Whats an intelligent visitor with a typo?

An educated guess

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freezer12557
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why are handcuffs sometimes carried by foreign visitors?

Because they were designed for two wrists.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sonicxwwe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!

Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...

but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeWunderY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Took the family to the Star Trek museum today, and we were the 10,000th visitor.

We won the Enter Prize!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Why do so many visitors level Iceland without visiting the ancient Parliament?

Because they don't even know it's a ΓΎing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Prom3th3an
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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To attract new visitors, the Museum of Natural History ran a promotion where they gave away actual dinosaur vertebrae from their collection.

Everyone was taken aback.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_is_grand
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Visitor at work today needs to take things seriously
πŸ‘︎ 207
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrueJeeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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Why did the Jewish visitor eat a bagel?

Because Israeli hungry.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/ezaklycle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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A visitor at my job nailed me with this one

I work in a historic house all decorated for the holidays. Visitor comes in: "Can we take pictures here?" Me: "Yes, just no flash." Visitor: "But we can take pictures right?" Me: "Yes....." Visitor points at the wall. "I want that one."

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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A class of students is taking a tour of a cheese factory. The tour guide is showing the kids where the cheese is made, when suddenly a worker operating a forklift loses control and the vehicle goes hurtling towards the visitors. The worker screams:

"Get out of the whey!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/lyonhart31
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
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How many dead are in a cemetery?

All of them.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/moshedman85
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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Iron Bowl humor

Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!

Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.

Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.

Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.

Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.

War Eagle!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/joblessidiot420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Extended Christmas dad prank

When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors.

The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought).

For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night.

I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa. My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/queenermagard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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My dad got me good when coming to see his first granchild

Last week I left the delivery room to go meet my dad so that he could meet his first grandchild for the first time.

Emotions were high and smiles all around... and he was carrying a Costco tub of mixed nuts he had been snacking on.

All visitors must wash their hands before entering the room and as I was opening the door he got me with "Can you handle my nuts?"

I could hear his proud giggling as I walked away shaking my head... he has bestowed on me a great responsibility.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bones2484
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2016
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Dadjoked my son at the planet exhibit of the National Air and Space Museum.

12 year old son: "Did you know Venus is the hottest planet in the solar system?"

Me: "Did you know Venus is the only planet whose name rhymes with 'penis'?"

The best part was my wife and kids trying to stifle their embarrassed laughter around the museum visitors. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goconrad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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Dad joke at the zoo

My family and I were touring a zoo/safari park, and looking for the elevator that would take us down to another area of the park. We were walking near an older couple, and the woman pointed out to her husband that the elevator was just ahead past the mister (there were various places throughout the zoo where a pleasant mist of water helped keep visitors cool). The man responded, without missing a beat, "That's Mister Elevator to you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/et11robot
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2016
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Getting new cables installed in the office tomorrow...

Email > We will have some visitors in the office tomorrow dropping more internet cables in the conference room.

Reply > I hope they pick them up when they’re done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/raelys
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
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Meet the Jack of all dadjokes!

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happyazz84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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Negativity joke from my dad. (as emailed)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/joe630
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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