I have very fond memories of my dad arriving home, wearing his white t-shirt, black leather jacket, giving me the thumbs up, and saying 'Ayyyy'...

...happy days!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kublakhan1977
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: *arriving at the office after lunch in a nice red dress.*

My boss: Why are you dressed as a woman?!

Me: What do you mean? You asked me if i could join the meeting with the Chinese as a trans later?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kjarkr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what the soldier said when arriving in Iran?

Guys, Iran into something

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LapinusTech
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the atheist say upon arriving in hell?

Well, I'll be damned!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oranje25
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
After arriving 1 hour late to picking my wife from work for the third time this week she said β€œI’ve had it, I’ve lost all of my patients!” And I said β€œyou know what?...

Maybe you should be a better doctor”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aexolthum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Arriving back home

I picked up some friends from the airport who were traveling back from a Holiday trip around Europe last night. After asking them how they were, one of my friends were complaining about their left ear feeling full and they couldn't hear out of it. So naturally, I looked over and asked, "So you're alright, then?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sethios
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Arriving at Anime Weekend Atlanta

Pull up. See some Death Note cosplayers walking into the building. Suddenly hear dad as we exit the car, "YEAH! GO BUSINESSMAN!"

Goddammit, dad. Just let this whole place know you don't belong here.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronicallyMature
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
🚨︎ report
When we arrived at the playground, I realised my son secretly brought the cat with him. I was about to be angry at him...

...but then I decided to let it slide.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me that a very thick letter had arrived for me.

I replied, 'of course it's thick. Envelopes and pieces of paper do not tend to have a very high IQ'.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My new Tesla arrived yesterday and didn’t have a new car smell...

It had more of an Elon Musk.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grepadil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I enjoyed hiking up mountains, until I arrived at the top.

From there, it's all downhill.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Daffy Duck went to Porky Pig’s house. When he arrived he used the bathroom, but there wasn’t any toilet paper. Daffy yelled for Porky and Porky replied:

Bidet bidet bidet, that’s all folks.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the haunted spice cabinet say when December arrived?

Season's greetings!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iiNexius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.

β€œI’m a turtle,” he says. β€œOh... who’s on your back?” β€œThat’s Michelle,” he replies.

πŸ‘︎ 147
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Safazz146
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What does fall do when it arrives?

Leaves

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Innarhythm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What transformer is made out of cardboard box and arrives in two days?

Amazon Prime

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommygunz20
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy who always arrives on time

Justin time. (Got it from that tracer voiceline)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eily146
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A detective arrives

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

.

.

.

.

.

My son: but this is not a dad joke.

Me : what is a day joke then?

My son : when the joke becomes a(p)parent.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the electrician happy to arrive at his house after work?

Because there’s no place like ohm.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard, the sequel to 2020 has has been postponed?

2022 won’t be arriving for at least a year.

πŸ‘︎ 278
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Redkingror
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
do you know why police like to arrive early at riots?

They like to beat the crowd!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

About Tennish

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmartass1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do authors always arrive unannounced?

Because everyone knows the first rule of writing is β€œshow, don’t tell”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Westerfield
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cat say when he arrived in China?

Mi auw

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yovinio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato were all out for a leisurely Sunday stroll

They walked through the flower gardens at the park. They skimmed stones across the lake. They fed the ducks bread.

It was a perfect Sunday.

Then daddy tomato had a call that his brother was in hospital. Across the road was a bus destined for that very place.

They ran back through the park dodging ducks and tripping on stones and getting tangled in foliage. Baby tomato was starting to lag a little. So daddy tomato, in a panic, shot glances at the arriving bus and his helpless offspring. He Ran to his son and with all his might squashed him into the pavement with his Dr Martins boots and said

"Ketchup"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. β€œ13?”, the scientist asks, β€œI wanted a dozen!”

The lab clerk says β€œI thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ErectAnarchy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cinnamon say to the paprika when he arrived at his house

May i please cumin

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hfoste1380
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So Poland's dealing with a surge in the number of the novel coronavirus cases. Can we say that the Winged HusSARS arrived?
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Niggociable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 846
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My book on clocks finally arrived.

It's about Time!

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KillRespectively1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm a time traveler, just arrived from 1990

It took me thirty years to get here.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CapstickWentHome
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor *arrives late* sorry for the wait

It’s okay, I’m patient

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NicJ20
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The summer rains have finally arrived...

Couldn’t have come monsoon enough!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PEZZZZZZZZZZZ
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
In the early days of Tesla, they had difficulties getting the CEO to show up on time to meetings, so they trained a puppy to find him and bark until he arrived...

...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery typically arrive at Wimbledon?

"Tennish" RIP Sir Sean.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Corpsman223
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

About tennish.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bum-Sniffer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.