Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?

Momorial Day

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
Holiday and end of last year pun, recycled
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/perkypaul
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
Why do pirates go on holiday?

To get some arrrrrrgh and arrrrrrgh.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
You want to know how to make this Easter holiday easier?

Replace the T with an I

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nijewkin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new holiday for laxatives?

I don’t know when it is but when it happens it’s gonna be a shitty day.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joseph3504
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
Went on holiday this summer, met this sick Peruvian geezer. v.redd.it/3hg4dv2prj841
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MarwhimSkell
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
I like to spend holidays in the kitchen

It is my sinktuary

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeicam_the_pirate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My company is giving yo-yos as our gift this holidays and we are trying to think of a pun to include in our greeting cards. Any ideas?
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/birdlawyer213
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to Dublin on holiday and discovered it's the biggest city in the WORLD.

It just keeps Dublin and Dublin

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sergioarmagh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
Me: What should we do about the sleeping arrangements during our holiday? Her: I was thinking of...
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
Did you know December 23 is a holiday too?

Its Christmas Adam. Because Adam came before Eve

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnitaRide
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!

They’re so shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/b0wser_304
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve put on 40 pounds over the holidays

For the first time in my life I’m not skinny. For those of you who have held out this long for a fat joke, the weight is finally over.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wanderingcloud35
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I imagine pteranodons enjoyed getting stuffed on holidays too ;)
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeicam_the_pirate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
US election season meats the holiday season
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wargamer620
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I spent $9.95 on a tin of holiday nuts. My wife thought that was too expensive.

I said, "$9.95? That's nut tin, honey."

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stooftheoof
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edderiofer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
This Holiday season it seems like everyone is spending a lot of money and buying cars.

I keep hearing everyone say they are buying their kids a toy yoda.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffspeed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the the Dragonborn do on a snowy holiday?

Dovah-skiin'

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctic_Womble
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does santa stay during a holiday?

In a ho ho hotel

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g0lden3agle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Which holiday character can do the most crunches?

The abdominal snowman!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Santa have much of a religious opinion during the holidays?

Due to his diet, he tends to be eggnog-stic

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pricklydoughball
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What is Flava Flav’s favorite holiday side dish?

YAMS, BOYEEEEEEE!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/velorouge75
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was thinking about going on holiday to Thailand

But Phuket, it's too expensive.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lemonsarethekey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
This man goes on holiday for a week and leaves his brother to look after his cat.

He rings him on the 2nd day to ask him how the cat is and is told it's dead. The man tells his brother, "You should've done it in stages. I'm not back for a week, you could've said the cat was on the roof and won't come down. Then maybe it's went up a tree right up to the top. Then the next day that it looks ill or something..... Eventually you could tell me when I'm back. Anyway, how's our mother doing?"

His brother says:

"She's on the roof, bro"

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RossTheNinja
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the rapper forget when going on holiday?

2pac

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Found this on a holiday in Norway
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gortagon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.

We’ll call it β€œLent”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently came home from holiday, and my friend asks me: "So, was it warm in Peru?"

I said: "It was actually Chile."

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joups
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Came back from a holiday in Germany, and customs confiscated my luggage full of spiced fruit and nut loaves.

Apparently it was all Stollen

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
It's that time of year that my wife's family divides up holiday hosting duties.

Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.

Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."

Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfofurn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
For the holidays
πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleepingtuba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do sharks go on holiday?

Finland!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hz1234
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me sex is good on holidays.

Now this isn't a nice postcard to receive.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HungryPizzax
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
(Scottish Joke) Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf.

πŸ‘︎ 911
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSupremeClaw
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
When seeing Wales for the first time, how should you plan your holiday?

Caerphilly.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve always been embarrassed of my dad around the holidays.

Like, last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, β€œAre you going to put it up yourself?” My dad replied, β€œDon’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeoulgiKorea
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting into the holiday spirit with this Missile Toe I 3D Printed
πŸ‘︎ 639
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HumbertoL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
What is a cinnamon roll’s favorite holiday?

YEASTer

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie...

...for Ash Wednesday.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/politterateur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a pregnant person’s favorite holiday?

Labor Day.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustCheezits
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Holidays to Croatia can put a serious strain on your relationship...

