A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris.
After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.
"What year?" asked the waiter.
"Right now!"
the husband said
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︎ May 25 2021
What did the security officer at White House said to the tourist sitting on the president's chair?
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︎ May 14 2021
What did the river-tourist call his mom to say while he was in Africa?
"mom, I can't believe it; I'm in de-nile!"
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︎ May 12 2021
A bus carrying tourists headed to see Elvis Presleyβs Graceland has over turned. No one was injured
But they were all shook up.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
What causes all the super-yachts to squeeze together in the same tourist spots?
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︎ Feb 17 2021
What do bears in Turkey say when they see tourists in sleeping bags?
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︎ Feb 20 2021
A German tourist jumped off to the freezing water to save my precious dog who was drowning.
After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine."
I said, "Are you a vet?"
To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."
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︎ Nov 14 2020
I thought Hawaii was a tourist destination...
But all the license plates there were from in state.
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︎ Nov 03 2020
What do Alaskan tourists say when they build an Igloo?
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Hear the joke about a bunch of fat tourists standing in a queue?
It's got a terrible paunch line.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
A tourist at The seaside came to me and asked where he could find whales.
I told him that it's located a bit West from England.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
What do a cab driver in Boston and a tourist in the capital of Bangladesh have in common?
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︎ Jul 11 2020
Did you hear about the Lego piece that was 323 feet to a side? It was a huge tourist draw...
People were lined up around the block.
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︎ Jun 03 2020
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
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︎ Jan 28 2020
What did the mandolorian say to assure the tourist he wasn't lost?
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︎ Nov 29 2019
I was on a safari in Africa when one of the tourists asked our guide, βIs it difficult to spot cheetahs?β
He said, βNo, they usually come that way.β
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︎ May 09 2019
Did you hear about the two owls stealing from tourists on Machu Picchu?
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︎ Apr 12 2019
A tourist who visited France died a gruesome death
He really shouldnβt have gone to the I-Fell Tower
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︎ Apr 22 2019
A german tourist jumped into a freezing lake to save someoneβs dog...
He told the owner βkeep him warm and he vill be fineβ the owner asked βare you a vet?β The German replied βvet? Iβm soaking!β
EDIT: Some people feel like I need to make it clear this is not my joke so... itβs not my joke.
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︎ Jul 13 2018
Cemeteries are one of the most popular tourist attractions
People are dying to get into them!
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︎ May 15 2019
The Tourist when to Cambodia and saw a person saying something.
He said "Khmer tourist, I got things for you to buy.
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︎ May 21 2019
One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blΓ€nket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
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︎ Mar 25 2019
Did I ever tell you about the time I put a busload of tourists from Prague on a trampoline?
I bounced a lot of Czechs.
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︎ Jan 28 2019
I guy was ranting in a bar about tourists
Guy 1: I don't like tourists. You never know what they're up to.
Guy 2: I'm a tourist and do you know what I'm up to? To kill you for what you said!
Guy 1: To what?!?!?
Guy 2: Tourist.
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︎ Feb 22 2019
The tourists visited sites on both the Mediterranean and Baltic...
They went from "see" to "see"
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︎ Feb 28 2019
Tourist goes to London and gets lost
Goes up to a Londoner to ask for directions.
Tourist: Excuse me, do you know Bishops Walk?
Londoner: Why yes, it is good for them.
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︎ Oct 27 2018
What's the state that likes to greet Japanese tourists?
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︎ Oct 02 2018
Did you hear about the ravenous shrubs that attacked a group of tourists?
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︎ Mar 13 2018
It costs around $7 to cross the Golden Gate Bridge, regardless of whether you're a commuter or a tourist.
It takes a toll on everybody.
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︎ Dec 31 2016
I've been cutting lumber for a tourist viewpoint over the bays in Norway
One could say I've been pining for the fjords
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︎ Apr 05 2018
Dadjoked by a tourist in the hotel.
Go to check out of my hotel this morning. I get in the elevator and there's a group of raucous old men telling jokes and laughing. They were going down so they invited me in to the elevator even thought I was planning on catching the next one.
Anywho, as we're going down, the elderly gentleman I'm standing next to turns to me, and says
"Do you know the elevator dance?"
me: "No, what's that?"
him: "There are no steps!"
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︎ Nov 11 2014
Japanese Tourist
My parents went to Spain, they met a Japanese tourist while on an excursion.
Japanese tourist greets my parents: "ohayΕ" (pronounced Ohio)
Dad says: "California"
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︎ Jun 20 2014
My dad told this one to a bunch of tourists:
So for some background, my dad's a tour guide in the UK and he was showing a group round Hampton Court Palace and in the gardens there's this maze. This is the text he just sent me:
>Dad joke at Hampton Court Maze - I have fine memories of Hampton Court Maze. I used to bring my children here...... If you see them could you send them home!
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︎ Apr 05 2014
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, βhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, βare you a vet?β
He said, βvet? Iβm fucking soakingβ
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︎ Jan 07 2020
My dog jumped into some freezing water. A random German tourist jumped in to save him. He told me "Here is ze dog. keep him varm and he vill be just fine". I asked if he was a vet.
"Vet? I'm fucking soaked!"
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︎ Nov 10 2018
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