Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Have a happy Holiday Season y’all reddit.com/gallery/k22bhw
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Jazzman_8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?

"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coffa_cuppee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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What is corn’s favorite holiday?

New Ear's Day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red8user
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
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β€œChristopher Wreath” is back on my door and now the holidays can begin!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegeekofsteel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why is tinnitus a good guest for your holiday party?

It specializes in ringing in the new ear!

Shoutout to my coworker for coming up with half of this amazing joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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2020 Puns for this years Holiday cards

So I am trying to think of something to put on our family’s Christmas card. The only thing I can think of is β€œhindsight is 2020”.

I am however 100% sure you amazing people can come up with something much better for this dumpster fire of a year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shosh27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...

I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranMilne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.

I guess only small gatherings are allowed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy...

It's one part rum, three parts pum.

(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metermind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?

Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?

There was noel

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Happy Holidays!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickeyslim
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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What is a pirate’s favorite holiday decoration?

GARR-land

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrPewpew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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For some reason I always get sick during holidays.

I must have a weekend immune system...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAZUAG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What’s a dog’s favorite holiday?

Halloween, because they’re always doing tricks for treats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajicMan101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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Where do Bees stay when they go on holiday? 🐝

Air Bee n Bee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Paddy and his wife are on holiday in England visiting Historical Sites.

"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."

"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.

"1215," said the tour guide.

"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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My wife said that our relationship is like a holiday.

No, wait, that’s not it. She said it was her last resort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rugsby84
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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What is Hercules' favorite holiday?

Labor Day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ripster26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Holiday and end of last year pun, recycled
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perkypaul
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?

Momorial Day

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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You want to know how to make this Easter holiday easier?

Replace the T with an I

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nijewkin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Went on holiday this summer, met this sick Peruvian geezer. v.redd.it/3hg4dv2prj841
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarwhimSkell
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Why do pirates go on holiday?

To get some arrrrrrgh and arrrrrrgh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tungur_Knivur2020
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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Did you hear about the new holiday for laxatives?

I don’t know when it is but when it happens it’s gonna be a shitty day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joseph3504
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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I like to spend holidays in the kitchen

It is my sinktuary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeicam_the_pirate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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My company is giving yo-yos as our gift this holidays and we are trying to think of a pun to include in our greeting cards. Any ideas?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/birdlawyer213
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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Me: What should we do about the sleeping arrangements during our holiday? Her: I was thinking of...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnethacker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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Did you know December 23 is a holiday too?

Its Christmas Adam. Because Adam came before Eve

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnitaRide
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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I went to Dublin on holiday and discovered it's the biggest city in the WORLD.

It just keeps Dublin and Dublin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sergioarmagh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!

They’re so shellfish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0wser_304
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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