...nearly all the couples I met there said they were going to Split!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarpetChin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does a German cat go on holiday when he wants to be alone?

Catalonia

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Effles_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The one true holiday
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kevonicus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a nocturnal bird's favorite holiday?

Owloween

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coolrulez555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
🚨︎ report
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed β€˜Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beergelden
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife went on holiday to the Caribbean

Jamaica? No she went of her own accord

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakeseARG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Happy holidays! v.redd.it/g4ry4icdm2421
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mattoconnor69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What would a Muslim pirate say when he finishes an alcoholic drink after an Islam holiday?

Yarrr my rum-a-done!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KMDK2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you guys like my holiday table center-peace?
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/piscimancy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you know which cow is on it's holidays?

It's the one with the wee calf.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BaldrickD2M
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s Kanye West’s Favorite Holiday?

Yee-ster

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SolaceAnimosity
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Tell you what - never again!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Today's a holiday in Mexico (OCBQPNU*)

Today, Mexicans celebrate the torpedoing of the U.S.S. Hellmans in the Mexico City harbor.

*Original Content But Quite Possibly Not Unique

P.S. Yes, I know where Mexico City is.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zEdgarHoover
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did the horses go on holiday?

Gallopagos Islands.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever we go on holiday, I never bring my plastic bag.

I always forget to packet.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditingDino
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Home for the holidays and playing Monopoly with dad...checks for counterfeits.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Where do killer whales go on holiday?

Majorca

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/totallynotroyalty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A dad during the holidays. imgur.com/vswOt
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/centerde
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
🚨︎ report
I'm dreading the upcoming holidays because I know dad's gonna tell us all about the bear and the rabbit who were taking a poop in the woods...

The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
🚨︎ report
People with birthdays falling on Christmas shouldn't mind that gifts are combined for the holiday...

Jesus sure didn't

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
My child today was filling out holiday cards for their teachers. They wrote the wrong letter and said to me...

"I messed the 'f' up"

I looked at them and struggled to not laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/197708156EQUJ5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of holiday cookie is Thanos' favorite?

a ginger snap

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoistDinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Going on holiday? Llama help you pack your bags ;)
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymousse228
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I got a new job in the airport checking what people are bringing into the country from their holidays...

I'm slowly getting accustoms to it

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzyTheLemon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.

Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.

What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.

πŸ‘︎ 221
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taylordprints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Christmas holidays

Christmas holidays are full of netflix and sleep until you realize that you have a ton of homework due next year

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paulabode
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A co-worker went on a tropical holiday recently

'Jamaica?' I replied. No she went on her own free choice.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasM__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I love unique holiday breads.

Unfortunately this year, all of mine were stollen.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scottdsanders
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I think this fairy is on its holiday schedule too
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BobbysueWho
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
There’s no place like home for the holidays.
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thinksecretly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

Never again.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
If someone made a holiday for footwear...

I’d be socked!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_solidwarp_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
I got cloth napkins for the holidays. They’re a pun goldmine.
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aerlenbach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report
On a family holiday to Bruges, we decided to walk to the nearby town of Damme. En route, my Dad said to my sister "your hair looks sort of OK today"

He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VWXYNot42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife says that sex is always better on holiday

It was rude of her to tell me this in a postcard

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rookiemlg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I was on holiday in a picturesque rural lake area, got stressed at the lack of 4G and 3G signal though.

I was on EDGE there.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YorkshireRiffer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
What’s a pirates favorite holiday?

Arbor Day

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Wanted to make an extra cheesy Valentine for my SO who hates commercial holidays but loves puns.

"I camembert if I’ve told you today, but just in queso I haven’t, you're looking sharp! I havarti accepted you stilton love β€œcheesy” holidays, but ricotta think things can only get feta with a little roman(ce)o. It colby just me, but I swiss you very much when we’re apart. It’s cheddar when we’re together because then I don’t feel provolone. I think we go gouda together, and I want to grow mold with you. Wheel you brie my valentine?"

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acertaingestault
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the Pope thinks about going on holiday?

Pontification.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MycoChemist
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the national holiday of the Republic of Turkey?

Thanksgiving

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagor-Hai
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the Caeser Salad chef forced to go on holidays?

Because he a croutons of leave.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheKaiminator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Christmas is the present holiday.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edderiofer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/edderiofer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.