"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"
Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.
Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"
The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.
Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"
The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"
I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.
I told him they only do Caesar cuts.
Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...
I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.
His father was a Carpainter
It was a Shih Tzu
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
The Purrsian Gulf
All I did is "check mate".
He's in the bathroom a really long time. The nurse knocks on the door and asks him if he's okay. He responds "yes, I'm just passing the time."
to get stoned.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
a week on each hill.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him "Are you the friar"?
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk."
My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D
I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well
I mean, the folks there were so nice, and as I left, the guy told me, "Get a long little doggy!"
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
Iran.
Sherlock inspects the body and notes that the man doesn't have anything covering his top. Watson looks at Sherlock and says "Yeah, no shirt, Sherlock!"
There‘s a lot to unpack here
The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts."
I didn't expect the Spanish imposition...
Finnish Hymns!
I’m an idle worshipper.
Because he was looking for a good case idea.
He tells the farmer that he wants to speak with his animals so he can check how their life there is.
The farmer reluctantly leads the inspector to the paddocks, the inspector notices some cows and approaches asking "Hello Ms Cow, how are you finding life on this farm?" The cow replied in a ventriloquistling voice, "I love my life on the farm, I get grass all day and get put indoors at night". The farmer is amazed at the sight before him.
The inspector makes his way to the duck pond and asks the ducks, "Ducks, how is your life at this farm?" The duck, like the cows reply "I love this farm, we get grain and the big pond. We love our life here".
The inspectors continues his way through the farm with the farmer in tow eventually reaching the sheep pen. As he makes his way towards the sheep the farmer quickens his pace catching the inspectors. "I have something to tell you before you chat to the sheep, THE SHEEP LIE!
Best game of Monopoly ever.
One day I'm sitting talking to Gramps when another patient suddenly starts running around the room with his fists out in front of him as if riding a motorcycle, screaming "Braaaaaaaaaap, Braaaaap, Braaaaaaap." My Grandpa yells at him: "Goddamit Bill, Stop that!!!"
Me: I know right? The guy makes one hell of a racket!
Grandpa: I don't even mind the noise so much, its the damn smoke that gets to me!
A Paleontologist
Daughter: "The tooth fairy couldn't find it because it wasn't under my pillow because I found it sticking to my butt this morning."
Me: "So, what you're saying is that your lost tooth came back to bite you in the ass?"
Me: Not really. There is a 70% chance we will be in the middle of the ocean.
Her: This is why no one hangs out with us anymore.
I said "Lettuce see the selection, please"
But I don't get it, that house seemed pretty heavy to me
Because, as the song says, if the house is Moroccan, don't bother knockin'.
A New York new yolk.
My 8 year old daughter just made this one up over dinner in little Italy. We're in the city visiting my wife's brother's family who had their first baby last summer. I was pretty impressed and had to share.
It was a reservation reservation reservation.
Beware of shopping in Israel. It Israeli expensive.
So I'm in undergrad right now, on track to apply to dental school and whatnot. My parents came down to visit me and bring me some home cooked goodies. They got hungry so we decided to hit up a BBQ joint. In the car, my mom is scolding me for something (I forget what for) but my reply was that I don't have any patience to do it. She says "Why don't you have any patience?" when my dad chimes in and says "Well, he has to wait until he graduates from dental school before he gets any patients".
Baduhm-tss
and I got poppycock. What nonsense is that!?
He said he had tried the new Costa (a UK equivalent to Starbucks) in town. I asked him what it was like, having not visited it myself and he simply replied "It Costa fortune"
As we are driving we come up to a hill and half way up we see a man on a longboard trying to make his way up, when my wife points at him and says that guy fighting an uphill battle! Eyes rolled and knees were slapped.
Then in the middle of our conversation he stops. "I know this is a little off topic but I really need to know something." "Sure Dad, what's up?" "What kind of detergent do you use to get out a Namastain?" cue daughterly groan
Long, but worth it. GF visits me at work, I sneak up behind her and pinch her butt. She jumps, turns and asks "Why do you always do that?!" Me: "What?" GF: "Misbehave?" Me: "Sounds like a naughty teacher." GF: "huh?" Me: "Miss Behave, she sounds like a naughty teacher." GF groans and slaps me on the shoulder as a Female Co-worker walks by. FC: "Dunno what you did, but I'm sure you deserved that." GF: (to FC) "He did." (To me) "Who's that?" Me: "Oh, that's Missus LeJoke" (cue cheesey grin :D) GF realizes what I said, rolls eyes, groans "oh jeesus", facepalms, and walks away chuckling.
My parents invested in a pig, as in we buy it as a baby and the farmer lady fattens it, butcher it, etc.
We went to visit the pig and she gave them their feed and they weren't eating until we were walking away. To that she said:
"They just don't want to look like hogs"
GF is pointing out different buildings in her hometown when I point to a factory.
Me: What's that?
SO: Oh that's just a plant.
Me: No dear, that's a building.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
Tooth-hurty
