π︎ 15
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 25 2019
It was the funniest thing, attendance was mandatory.
I guess you had to be there...
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 08 2016
Happened in class today, teacher was taking attendance.
Teacher: hmmm, why Am I short
Me: genetics I suppose
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 19 2017
What did the White House say when Trump left and refused to attend the inauguration?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
Why did the duck have to attend rehab?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Why couldnβt Mary and Joseph attend the online conference?
There was no zoom at the inn.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission.
He said he liked wearing his wifeβs shoes when she wasnβt home.
π︎ 152
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
π︎ 48
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
Where do people attend support groups for arachnophobes?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.
All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"
π︎ 42
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.
If youβre hot blooded, theyβll check it and see.
π︎ 115
π
︎ May 24 2020
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
Friend: Ugh the concert I was attending this weekend got cancelled
Me: wow thatβs disconcerting
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"
... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
π︎ 530
π
︎ Nov 11 2019
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 15 2018
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.
Lady- how old is your daughter?
Me - 5
Lady - when does she turn six?
Me - on her birthday
Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?
Me - every year.
Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.
Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 15 2019
A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
π︎ 140
π
︎ Oct 21 2019
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...
...so I have to fill her slot instead.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Mar 02 2020
I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers
It's called on and on anon
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 06 2020
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Jun 07 2019
Why didnβt Queen Elizabeth take a shower before attending Prince Harryβs wedding?
Because she was already queen.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 13 2020
I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.
All the seats were already taken.
π︎ 681
π
︎ Sep 13 2018
I realised I was dyslexic when I attended a toga party
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 05 2019
What did the casino's elevator attendant say after a cow left the elevator?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 03 2020
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says βregular pleaseβ and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks βfill?β my dad replies
βNo, Fred, nice to meet youβ
π︎ 34
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
I was so mad when Walmart ran out of figurines for the Nativity
Now I have to attend manger management
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?
He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 16 2019
The Flight Attendant kept making jokes...
But none of them seem to have landed.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Sep 21 2018
What religious positions are open for women?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 17 2020
I use to attend an Origami club.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 16 2019
Last weekend I attended a benefit for females born with no legs
The place was crawling with women.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 20 2019
I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion
All the ghosts booed at me.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 25 2019
We attended my sister's boyfriend's funeral at 9 A.M. yesterday, but she didn't seem very upset and didn't cry at all. I asked her why and she said,
She's not really a mourning person.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 08 2019
My very religious Aunt attends mass daily.
She says that's because missing church for seven days makes one weak!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 23 2019
I asked a parking attendant if I could park on a road.
Parking attendant: you can't park here.
Me: But all these other cars parked here.
Parking attendant: they didn't ask.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
TIL: All IKEA employees must attend a mandatory meeting every morning before they start their shift.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 26 2018
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, βOrder! Order in the courtroom!β
So I said, βA pastrami on rye, please.β
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 15 2019
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''
To which the lift attendant replied:
"Maybe not, but I brought you up
didn't l?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 09 2019
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