A lunar cycle.
But that's just witchful thinking.
My friend asked me what I was train...ing for
They take the highway.
Suppose, you'd have to go the distance
The police is now on the look-out for five hardened criminals
They're both Hippocrates.
The elephant of supplies.
cause you're driving me bananas.
In an ambul-ants.
If you want to be a dad, replace 'public' with 'pubic' in any verbal conversation.
He replies, "Arkansas".
Whenever I drive it I feel like Jason Statham.
Police are still combing the area.
Whoops, wrong bus!
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",... keep reading on reddit ➡
Would it be a fight between the autobús and deceptavión?
but I think you're putting Decartes before the horse.
The stables have turned.
Walking............... JK Rowling
Dungeons & Daddies
A D&D real play podcast about four dads from our world transported into the Forgotten Realms and their quest to rescue their sons. Not a BDSM podcast.
Anthony Burch ( from Hey Ash, Whatcha Playin' and Borderlands 2 fame) is the DM (Daddy Master)
I am 6 episodes in and this is the most fun, creative and funniest RPG campaigns.
Give it a try and enjoy!
Shoebaru , Subaru Mitsufeetshi , Mitsubishi Legsus, lexus Merceknees bends, Mercedes Benz.
I'm really moving up
A bystander helps him and calls the ambulance for him, The transport driver tells the man to take the penguins to the zoo then man says okay. Later when the truck driver was released from the hospital he sees the man walking out of the movie theatre with a line of penguins behind him, he asked what the hell hes doing and the man said, well you told me to take them to the zoo, i did, then i took them to the mall and now the movies.
So a guy decides he wants to buy the world's most unique pet. He goes to the pet store.
He looks at a cat and a dog. Not unique enough.
He looks at a hamster and a guinea pig. Please.
The pet store guy shows him a porpoise in a tank. He says "what's unique about that" and the pet store guy says "this one will live forever".
So he buys two.
He takes them home and puts them in his bathtub.
He feeds them. He tries feeding them fish, shrimp, waffles, everything. They won't eat anything.
So he goes back to the pet store, and says "they won't eat anything I give them" and the pet store guy says "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, the only thing they will eat is mynah birds."
He says "mynah birds. Really?" and the pet store guy says "yep".
So he buys a couple mynah birds and takes them home.
When he gets home, there's a lion sleeping on his front step. Yes, a lion.
He thinks, that's a little strange, but I've got these mynahs and I've got to feed my pets. So he steps over the... keep reading on reddit ➡
I was driving on the highway towards Buffalo, NY with my dad, and we passed a small car that said "Buffalo Transportation." I said to my dad, "There's no way they can transport any buffalo in that thing."
...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.
Me: That's a Segway
but believe you are a Display Port
Perhaps you are a "transport"?
He was getting his blood drawn and the nurse said she was putting in an anticoagulant in. But she mis-spoke and said anti quackulant
So then my patient responds "but I'm not a duck"
Hahaha it was even funnier because of how serious everything was.
So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pu... keep reading on reddit ➡
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals."
She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
they both study Kidneys (kid knees)
I'm a medical transportation coordinator and have spent too much time listening to medical terminology. Help me.
"If I had a TARDIS or a DeLorean for transportation, I'd take it from time to time."
I guess you could say it made transportation more afFORDable :)
So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!
Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?
To book a rest!
Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:
I want to wreck ya vic!
Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?
Coz He'll sinky
What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?
Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.
Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.
I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"
The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin
Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!
The people of... keep reading on reddit ➡
There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.
One means it's against the law. The other is a sick bird.
-Told to me by my dad, about 40 years ago.
In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.
Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.
A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!
But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.
Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditor... keep reading on reddit ➡
I know what you're thinking, "Oman, that joke was Shiite, can't you joke about Sunni else?" I could, or you Kuwait until I'm finished. Do I have more? Yemen, but Israeli not that many. I write them down though... I store them in Iraq. Or for transport I store them I'm my bag, Dad. (Pretend you're my dad.)
