A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
It was the funniest thing, attendance was mandatory.
I guess you had to be there...
Happened in class today, teacher was taking attendance.
Teacher: hmmm, why Am I short
Me: genetics I suppose
An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German where all attending a Zoom meeting. The Supervisor asked “can you see me ok?”
To which they answered “yes” “oui” “si” “ja”.
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
My 8 year old nephew attended his first wedding. But his cousin had a question for his after the ceremony.
"Hey, how many women can a guy marry?"
"16!"
"How did you figure that out."
"Simple. I just listen to the minister and added them up: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer. That's 16!
My wife was a captain in the Army Reserve. She told me she had a promotion and asked me to attend the ceremony. I don’t know much about the Army,
...but I understand this promotion was a major ordeal.
I asked my friend how he’s finding work as an elevator attendant
He says it has it ups and downs.
What did the White House say when Trump left and refused to attend the inauguration?
Why did the duck have to attend rehab?
I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission.
He said he liked wearing his wife’s shoes when she wasn’t home.
Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph attend the online conference?
There was no zoom at the inn.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
Where do people attend support groups for arachnophobes?
i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.
All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
What do you call someone that visits a lot of bars?
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
Friend: Ugh the concert I was attending this weekend got cancelled
Me: wow that’s disconcerting
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.
Lady- how old is your daughter?
Me - 5
Lady - when does she turn six?
Me - on her birthday
Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?
Me - every year.
Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.
Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.
A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...
...so I have to fill her slot instead.
I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers
It's called on and on anon
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.
I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.
All the seats were already taken.
Why didn’t Queen Elizabeth take a shower before attending Prince Harry’s wedding?
Because she was already queen.
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says “regular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks “fill?” my dad replies
“No, Fred, nice to meet you”
I realised I was dyslexic when I attended a toga party
What did the casino's elevator attendant say after a cow left the elevator?
The Flight Attendant kept making jokes...
But none of them seem to have landed.
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?
He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.
I use to attend an Origami club.
I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion
All the ghosts booed at me.
Last weekend I attended a benefit for females born with no legs
The place was crawling with women.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''
To which the lift attendant replied:
"Maybe not, but I brought you up
didn't l?"
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