A German tourist jumped off to the freezing water to save my precious dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out he said, "Here is ze dog, dry him off and he vill be fine." I said, "Are you a vet?" To which he replied, annoyed; "Vet? I'm fucking zoaking."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_not_geih
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought Hawaii was a tourist destination...

But all the license plates there were from in state.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoboHops
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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What do Alaskan tourists say when they build an Igloo?

Let's go Inuit

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Hear the joke about a bunch of fat tourists standing in a queue?

It's got a terrible paunch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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What do a cab driver in Boston and a tourist in the capital of Bangladesh have in common?

They're both in Dhaka

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bandito210
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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Did you hear about the Lego piece that was 323 feet to a side? It was a huge tourist draw...

People were lined up around the block.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life

"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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What did the mandolorian say to assure the tourist he wasn't lost?

This is the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jxwtf585
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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I was on a safari in Africa when one of the tourists asked our guide, β€œIs it difficult to spot cheetahs?”

He said, β€œNo, they usually come that way.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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Did you hear about the two owls stealing from tourists on Machu Picchu?

They were incahoots.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hashsmasher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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A tourist who visited France died a gruesome death

He really shouldn’t have gone to the I-Fell Tower

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWolf2604
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
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Cemeteries are one of the most popular tourist attractions

People are dying to get into them!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roxanne_12784
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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The Tourist when to Cambodia and saw a person saying something.

He said "Khmer tourist, I got things for you to buy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toxic_dude22
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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A german tourist jumped into a freezing lake to save someone’s dog...

He told the owner β€œkeep him warm and he vill be fine” the owner asked β€œare you a vet?” The German replied β€œvet? I’m soaking!”

EDIT: Some people feel like I need to make it clear this is not my joke so... it’s not my joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameisj3sus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
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One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blΓ€nket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpillsMcDribble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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I guy was ranting in a bar about tourists

Guy 1: I don't like tourists. You never know what they're up to.

Guy 2: I'm a tourist and do you know what I'm up to? To kill you for what you said!

Guy 1: To what?!?!?

Guy 2: Tourist.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Did I ever tell you about the time I put a busload of tourists from Prague on a trampoline?

I bounced a lot of Czechs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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The tourists visited sites on both the Mediterranean and Baltic...

They went from "see" to "see"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Tourist goes to London and gets lost

Goes up to a Londoner to ask for directions.

Tourist: Excuse me, do you know Bishops Walk?

Londoner: Why yes, it is good for them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the state that likes to greet Japanese tourists?

Ohio!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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Did you hear about the ravenous shrubs that attacked a group of tourists?

It was an amBUSH.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psycho_Hobbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I've been cutting lumber for a tourist viewpoint over the bays in Norway

One could say I've been pining for the fjords

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πŸ‘€︎ u/belly_bell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report
It costs around $7 to cross the Golden Gate Bridge, regardless of whether you're a commuter or a tourist.

It takes a toll on everybody.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/original_evanator
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by a tourist in the hotel.

Go to check out of my hotel this morning. I get in the elevator and there's a group of raucous old men telling jokes and laughing. They were going down so they invited me in to the elevator even thought I was planning on catching the next one.

Anywho, as we're going down, the elderly gentleman I'm standing next to turns to me, and says

"Do you know the elevator dance?"

me: "No, what's that?"

him: "There are no steps!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebornotaku
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Japanese Tourist

My parents went to Spain, they met a Japanese tourist while on an excursion.

Japanese tourist greets my parents: "ohayō" (pronounced Ohio)

Dad says: "California"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBobHolly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad told this one to a bunch of tourists:

So for some background, my dad's a tour guide in the UK and he was showing a group round Hampton Court Palace and in the gardens there's this maze. This is the text he just sent me:

>Dad joke at Hampton Court Maze - I have fine memories of Hampton Court Maze. I used to bring my children here...... If you see them could you send them home!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patchoolible
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
🚨︎ report
A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog. After he climbed out, he said, β€œhere is ze dog, dry him off and keep him warm, he vill be fine. I asked him, β€œare you a vet?”

He said, β€œvet? I’m fucking soaking”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rohanlahiri05
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My dog jumped into some freezing water. A random German tourist jumped in to save him. He told me "Here is ze dog. keep him varm and he vill be just fine". I asked if he was a vet.

"Vet? I'm fucking soaked!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nakedurlrobot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report

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