Why isn't the 24th of July a holiday?

Are we really expected to work 24/7?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notakat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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Where does a cardiologist go on holiday?

vagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawsonator85
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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I told my suit cases just how There will be no holiday this year

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeytherealking
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....

Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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On big holidays, some people will demand the world of you.

Like a good friend, I only need your presents.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyWhatsItToYa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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What’s a pet fish’s favorite holiday?

Tanksgiving

Credit: my 8 year old. I love her terrible jokes so much

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beetlebath
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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Apparently, schools will now run from September right through till July with no holidays....

It's a long term solution.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What's Snoop Dogg's favorite holiday?

Christmas, of course. He loves a good wrap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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My holiday home neighbour planted a tall row of trees blocking my view.

Sun-off-a-bach!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOffbeatTurtle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Halloween is probably one of my more favorite holidays.

Easter and Valentine's Day are a couple other good cand-y-dates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Venomenace
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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I was diagnosed with Dunlaps Disease shortly after feasting my way through the holiday season...

Yep, my belly dunlaps over my belt.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Have a happy Holiday Season y’all reddit.com/gallery/k22bhw
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Jazzman_8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife

$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sattoth
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?

Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IranRPCV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What's a cows favourite destination for a holiday ?

Moo Zealand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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β€œChristopher Wreath” is back on my door and now the holidays can begin!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegeekofsteel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?

"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coffa_cuppee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?

It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bamugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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2020 Puns for this years Holiday cards

So I am trying to think of something to put on our family’s Christmas card. The only thing I can think of is β€œhindsight is 2020”.

I am however 100% sure you amazing people can come up with something much better for this dumpster fire of a year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shosh27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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My one friend told me that even though I decorate the church for the holidays...

I probably shouldn't go around calling myself a proud cross dresser.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranMilne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Why is tinnitus a good guest for your holiday party?

It specializes in ringing in the new ear!

Shoutout to my coworker for coming up with half of this amazing joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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What is corn’s favorite holiday?

New Ear's Day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/red8user
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Happy Holidays!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickeyslim
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.

I guess only small gatherings are allowed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy...

It's one part rum, three parts pum.

(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/metermind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?

Why couldn't they ring the jinge bells this holiday season?

There was noel

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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For some reason I always get sick during holidays.

I must have a weekend immune system...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GAZUAG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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What is a pirate’s favorite holiday decoration?

GARR-land

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrPewpew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What’s a dog’s favorite holiday?

Halloween, because they’re always doing tricks for treats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajicMan101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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Where do Bees stay when they go on holiday? 🐝

Air Bee n Bee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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My wife said that our relationship is like a holiday.

No, wait, that’s not it. She said it was her last resort.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rugsby84
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Paddy and his wife are on holiday in England visiting Historical Sites.

"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."

"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.

"1215," said the tour guide.

"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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What is Hercules' favorite holiday?

Labor Day

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ripster26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Holiday and end of last year pun, recycled
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perkypaul
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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My wife's coming back from holiday tomorrow....

Does anyone know how to delete the memory from my memory foam mattress?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my suitcases just now there will be no holiday this year.

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report

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