Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
It's Winter in a Walken Wonderland.
It was quite the Plot Twist
Everyone knows a panda eats shoots and leaves.
''bad reviews, only one star''they said.
"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"
Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.
Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"
The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.
Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"
The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"
I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
I told him they only do Caesar cuts.
.. I've none atoll.
We created our own joint account.
It's too high a price 'toupee.'
There is a lot that I want to accomplish in The Mean Time!!
I'm afraid she is addicted to crack.
Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...
Because he was out of alignment.
I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.
Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:
"Wiper no Wiping!!"
The graveyard people are just dying to go there
His father was a Carpainter
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."
The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not
He was sailing for Indica
It was a Shih Tzu
The plot thickens.
Because it only has one star
Doctors are calling it Munch housin’ syndrome.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
Tooth-Hurty
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.
Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
I get cookies.
I guess I have a Taipei personality.
I'll take itally.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
It was incredibull.
She’s dead and berried.
It was my wife’s 50th birthday so I took everyone to McDonalds. My wife said I’m officially the cheapest man alive but I’m not buying it.
The Purrsian Gulf
When Dermatologist finishes looking me over, he asks if anything strange was on my penis. ( I was wearing undies). I said " once in awhile the wife"
All I did is "check mate".
I'm sure they'll do better next year.
I reminded her that I'm a guy.
That would make me uncle social.
"Sense us."
I guess he had no balls.
He's in the bathroom a really long time. The nurse knocks on the door and asks him if he's okay. He responds "yes, I'm just passing the time."
A Claus call
to get stoned.
Because the recipe said "First, take a leek..."
Good times.
But it was all locked up.
So I went home for the hollandaise
The highway to the manger zone.
I told him to be my guest.
Cuz when they checked the reviews it only had 1 Star
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I had to call pest control because we had aunts.
but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
a week on each hill.
He needed more space.
I chose Caerphilly.
“Ehh, you’ve been to one, you’ve been to the mall”
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him "Are you the friar"?
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk."
Must be in continent.
My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D
I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well
It is sublime.
He wouldn’t techno for an answer.
I mean, the folks there were so nice, and as I left, the guy told me, "Get a long little doggy!"
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
A Coco-naut
Sherlock inspects the body and notes that the man doesn't have anything covering his top. Watson looks at Sherlock and says "Yeah, no shirt, Sherlock!"
Iran.
Does anyone know the Gettysburg address?
Whateverest
He was not Pripyat
Because it’s already 8pm.
To get his Quarterback
There‘s a lot to unpack here
I said "about 500".
Texan said: "I can get in my truck and drive all day and never get off my property!"
I said:"yeah, I had a truck like that."
It was a kid napping.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it?
Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Floss Vegas.
Because we only have a one star review.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
Terrible ratings. It only has one star.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
