The NHL just thanked the fans in attendance streamable.com/p2wwrd
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Denster1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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A typical "school" joke in my country, when a teacher was checking the attendance in the class:

"Who's not here, please raise your hand."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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It was the funniest thing, attendance was mandatory.

I guess you had to be there...

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MegaDaithi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Happened in class today, teacher was taking attendance.

Teacher: hmmm, why Am I short Me: genetics I suppose

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAMBURGER_SAMA
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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What did the White House say when Trump left and refused to attend the inauguration?

Ok. Bi-den.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WolfyDaWuf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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Why did the duck have to attend rehab?

He was a quack head

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph attend the online conference?

There was no zoom at the inn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathanlloyd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?

Put me in coach.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KinkyWaluigi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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what did the depressed water park attendant think of at the top of a high rise building?

I wanna commit suislide

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GLIZZYGOD999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I asked the movie theater attendant for one admission.

He said he liked wearing his wife’s shoes when she wasn’t home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Where do people attend support groups for arachnophobes?

On the web

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kippergills
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops

it was quite the sandal.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at Ikea reported me to the police.

All I asked was "How much for one night stand ?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
From Berlin to Warsaw in one tank
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuskiWafl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Mandatory temperature screening will be required for fans attending the Foreigner reunion concert.

If you’re hot blooded, they’ll check it and see.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...

...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Friend: Ugh the concert I was attending this weekend got cancelled

Me: wow that’s disconcerting

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPlaysUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said "see you later, son". I said indignantly, "don't call me 'son', you're not my dad!"

... To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 530
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.

Lady- how old is your daughter?

Me - 5

Lady - when does she turn six?

Me - on her birthday

Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?

Me - every year.

Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.

Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/enis_with_a_p
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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A man decided to attend his friend's funeral. He approached his friend's widow and after a consoling hug said "Plethora".

She responded "Thanks that means a lot".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcksn_m
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar...

...so I have to fill her slot instead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_kefir
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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I'm attending a self-help group for compulsive talkers

It's called on and on anon

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZakTheRedditor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t Queen Elizabeth take a shower before attending Prince Harry’s wedding?

Because she was already queen.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSocialGadfly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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I tried to attend a seminar for kleptomaniacs.

All the seats were already taken.

πŸ‘︎ 681
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I realised I was dyslexic when I attended a toga party

dressed as a goat

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the casino's elevator attendant say after a cow left the elevator?

The steaks are high.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kitten_Factory
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says β€œregular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks β€œfill?” my dad replies

β€œNo, Fred, nice to meet you”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDreidel82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I was so mad when Walmart ran out of figurines for the Nativity

Now I have to attend manger management

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathanielleS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the vampire attend the Kentucky Derby?

He heard the race was going to be neck and neck.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemystery
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The Flight Attendant kept making jokes...

But none of them seem to have landed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimisticAlone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
What religious positions are open for women?

Nun

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nonservia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I use to attend an Origami club.

But it folded.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Last weekend I attended a benefit for females born with no legs

The place was crawling with women.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grouchyjarhead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I attended a comedy night at a haunted mansion

All the ghosts booed at me.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zance21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
We attended my sister's boyfriend's funeral at 9 A.M. yesterday, but she didn't seem very upset and didn't cry at all. I asked her why and she said,

She's not really a mourning person.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadySparta729
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My very religious Aunt attends mass daily.

She says that's because missing church for seven days makes one weak!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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I asked a parking attendant if I could park on a road.

Parking attendant: you can't park here.

Me: But all these other cars parked here.

Parking attendant: they didn't ask.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guy2things
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: All IKEA employees must attend a mandatory meeting every morning before they start their shift.

Assembly Required.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, β€œOrder! Order in the courtroom!”

So I said, β€œA pastrami on rye, please.”

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said ''see you later, son I said indignantly, ''don't call me 'son' you're not my dad!''

To which the lift attendant replied: "Maybe not, but I brought you up didn't l?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation".

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZakTheRedditor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report

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