True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.

The lady at the vet: β€œwhat’s his name?”

Me: β€œThe shelter told me his name is Toby”

Her: β€œWell, what does he think his name is?”

Me: β€œ........ Kunte Kinte”

She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Italy is a boring place to visit

All you can do is rome around

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Praisesamuel1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
When's the best time to visit the dentist?

When tooth dirty.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RumAndCoco
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the conductor visit Florida?

For Spring Training!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andytheg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What beach do zombies like to visit?

The Dead Sea!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oatli
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call second thoughts about plans to visit a Native American sanctuary?

A reservation reservation reservation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
When you visit Boston, what do the street magicians and fish wives have in common?

They will both insist that you β€œpick a cod”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brave_Samuel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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My Child's Paediatrician is usually a bit short tempered when we visit, but then again..

..She always had little patients.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...

Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Mrs Hamill was annoyed when her son and I paid her a surprise visit.

She was afraid I'd leave a Mark.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to visit my grandpa's final resting place and he left a message for me on his tombstone. I couldn't make out what it was.

It was a very cryptic message.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlovenianHusky
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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I just heard of an Alaskan who wants to visit Texas, but he’s afraid to...

...He suffers from claustrophobia

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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.

Finally he cut it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The family wanted to visit some caverns.

I didn’t want to go, but eventually I caved.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Wanna know why the government doesn't bring in tourist visits yet

Because it's tou-rist-ky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzriIzmi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best time to visit a watchmaker?

Four a'clock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jurboa
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My Mexican Uncle Rito came to visit recently and said its freezing here.

I guess you can call him Burrrrr-rito

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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My friend convinced me to visit Karl Marx’s grave.

Turns out it’s just a communist plot.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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After hearing about my history major, my dad said, β€œYou should go visit Italy in late August.”

..Then you can witness The Fall of Rome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.

Sadly, there was no plaque on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to visit my friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I found was in the C section.

I had to climb out of the sunroof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother, who’s a cowboy, always sits on the stove when he visits us.

He says that it makes him feel more at home... on the range.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked an Alien why they never visits us.

''bad reviews, only one star''they said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlankenSonja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..

..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I just went to go visit my late grandmother buried in the cemetery, but when I went there I found her dancing!

It was quite the Plot Twist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickycthatsme
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Pandas are very violent creatures when they're brought in for visits

Everyone knows a panda eats shoots and leaves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife can't function unless she visits the chiropractor...

I'm afraid she is addicted to crack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FluffyBearHugs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A constipated man goes to visit his doctor.

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"



I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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Anyone out there any preference for their favorite island to visit..?

.. I've none atoll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

It's too high a price 'toupee.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MediocrePay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Do I need to visit 12 bars?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I tripped over a box of Kleenex when coming home, needing an ER visit!

Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
While driving down in a part of town we don't usually visit, my 12yo son noticed and mentioned a barber shop named Roman Palace.

I told him they only do Caesar cuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mwdavisii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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My wife and I put money aside just for chiropractic visits.

We created our own joint account.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavideoandPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
After the borders reopen I am going to visit Greenwich, England!!!

There is a lot that I want to accomplish in The Mean Time!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Of course, you can't visit it just now.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the paladin have to visit the tire shop after killing an innocent bystander?

Because he was out of alignment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to reschedule a work meeting today to bring my son to the orthodontist. My coworker said she was thinking the same thing because she has to visit the dentist.

I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Promiscuous_D8a
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Jesus was an automobile enthusiast and had a car he really loved. Everytime Jesus went to visit his parents, he would return with his car sporting a new colour

His father was a Carpainter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AccidentalPundit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Dora and Diego visit the North West in winter

Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:

"Wiper no Wiping!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eldukae
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the place people want to visit the most?

The graveyard people are just dying to go there

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyotoKyoto2525
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Odysseus visit the marijuana dispensary?

He was sailing for Indica

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor Visit

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."

The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been to visit my grandmother's grave three times this week and each time someone has mysteriously covered it in gravy granules.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife Sierra I was Ghana visit West Africa

She said she’d Benin that part of the world before and she did not want Togo again. I was persistent about going so I left Sierra Alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inceptionisim
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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