"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it... keep reading on reddit ➡
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
I need to stop eating cold turkey
To get some arrrrrrgh and arrrrrrgh.
Replace the T with an I
I don’t know when it is but when it happens it’s gonna be a shitty day.
It is my sinktuary
It just keeps Dublin and Dublin
Its Christmas Adam. Because Adam came before Eve
They’re so shellfish.
For the first time in my life I’m not skinny. For those of you who have held out this long for a fat joke, the weight is finally over.
I said, "$9.95? That's nut tin, honey."
(Yes, that's a pun.)
I keep hearing everyone say they are buying their kids a toy yoda.
In a ho ho hotel
The abdominal snowman!
Due to his diet, he tends to be eggnog-stic
But Phuket, it's too expensive.
He rings him on the 2nd day to ask him how the cat is and is told it's dead. The man tells his brother, "You should've done it in stages. I'm not back for a week, you could've said the cat was on the roof and won't come down. Then maybe it's went up a tree right up to the top. Then the next day that it looks ill or something..... Eventually you could tell me when I'm back. Anyway, how's our mother doing?"
His brother says:
"She's on the roof, bro"
We’ll call it “Lent”
I said: "It was actually Chile."
Apparently it was all Stollen
Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.
Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."
Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"
Now this isn't a nice postcard to receive.
Because it had a wee calf.
Like, last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said, “Are you going to put it up yourself?” My dad replied, “Don’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”
...for Ash Wednesday.
...nearly all the couples I met there said they were going to Split!
Jamaica? No she went of her own accord
Yarrr my rum-a-done!
It's the one with the wee calf.
Tell you what - never again!
Today, Mexicans celebrate the torpedoing of the U.S.S. Hellmans in the Mexico City harbor.
*Original Content But Quite Possibly Not Unique
P.S. Yes, I know where Mexico City is.
I always forget to packet.
The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...
Jesus sure didn't
"I messed the 'f' up"
I looked at them and struggled to not laugh.
a ginger snap
I'm slowly getting accustoms to it
Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.
Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.
What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.
Christmas holidays are full of netflix and sleep until you realize that you have a ton of homework due next year
'Jamaica?' I replied. No she went on her own free choice.
Unfortunately this year, all of mine were stollen.
I’d be socked!
He then explained "to Damme with faint praise"
It was rude of her to tell me this in a postcard
I was on EDGE there.
"I camembert if I’ve told you today, but just in queso I haven’t, you're looking sharp! I havarti accepted you stilton love “cheesy” holidays, but ricotta think things can only get feta with a little roman(ce)o. It colby just me, but I swiss you very much when we’re apart. It’s cheddar when we’re together because then I don’t feel provolone. I think we go gouda together, and I want to grow mold with you. Wheel you brie my valentine?"
Because he a croutons of leave.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."