Friend: ...my wife is uncomfortable with them because they’ve joined the church of Satan. Like, he showed me his membership card. They’re paid members, man.

Me: well; someone has to pay the devil’s dues

Friend: damn it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jubaliya
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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I lied on my application for membership to the American Amputee Association

When they found out, I was dismembered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Happy_Each_Day
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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I’ll buy the gym membership myself
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arik_soong
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
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I’ve gotten behind in my Scrabble Club membership.

Now they’re sending me threatening letters.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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What do you call a plate that has a membership in a political party?

A poliDISHan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sebicoroian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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I forgot to pay my membership fee for months.

But today I finally remembered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egren
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
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Bicycle tire Dad Joke fail - where do I turn in my membership card?

At work, I had to take off and re-seat the tire on the front wheel of my bicycle. I took the wheel up to my cube to do it. As I was taking it, I passed someone in the stairwell. My dad joke was, β€œI’m tired.”

LAME!! Should’ve said β€œI’m retiring. Wish me luck!”

Shameful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tasunder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I sent a request for a gym membership online and it was declined.

Turns out I needed to have cookies disabled.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Reddit should offer a Reddit Cocaine membership...

I'd likely subscribe to it one time and realize it is not all that it is cracked up to be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
🚨︎ report
A Canadian lies about a gym membership to sneak in a workout. How does he feel the next morning?

Sore-y

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πŸ‘€︎ u/errsta
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I had to break-off my gym membership today...

We just weren't "working out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerGav09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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Why did Thing 1 and Thing 2 cancel their gym memberships?

Things weren’t working out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A store's membership card is called Inspire

Everytime the cashier asks if I have one I reply that it expired!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atothinath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
🚨︎ report
When someone is so crazy they have their gun club membership taken away, they're...

...deranged.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwimmingNaked
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
🚨︎ report
My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...

Today I found this one.

Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SLOBaron
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Say no to racism
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-_-STRANGER-_-
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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So far, in 2019, I'm down 100 pounds!

I'm going to cancel my membership on this low stakes UK gambling website.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevehrowe2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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If zombies attack...

Goto Sam's Club. There's cement walls, years worth of food and tons of supplies. Plus zombies can't get in without a membership.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Two homeless fellas are squatting in an abandoned house down the road.

I guess it's cheaper than a gym membership.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my friend after he made a spelling mistake while texting and I don't think he even realised.

Friend: My gym membership feels like such a waist atm

Me: Do you not think it's hip to go to the gym any more?

Friend: I think I ain't got time with a new born

Me: Can you not stomach it?

Friend: Well I got to do school runs and that fir the time being and K in the morning and Liam in the afternoon then home dinner putting kids down time is just gone

Me: Yeah, I've got a gut feeling you won't be working out as much as you used to anymore

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeyJ3DY
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2015
🚨︎ report
I Dadjoked my wife....

Local gym, we're on the treadmills close to the doors. A group of Mexican descendants walk out the doors, this is a 24 hr gym after normal business hours. Wife: I wonder if all of them have memberships Me: No, just Juan..... Wife: ..... :/ I swear I'm not racist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatherofzeuss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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Slightly offensive dadjoke at work

This one was about two years ago, but it was one of my favorite memories of work due to the reaction it got. There's a little bit of a setup/backstory for this.

I landed a job at the local Sam's Club before it opened, so I, along with the other associates, was to attend a credit training event at a very nice bank in town.

There were probably 30 or 40 in the class and most of us knew each other pretty well because we had spent the past few weeks 'blitzing,' or selling Sam's Club memberships at Walmarts in the area.

Anyway, the credit guy (his name fails me) was giving a powerpoint presentation on the ins and outs of the Sam's credit accounts. At one point, he said that for pre-approved members, a piece of paper called a 'chit' will print out. There were a few chuckles and he smiled and said "yeah, I know," and carried on.

Then I raised my hand.

He called on me, and I began: "So if a church with a business membership is pre-approved, who's responsible for applying? A church accountant or one of the clergy or something?"

"Yes, whoever owns the account itself."

"Would that be considered a 'holy chit?'"

The class erupted in laughter and one associate even left the room because she was laughing so hard. I saw one of the managers in class with us had his head buried in his arms laughing to the point of tears.

Probably my finest moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Ill never get back to my orginal weight.....

Girlfriends uncle was talking about a gym membership and goes yea I don't think I'll get one. Because I'll never get back to my original weight of 6 pounds 2 ounces.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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My dad came home for work and immediately got Sirius with me.

I recently bought a new vehicle, and signed up for the 3 month Sirius radio trial that comes with it.

My dad gets home from work and immediately comes upstairs and gives me the letter from Sirius radio to renew membership.

As he hands it to me he says: "Here's your letter from Sirius in case you decide to get serious about Sirius.

Been waiting all day to say that..."

I just smiled and shook my head.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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Hotel Rewards Program

I work as a front desk associate for a major hotel chain that has a rewards program, but the guest checking in, a Mr. Zingone, didn't have it on his reservation. I tried searching for it several different ways, just the surname "Zingone," just his phone number, but ultimately could not find his account information.

So I told him, "Well, you may have had a membership, but it looks like it's... Zin-gone..."

He told me no more humor, just get me to my room. I think he was just as impressed, however.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/failbender
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
🚨︎ report
I tried to join the Overeater's Club

but the membership was full.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SOSpammy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2016
🚨︎ report
New here. Here's my joke.

Last night we (my wife, the two oldest, and myself) were making sandwiches. My son asked for the mayo. I told him we were out. He yelled "well tartar sauce," the expletive from Spongebob.

I handed him the tartar sauce, told him it'd taste weird on bologna, and giggled.

Does this qualify me for membership?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimrob4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoking the headlines

The headline on our local paper yesterday said, "Giving the gift of guns." My husband stared at it for a second, then said, "I guess a lot of people want gym memberships for Christmas."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superflippy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Working at Hannaford Supermarket, a customer asked if I wanted her "number"

I said, "Lady, we just met!"

Luckily, she had a great sense of humor. She was referring to, of course, a phone number for a rewards member look-up, but Hannaford Supermarkets does not have a membership card anymore; it was too easy, I had to tease her!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jdheath
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2014
🚨︎ report

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