Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?
Me: What?? Why not?
Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
I couldn't afjord it.
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
It’s gonna be the “whirlwind tour”
I’ll see myself out.
Can't wait to hear My Corona played again!
While I enjoyed it, I felt the trip had no Seoul.
I've been doing horrible in the current tour so I told him:
"I'm going to lose a few tiers after this tour"
Son - "You don't have to cry about it"
The entire process was quite puzzling.
But as the guide explained, it started making cents.
I just wanted some swat stickers
It’s a little bit funny...
-Because they have so many legs!
...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.
Me: That's a Segway
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.
A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”
Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy”
Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.
We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.
We get to the chapel and Gerald asks “yeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?”
And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: “The tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?”
He remains adamant though.
the persons name was richard
It was insane
It's my Czech-list
Rice, rice, baby
It took a little Seoul searching, but he eventually found his way.
Donald wants to show off how he changed everything since Bill was president. he shows them all the golden oval office and wants to show Hillary his new situation room and leads her out leaving Bill and Melania alone. After a few minutes Donald and Hillary return to find Bill and Melania having sex on his desk. Hillary shouts "Bill how could you!?" Bill turns and says "Let's be honest this isn't the first time that you caught me having sex in the oval office. At least this time it's with the first lady."
So the could roam Rome!
I was in complete ore the whole time
Thankfully no lives lost, but everyone dyed
Once you've seen one, you've seen the mall.
They have recovered a set of stolen golf clubs and arrested one man. But they are still looking for the driver.
In the toilet, floating just above the water, was a ghostly poop. I was so terrified, I shrieked a long sustained note until, finally, the feces disappeared.
Luckily I was able to remember that you can kill boo turds with one's tone.
The tour would start "ride" on time
The tour guid told an offensive joke about pesos, so I started to leave. He said "stop that was not what I mint"
A lot of people on bikes and drugs.
... the guide showed us all around the plantation and gave us the history of caster, granulated, confectioners, and pearl sugar. I asked the guide “how much brown sugar do you make?”. He replied “no we have nunna dem here sir”
“Why not? Are they harder to find?”
it's called the Touring Test
Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...
If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!
But never made it past the Onbarding process.
a walk in the park.
She was showing me around a class and the different stuff that they do. A table she was showing me had a light in it and helps line stuff up
Her: "This is what we call a light table."
Me: "It looks pretty heavy to me."
Her: This one's the Japanese embassy, this one's the Belgian embassy, this one's the Finnish embassy...
Me: The Finnish embassy? Where's the start embassy?
So we were in glenwood springs and went into the caves. It seemed like a really normal tour and just as we're about to exit, the guide tells us to put our ears on the wall of the cave. We all did assuming it was some cool feature of the cave. The guide asks us what we think we're listening to. Some reply water and others reply erosion. The guide tells us we're wrong and all we're doing is listening to hard rock.
"Hi, I'm Stan, and this is Triple Stan."
My coworker's name is Tristan.
I was asked how my 4th of July weekend was. I responded, "It was great! How aboat yours?"
All I got was an awkward laugh.
"Get out of the whey!!!"
Because of all the mole asses.
Guide: I love questions, so at any point on the tour feel free to ask!
Me: Witches are part of the Wicca religion, correct? (Having little knowledge of it)
Dad: Don't ask the guide, look it up on....wiccapedia. Get it?
Tour guide laughs and I facepalm.
Last Saturday, I took a tour of a small private college with my mom and a friend who is considering going there. At one point in the tour, the tour guide begins to discuss her humanities classes that she took. One of them in particular was a class on Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy, and she then began to mention her favorite part of the class was studying Inferno.
I then responded with, "Gee, I bet that was a hell of a class."
Groans and laughter then proceeded to consume the tour group, and the tour guide herself began to giggle.
While taking the Tram Tour around the Africa enclosure at the Safari Park we passed a group of Wildebeest.
I turned to my wife and said "I don't remember this group of Wildebeest, they must be Gnu."
Alton was working with his prop Bessy the cow when he pulled a stool out from it.
Alto says "Do you know why this stool is so small?" No one answers. He said "because it's a sample."
After finishing the tour of the majority of the Dallas Cowboys stadium, the guide told us to "feel free to roam around the field."
Me: "Are we allowed to Romo 'round the field?"
"Sorry to get cheesy on you guys, but we are in Wisconsin" I groaned as I walked by.
So i know the joke is old, but the application was classic...
I was with my dad buying some glass cutting supplies and the guy in the store was really dry and seemed to take his job pretty seriously. We wrapped up our purchase and the shop worker asked if we wanted a quick tour of the production facility. We said 'yes' and walked into the back. Shop worker guy showed us some bullet proof glass, and a new self obscuring glass... then he mentions that most of what they do is provide mirrors for elevators and he turns to walk us over to the last section of the facility where they do wood grain backed mirrors. My dad stops walking and says "elevators hey"? The shop worker turns and looks at him... "I hear that industry has it's ups and downs"... Shop worker guy makes eye contact with me and turns and continues his tour. While no noise escaped his lips i could feel an internal groan that shook the walls.