Edit: Minor detail (Quatar you doing, man!)
I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What?' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face.
Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i.imgur.com/mTme2Jo.jpg
The following story is true.
Perhaps you have heard of The Noid. He was a character created by Domino's Pizza to act as a villain who would attempt to make your pizza taste crappy due to lack of freshness. Thankfully, according to Domino's, The Noid could easily be foiled by their 30 minute delivery guarantee.
On January 30, 1989, a man by the name of Kenneth Lamar Noid took the creation of the little guy as a personal attack on his character. Not one to take such a slight lying down, Mr. Noid took a Domino's location in Atlanta hostage, forcing them to make a special pizza and salad against their will. His demands included $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of the hit science fiction novel, "The Widow's Son".
Eventually, Mr. Noid surrendered to the police. After the incident, when reached for comment about Mr. Noid, Police Chief Reed Miller was quoted as saying, "He's paranoid."
Thank you for your time.
So, a few weeks ago, someone posted a pretty long dad joke. Here's mine--it's what my dad would call a "Shaggy dog story".
The dolphin trainers at the zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young sea gulls.
While looking for the gulls, a lion at the zoo escaped. The trainers didn't care--they had to save the dolphins. They found their gulls and were making there way back to the dolphin enclosure when they came across the lion. Fortunately, it was dead asleep, having been hit with a tranquilizer dart--but it was right in the middle of the path. So, they carefully stepped across it, and were immediately arrested. The crime? Transporting young gulls across state lions for immortal porpoises.
We are doing a landscaping project and we are looking for a wheeled basket to help transport rock to our backyard. She said "I wonder if anyone has something we can barrow..."
Transport trucks were slamming on their breaks and cars were backed up. My dad pulled over and called 911, in which he explained the situation and said "I think you should come and have them remooooooved."
I'm a dad and I like telling it, so I guess that's qualification enough. I heard this joke about 26 years ago, and I still laugh at it. Slightly long, so don't hate me.
A guy that lives alone decided that he wanted to get a pet. He went to a pet store in his city to see what was available. The man tells the associate at the store that he wants a pet, but he doesn't want an "ordinary" pet like a cat or dog, he wants something unique. The associate asks the man if he by chance has a swimming pool at his house, and the man replies that he indeed does have a pool. The associate says, "Great! I've got just the pet for you. Actually it is two pets -- two beautiful porpoises. And these aren't ordinary porpoises, either. They will never die, but there is one small catch. To keep them alive, once a year at noon on July 1, you have to feed each one of them an immature sea gull, before the birds have learned to fly." The associate tells the man that he shouldn't worry about the annua... keep reading on reddit ➡
There was a little boy who absolutely loved tractors, so for his 3rd birthday, his father bought him a little toy one. The boy thought this was the best toy he had ever gotten, and ignored all his other gifts to focus on the tractor, pushing it around the lounge whenever he got the chance, making tractor noises etc.
As the boy grows a little bit older, he comes to his 10th birthday, when his dad says "Alright son, you're a little older now, so here you go" before giving him a push-along ride-on tractor for their backyard. The boy thinks this is even better than his now quite old toy tractor, and is taking days off school and everything just to ride around the house and neighbourhood on his push-along tractor.
He gets a little older again, and lo and behold, it's now his 18th birthday. His dad comes up to him during the party and says "Ok son, you're a man now, so here you go" before unveiling a fully functional tractor for his son. "Wow, thanks Dad, this is amazing!" says the son, be... keep reading on reddit ➡
"It's a little known fact that the Titanic was not only transporting passengers, but was also carrying a large shipment of mayonnaise from Hellman's factories in England to consumers in Mexico. After the Titanic had made its trip to New York, the mayonnaise-- supposedly the largest single shipment of the stuff to ever be delivered to Mexico-- was going to be dropped off in the port city Vera Cruz. But unfortunately, when the ship sank, the Mexicans had lost all of the mayonnaise they had ordered. Extremely saddened by their loss and its economic consequences, the Mexicans declared a day that would go down in history as a holiday of remembrance and mourning. And every year on May the 5th they would celebrate...
