Are we really expected to work 24/7?
I'm now dealing with emotional baggage
Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?
Like a good friend, I only need your presents.
Tanksgiving
Credit: my 8 year old. I love her terrible jokes so much
It's a long term solution.
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
Christmas, of course. He loves a good wrap.
Sun-off-a-bach!
Easter and Valentine's Day are a couple other good cand-y-dates.
Yep, my belly dunlaps over my belt.
$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Moo Zealand.
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
So I am trying to think of something to put on our family’s Christmas card. The only thing I can think of is “hindsight is 2020”.
I am however 100% sure you amazing people can come up with something much better for this dumpster fire of a year.
I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.
It specializes in ringing in the new ear!
Shoutout to my coworker for coming up with half of this amazing joke
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
It's one part rum, three parts pum.
(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)
Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?
There was noel
I must have a weekend immune system...
GARR-land
Halloween, because they’re always doing tricks for treats.
Air Bee n Bee
No, wait, that’s not it. She said it was her last resort.
"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."
"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.
"1215," said the tour guide.
"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
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His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?
