When you meet someone with the same name as you!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/natnat301
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.

"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Now days, people don't use the name Lance very often

In medieval times, people were named Lance a lot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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There is a guy named Meet in my team.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4beyt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, "That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you.

You have died of dissin' Terry.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Sand is a combination of the words sea and land, as it is where they meet. You could say it is their ship name.

Courtesy of my friend who took more than the average amount of antidepressants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Llamaz
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2018
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You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say β€œTerry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin’ Terry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sincons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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Everyone keeps talking about some dude named Les who is really sad and I’m hoping to meet him soon and cheer him up.

Then he will be.......Les Miserable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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I have two German friends named Wurst. They should never meet.

Unless worst comes to worst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neurotichipster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Two rivaling rappers, named Jim and Tom planned to meet up for a rap battle. Jim totally destroyed his rival.

Tom's fans didn't expect this kind of diss appointment.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Do you think board meetings are named after how everyone feels?

Better have a meeting to figure it out...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_pee_in_the_sink
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Aquarium humor needed

I work at an Aquarium. Our sister site is a Zoo, and when we have quarterly meetings for all staff members, they call the meeting State of the Zoonion.

I am really trying to come up with a comparable name for our Aquarium all-staff meeting that features some good Aquarium/fish humor. Help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokyburgundy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Baby gender reveal at my family reunion

My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people.

One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally.

Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, β€œDo you have a name for the baby yet?”

My brother replies, β€œYeah. Liana Noelle.”

Everyone starts to β€œOoohhh” and β€œAhhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is.

Then after a moment I shout, β€œHow the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”


Edit (10/22/2014): Probably won't be seen or noticed by anyone, but my baby niece was just born today! She's on the opposite side of the country, but I can't wait to meet her!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ted_E_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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Abbott and Costello meet Microsoft Windows

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who’s on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Lou Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: No, the name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: Your computer?

Lou Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: What about Windows?

Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Lou Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.

Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family.

The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal.

At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, β€œif you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hanasmf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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Honey Story

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishamaphone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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Request! Help me come up with cheesy pun using words "quetzal" or "monkey"?

I am making cheesy valentine-like cards for my fellow Adventure Monkeys--a name that was dubbed to the group I did humanitarian aid work with in Guatemala. For our last meeting tomorrow, I want to bring cheesy valentine-like cards, but I'm having trouble coming up with a silly pun. I'd like to use the words Quetzal (national bird of Guatemala) or Monkey (for our group) if possible.

Any ideas? I need your brilliant pun minds!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliegatorrr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
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Dad joke my dad used to tell me... old joke

A Japanese auto company was looking for a name for their new company. Knowing the importance for the name they called the famous German marketing firm and flew him out for a meeting. At the end of the presentation the Japanese CEO asked if he had any questions. The German: How quickly do you need the new name Japanese CEO: 48 hours German: Dat-Soon!

Ba da ba

Yes it was a groaner

Edit: formatting fell through

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash662244
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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Joke chain...

So I had a great chain of old jokes today in my morning meeting.

I started with "I bought a violin from a one armed seller yesterday. He said he played it by ear".

As the meeting progressed, I realized I could chain additional jokes together. 10 minutes later I followed up with it, "That one armed violin seller... he has a sister named Katrina. She's missing a leg so she likes to call herself I-Lean". The room laughed and there were many people who said "that's kinda wrong".

Then I followed up with, "Well she's not as bad off as her dad. The dad's missing two legs. When he goes in the swimming pool, they call him Bob."

And then I finished with, "But he still likes to water ski. When he does, they call him Skip".

It's funny because it all chains together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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[Long] The king and queen of Fruitlandia had a son named Melon.

One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe. She was very sweet to him. They fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant. You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli. The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again.

However, the young lovers were determined to see each other. Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other. This went on for many years.

Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli. He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR. However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe! He made Melon swear a Royal Oathβ€”an unbreakable promiseβ€”to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that.

That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened. She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused.

β€œI love you, but I swore a Royal Oath. I’m sorry, dear, but I Cantaloupe.”

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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The first time they ever met, my dad blindsided my mom with this prophetic alphabet dad joke.

So my dad's name is Jay and my mom's name is Kay. The first time they were introduced, it was obvious their names were destined for dad joke immortality:

Mom's friend: Jay, this is my friend Kay! I thought you two should meet!

Mom: Hi.

Dad: Ya know, if we get married and have kids... we could name them Ellie, Emmie, and Opie. We could eat alphabet cereal for breakfast and alphabet soup for dinner! :) ;)

Mom: ..... uh..

30 years later and they did get married, and did get their "Emmie"! (my sister's name is Emily)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egdirdle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
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Sesame Street Bus

A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of his riders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are named Patty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on. At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Cheese got on, took off his shoes, and picked at his bunions.

When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new that day. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Cheese picks his bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmeanmustid
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2017
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Dadjoked my roommate

Roommate: "She waited for me for 2 years, but then we broke up. Now she's married to a guy named Craig."

Me: "Did they meet on Craigslist?"

Groans and laughter ensued. If people laughed maybe it wasn't quite daddy enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericbm2
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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Dadjoke from memory

Allow me to regale you with a couple tales illustrating my late dad's sense of humor. Last names faked because I'm not that stupid.

.

(1). At a routine PTA meeting about me in my Georgia school, everyone found themselves packed into a hot and stuffy room waiting for the boredom to end. Shoulder to shoulder fun, can you picture it?