"Sinko de Mayo."
hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh hyuh
And i get cut off by an ambulance. When all of a sudden one of the back doors swings open and a cooler pops out and rolls out to the shoulder. I stop and pick it up. I open it and find what looks to be a severed toe. I immediately call 911.
Operator: "911 what's your emergency"
Me:"Yes, i was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it's going to i can deliver it right now!"
O:"I'm sorry sir but you can't transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so."
M:"What kind of vehicle would that be?"
Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.
I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.
He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.
Dad senses m... keep reading on reddit ➡
I went to the transportation office at work with my coworker who was in need of a new parking pass. I don't drive to work, so I did not need to be there.
Parking Pass Attendant (to me): "Do you need a parking pass too?"
Me: "No thanks, I don't have a car."
Parking Attendant jokingly: "You should get one anyway and wear it around your neck"
Me: "I think wearing a car around my neck would get pretty heavy after a while"
So I was talking to my Dad about his work (Law Enforcement) and the transporting of criminals and how the searches work and how people could say things like "We found a pair of scissors in his rectum" to which my dad says "Rectum? They could have killed him."
Last night I played GTA 5, and I was inside one of those neat clothing stores to buy a suit. I bought a suit, I return to my character, and out of nowhere there was a public transport bus in the middle of the store. I reacted with what the hack, and my dad looks at my screen and says: ah I see, you must be in one of those new Hugo buss stores.
We responded code 3 (lights and sirens) to a local McDonalds for a patient who had been burned. We get the patient in to the back of the ambulance for privacy and provide some more care. As I move up to the front so we can transport to the hospital, a vehicle pulls up right next to us. An older gentleman rolls down the window and without even a smirk asks, "So is the food really that bad?"
"You go to the mall - that's one. The second method is you drop off a load of donations at Salvation Army. Third: you're picked up by a backhoe and transported to a pool of radioactive material in the middle of the garbage dump and your jeans are magically transferred off of you as you disintegrate. And the fourth? By policemen carrying out a court order in a maximum security prison."
We heard a train in the distance.
Her: "Do people even use trains anymore?"
Me: "Yea, for, like transportation..."
Her: "You mean trains-portation?"
Pursuing a diner menu after too short a sleep I see homemade hash browns offered. I ask the table something along the lines of why they'd transport hashbrowns when there's a kitchen here at the restaraunt. I laughed until the table was uneasy. My friend starting shaking and sweating. I maintained eye contact until they joins in the laughing. It was fun.
I work dispatch for an executive transportation company. The owner's name Is Matt. While talking to one of the chauffeurs, Matt's name prompted this.
You know what they call a guy with no arms, no legs and is lying next to a door? Matt.
He continues... Same guy is sitting in a pothole, what do you call him? Phil. And if he's in the swimming pool, we call him Bob. Put him up on the wall and his name is Art. Hang two of him on the wall and we call them Kurt and Rod!
I couldn't bring myself to respond. It was too brilliant.
Recently took a vacation with my parents. As we were getting on the public transportation bus:
Dad: Good thing you aren't here by yourself
Dad: Then you couldn't ride the bus
me (even more confused): Why couldn't I ride the bus by myself?
Dad: The bus is called the "Wego". Not the "Igo".
Family was discussing how my brother's ex-girlfriend's grandmother is being transported to RI to be buried after passing away in Florida.
Me: Isn't it sorta weird... you know.. that there could be a dead person flying in a plane en route to Rhode Island.
Dad: No, not really. I'd say the guy she was sitting next to would be the only one a little creeped out.