Toured Puns

In the ship I saw the Master at Arms’ office and weapon storage was right near the ship’s bakery. It struck me as odd, until I realized that the Navy followed the same principles as the Army having the US gold in Fort Knox, surrounded by an armored force.

You have to be able to guard the dough.

Nothing jumped out at me.

There'd be a pop quiz.

"Where is that again?"

"It's right next to the S factory!"

While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

Its axle rose.

While inside, I took a deep breath and said, "Ahh, nice dairy air!"

The woman next to me strongly disagreed. She didn't have to smack me though ...

I said, only if they’re givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away now.

It wasn't very long so my time there was brief.

He’s always telling people to come on bored

Does this now make him Postpone Malone?

Cardinal Directions

I guess laughter isn’t the best medicine.

Unfortunately it was fully booked

It had me fondly thinking back to the time years ago when my friend Mitchell and I toured four of the five Great Lakes one summer.

I wonder if I’ll ever see Mitch again?

No time Toulouse

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

“I c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, “HOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, “You let your guard down”

Guess that makes him postponed Malone

Tour guide: And did you know that if you live across from a cemetery, you can’t be buried there?

Me: What?? Why not?

Tour guide: Because you’re still alive!

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!

They asked me, "What's upstairs?" I replied," Unfortunately, stairs don't talk."

I couldn't afjord it.

.........Yup It's No Diggity. Instead No doubt.

I just read that Mariah Carey has been has been selected to play with Johnny Cash on his Resurrection Tour. There won't be an opening act, so it'll be only Cash n Carey.

Then I saw her face, Now we're in Geneva.

Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

It’s gonna be the “whirlwind tour”

I’ll see myself out.

I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour

I knew it would just be a hollow gram.

Now the streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.

A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”

Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy”

Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.

It's a minute tour.

I've been doing horrible in the current tour so I told him:

"I'm going to lose a few tiers after this tour"

Son - "You don't have to cry about it"

Can't wait to hear My Corona played again!

While I enjoyed it, I felt the trip had no Seoul.

The entire process was quite puzzling.

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.