Post Malone has canceled his tour.

Does this now make him Postpone Malone?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConsumerOfAllToes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
While taking a tour of a college campus, the tour guide mentioned that the school was surrounded by three different cemeteries.

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lind-zayy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
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I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.

My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
I had to cancel a boat tour of a Norway cliff-wall sea inlet.

I couldn't afjord it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23
🚨︎ report
Post Malone just suspended his tour

Guess that makes him postponed Malone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mmoraxx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...

Tour guide said β€œHello, my name is Eileen.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MobileBrowns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
The bands Kansas and Toto should tour together

It’s gonna be the β€œwhirlwind tour”

I’ll see myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBungles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I hear the Knack is getting back together for a tour of the US!

Can't wait to hear My Corona played again!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
I recently did a tour of South Korea that included every city except the capital.

While I enjoyed it, I felt the trip had no Seoul.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TD_KingJason
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
My son got me while playing Mario Kart Tour....

I've been doing horrible in the current tour so I told him:

"I'm going to lose a few tiers after this tour"

Son - "You don't have to cry about it"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
I took a tour of a jigsaw making factory.

The entire process was quite puzzling.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
I was on a tour of the mint, and at first, I was very confused.

But as the guide explained, it started making cents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliedcola
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
I was kicked out of the Police HQ tour when I asked to buy some merchandise

I just wanted some swat stickers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ferny77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Ghost tour
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ericopolis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about Elton John’s new comedy tour?

It’s a little bit funny...

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kelvintlmactae
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?

-Because they have so many legs!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LewisSpaceBun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The tour guide says...

...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.

Me: That's a Segway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dlveazie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
College Tour Dad Joke

Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.

A mom asked β€œIs this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”

Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying β€œNah, the door’s not that heavy”

Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report
College tour....

It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.

We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.

We get to the chapel and Gerald asks β€œyeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?”

And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: β€œThe tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stopwatch9120
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Rock Star Adam Ant might go on tour again but he ran into a few snags...

He remains adamant though.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a guided tour of some cliffs today

the persons name was richard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/endangeredpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I took a tour of a mental institution the other day

It was insane

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdawgUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Making a list of places I want to see during my tour of Bohemia and Moravia

It's my Czech-list

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harrytheb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
What did Vanilla Ice eat during his asian tour?

Rice, rice, baby

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeeneyTodd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend went with a tour group to the capital of South Korea and got lost amongst the crowd...

It took a little Seoul searching, but he eventually found his way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Donald and Melania Trump Invite Hillary and Bill Clinton to a tour of their redecorated white house.

Donald wants to show off how he changed everything since Bill was president. he shows them all the golden oval office and wants to show Hillary his new situation room and leads her out leaving Bill and Melania alone. After a few minutes Donald and Hillary return to find Bill and Melania having sex on his desk. Hillary shouts "Bill how could you!?" Bill turns and says "Let's be honest this isn't the first time that you caught me having sex in the oval office. At least this time it's with the first lady."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unthgod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The tour group visiting the capital of Italy did not have a specific agenda...

So the could roam Rome!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I went for a tour of a mine the other day

I was in complete ore the whole time

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: Truck hauling pigment collides with tour bus on bridge and both fall into river

Thankfully no lives lost, but everyone dyed

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What would you call a self-driving semi aquatic vehicle used for African Safari tours?

Hippopautonomous

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gordoncrisp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I signed up to take a tour of all the shopping centers in my area, but it was really disappointing

Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Police have busted the PGA tour golf club syndicate...

They have recovered a set of stolen golf clubs and arrested one man. But they are still looking for the driver.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Should I take the damm tour or not?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acadiel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I went to tour a haunted bathroom the other day...

In the toilet, floating just above the water, was a ghostly poop. I was so terrified, I shrieked a long sustained note until, finally, the feces disappeared.

Luckily I was able to remember that you can kill boo turds with one's tone.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Everyone is the horseback tour group was an experienced equestrian and was saddled and ready to go.

The tour would start "ride" on time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Took a tour of the Federal Reserve the other day.

The tour guid told an offensive joke about pesos, so I started to leave. He said "stop that was not what I mint"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Visiting Amsterdam is like watching the Tour de France.

A lot of people on bikes and drugs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I did a sugar plantation tour in Jamaica...

... the guide showed us all around the plantation and gave us the history of caster, granulated, confectioners, and pearl sugar. I asked the guide β€œhow much brown sugar do you make?”. He replied β€œno we have nunna dem here sir”

β€œWhy not? Are they harder to find?”

β€œYes. Demerara”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feedmesteak
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
🚨︎ report
You can tell if a band has real soul if, when they go on tour, you can tell the difference between the real band playing and a computer recording

it's called the Touring Test

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theshoe92
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Pun contest. Name our bands next "tour". Get it printed on shirts. Win imaginary gold.

Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...

If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dharmon555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
If Incubus decides that on their next tour they only want to travel by land, they should call their vehicle The Incu Bus
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bindibus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2015
🚨︎ report
I applied for a job as a Shakespeare tour guide

But never made it past the Onbarding process.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrRubber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
🚨︎ report
For work I give tours of local national parks. After taking a holiday, going back to work was...

a walk in the park.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I dad joked my tour guide today

She was showing me around a class and the different stuff that they do. A table she was showing me had a light in it and helps line stuff up

Her: "This is what we call a light table."

Me: "It looks pretty heavy to me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetsNotPlay
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
🚨︎ report
While she was taking me on a tour of the embassies in Washington D.C...

Her: This one's the Japanese embassy, this one's the Belgian embassy, this one's the Finnish embassy...

Me: The Finnish embassy? Where's the start embassy?

Her: .......

Me: :D

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abraxan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
🚨︎ report
My tour guide just did this dadjoke

So we were in glenwood springs and went into the caves. It seemed like a really normal tour and just as we're about to exit, the guide tells us to put our ears on the wall of the cave. We all did assuming it was some cool feature of the cave. The guide asks us what we think we're listening to. Some reply water and others reply erosion. The guide tells us we're wrong and all we're doing is listening to hard rock.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sohamtamhane
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2015
🚨︎ report
My coworker brought in his dad in to tour the new office.

"Hi, I'm Stan, and this is Triple Stan."

My coworker's name is Tristan.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcySlurpee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2016
🚨︎ report
PGA Tour: Baddeley's (almost) Ace on a par 4 imgur.com/RjGgEsT
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TylerFortierPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Where do museum tour guides go after they're dead?

The Curatorium

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Went on a boat tour today

I was asked how my 4th of July weekend was. I responded, "It was great! How aboat yours?"

All I got was an awkward laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smugglers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
🚨︎ report
A class of students is taking a tour of a cheese factory. The tour guide is showing the kids where the cheese is made, when suddenly a worker operating a forklift loses control and the vehicle goes hurtling towards the visitors. The worker screams:

"Get out of the whey!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lyonhart31
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Before our tour of the sugar factory, my uncle warned us that it will smell of rodent bums

Because of all the mole asses.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jasoSwan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad always said if he ever started a band he'd name in "Turd" and tour exclusively with Korn
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/relaxTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2015
🚨︎ report
In Salem, MA doing a Witch Tour and Dad pulls this one...

Guide: I love questions, so at any point on the tour feel free to ask!

Me: Witches are part of the Wicca religion, correct? (Having little knowledge of it)

Dad: Don't ask the guide, look it up on....wiccapedia. Get it?

Tour guide laughs and I facepalm.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my college tour group.

Last Saturday, I took a tour of a small private college with my mom and a friend who is considering going there. At one point in the tour, the tour guide begins to discuss her humanities classes that she took. One of them in particular was a class on Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy, and she then began to mention her favorite part of the class was studying Inferno.

I then responded with, "Gee, I bet that was a hell of a class."

Groans and laughter then proceeded to consume the tour group, and the tour guide herself began to giggle.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EPIDIDYMIS_HUMMUS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Taking a Tram Tour at the San Diego Zoo Safari Park while a Gran'dad

While taking the Tram Tour around the Africa enclosure at the Safari Park we passed a group of Wildebeest.

I turned to my wife and said "I don't remember this group of Wildebeest, they must be Gnu."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreddieFreelance
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2013
🚨︎ report
Last night I went to, Alton Brown's Edible Inevitable tour. Alton Brown is a dad so I guess this counts.

Alton was working with his prop Bessy the cow when he pulled a stool out from it.

Alto says "Do you know why this stool is so small?" No one answers. He said "because it's a sample."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlyingMjunkY
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joking the tour guide

After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."

Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudebro0
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2014
🚨︎ report
overhead from a campus tour guide

"Sorry to get cheesy on you guys, but we are in Wisconsin" I groaned as I walked by.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/presentEgo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked while getting a tour of a glass factory

So i know the joke is old, but the application was classic...

I was with my dad buying some glass cutting supplies and the guy in the store was really dry and seemed to take his job pretty seriously. We wrapped up our purchase and the shop worker asked if we wanted a quick tour of the production facility. We said 'yes' and walked into the back. Shop worker guy showed us some bullet proof glass, and a new self obscuring glass... then he mentions that most of what they do is provide mirrors for elevators and he turns to walk us over to the last section of the facility where they do wood grain backed mirrors. My dad stops walking and says "elevators hey"? The shop worker turns and looks at him... "I hear that industry has it's ups and downs"... Shop worker guy makes eye contact with me and turns and continues his tour. While no noise escaped his lips i could feel an internal groan that shook the walls.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbyflorentine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
🚨︎ report

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