My dad lets one rip. It's loud, smelly, and echoes. The room falls silent as the fart invites itself unfavorably to the nostrils of those in attendance.

He turns to my mom and with his best shocked face says, "... Patty!"

I like to think he slept on the couch that night.

.

(2). During my old man's wait for us to arrive at the new home he had bought, he had to deal with ongoing construction and roughed it at a hotel for a few nights. He was a retired Master Chief Machinist's Mate, so cramped quarters reminded him of the sub's nuclear engine room. No biggie.

An interview comes up for a civilian nuclear power plant nearby, and before you know it my dad's sitting before these stuffy, serious, wrinkly old board members and managers, having his (mostly military) resume picked through.

"Well Mister Smith, we're impressed. Twenty two years is no small amount of time to dedicate to the service. But do you feel you're qualified to operate and audit a civilian fission power plant?"

My dad thinks on it for a second.

"Well no, sir, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

He got the job immediately.

(For those needing the reference)

.

Thanks for caring to read. I miss him a lot and this subreddit always reminds me of his sense of dry, quick humor. Take care!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Morvick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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Dad joked at business meeting

I was at a meeting full of people who had never met before. We were doing the basic introductions and I heard one guy introduce himself as Noah. The conversation went as follows:

"Hi my name's Noah."
"Noah, well that'll be easy to remember!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Sure, now every time I see you I will No-ah you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lowfr3q
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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Double dad joked at orientation

So I was at orientation for my new job yesterday. There's 2 people there from the company, and 4 of us new people.

After the orientation is done...

Guy next to me: (silences phone because it's ringing) Sorry... my dad's calling me.

Guy from company: What's he calling you? Mine normally calls me my name.

Guy next to me: That's weird! I thought your name was Mike! Nice to meet you, my name!

Both of them both start to crack. I nearly snort what's left of my kit kat up my nose because I started laughing and the other 3 people there are shaking their heads slowly at us.

Side note: both of them are dads and in their 30's. I'm 21, and not a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quixotic_Ryan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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Long con to a classic dadjoke on my kindergartener

This morning, my 5 year old (Definitely not really named H) and I were discussing the hardships of having to attend (all-day) kindergarten nearly every day (on his third day). So, we applied some estimates and came up with the following:

Me: "So, there are about 200 days you go to school this year. And, since you're in kindergarten, you have at least 13 years of school. So you have about 2600 days of school left. At least."

H: "...Okay..."

Me: "But, do you have to do a week of school today? Or just one day?"

H: "Just one."

Me: "Right. And you can handle one day. You've already done that twice, and you liked them both."

H: "Yeah."

Me: "So, you can handle this, right? Just one day at a time."

H: "Yeah, I can do that."

Me: "So, do you want to hear a dumb joke?"

H: "Sure."

Me: "How do you eat an elephant?"

H: "What?! I dunno."

Me: "One bite at a time."

[H groans, flops down on the bed, and starts maybe-playfully kicking at me]

Me: "Hey, I told you it was a dumb joke."

H: "But I didn't think it would be that dumb."

Me: "You should know by now that if I say it's dumb, it's really dumb. Now, get dressed and I'll meet you downstairs."

[H invokes his future-teenager self and groans me out of the room]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2015
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Doctor Who Dad Joke [50th anniversary spoiler]

Doctor: You've got a name?

Girl: Yes

Doctor: Good, I've always wanted to meet someone called "Yes"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdventurePee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2013
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My Dad's go-to story joke

So my dad pretty much lays this one on every friend of mine he ever meets.

There once was this man named Benny, who had the strongest desire to live forever. The devil knew these desires, and arose out of the dephts to make a deal with Benny.

The deal stated that, in exchange for Benny's soul, he would be gifted with immortality. The only condition was that Benny could not shave any part of his body, ever, or he would be instantly transformed into an urn.

Benny went on with his now unending life and found himself falling in love with a girl shortly after accepting this deal with the devil. The girl however. Would not love him back because of his ridiculously long hair covering his entire body. It was said that the hair from his knuckles would sweep the floor when he walked into the room, and he would constantly trip himself on his beard.

The girl eventually died and Benny fell into a deep depression. He decided it would be best to end his misery by going to a barbershop, and getting a shave. He sat in the barber's seat, and as soon as the blade reached his skin, he was transformed, and all that remained in the seat was a large, metal urn.

The moral of the story... A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRagingKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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What my dad does to people's names

Say your name is Michael Smith, and you are introduced to my dad. There are two possible outcomes.

  1. "You must be Mr. And Mrs. Smith's son
  2. Michael Keaton?

And he asks nearly everyone he meets and greets "explain the universe in three words and give five examples."

Dad : |

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πŸ‘€︎ u/farawaycircus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Whenever I said I was hungry

"Nice to meet you, Hungry. My name is Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blinkle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2013
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I have a friend named Axel...

...which means 'shoulder' in Swedish, but is also a common name here.

Every time my dad meets him he bursts out: "Hey Axel! Where's the rest of the arm?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cooffee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2014
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You are traveling along the Oregon Trail, and you meet a man named Terry. You say "Terry? That's a girls name!" In anger, Terry stabs you to death.

You have died of dissin' Terry.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eleventhearlofmar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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Oregon Trail

You’re walking along the Oregon Trail and you meet a guy named terry. You laugh at him as say Terry is a girls name. Terry shoots you. You’ve died of dissen terry.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StardustTurtle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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