Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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So when me and my friend were stuck in a lift, the ventilation shut off

He then started hyperventilating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisvskris
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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At 11:59:59, don't forget to stand-up and lift your left foot off the ground.

That way you start the new year off on the right foot!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brewingcode
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I was lying on the floor today, repeatedly lifting a 12-pack of Coke up and down off my chest...

...and all I could think was, "This is soda-pressing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcbluestar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I finally got a haircut today, after months, because of lockdown

It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my mind.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MentalMemes201
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I finally told my wife about my dreams of becoming a bodybuilder

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wawoodworth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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Where does the Bible mention smoking?

Genesis 24:64 -- And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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I should have laughed...

So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwiikberg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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It's what's for dinner

While my girls were playing with their new doll house, they were making their dolls say they were hungry.

Me: * grabs toy dog and toy BBQ. Places dog on grill *

Oldest: what are you doing? That's not very nice.

Me: we're having * lifts lid off Bbq * hot dogs!

Wife: * rolls eyes *

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrainAss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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How to do the stud finder joke - a step by step guide (may not work for all models of stud finder)

Discovered this today while hanging a curtain rod.

I am using the zircon one step stud finder, seen here http://m.acehardware.com//product/index.jsp?productId=1298011&KPID=997266&cid=CAPLA:G:Shopping_-Measuring_Tools/Marking_Tools-_New&pla=pla_997266&k_clickid=21a0e1ae-1f94-44cd-b27e-a6a83ba1fdc1

Begin by using the stud finder to locate a stud as normal. Release the button.

Lift the stud finder off the wall slightly and press the button. This will help calibrate the stud finder to "empty space", making it think that any hard surface is a stud.

Quickly place the stud finder on your chest, onto your breastbone, the stud finder should beep indicating it is on a stud.

Make joke as normal

This saves you from making the beep noise yourself, which, in my opinion weakens the joke.

This way the tool itself confirms that you're a stud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsgunn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
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My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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Dad-joked my classmate

My classmate and I were doing the old rocket-pen trick (You know the one, where you click in the pen and release it and watch it soar into the air.) However, my classmate was having some difficult grasping the intricacies of it.

Classmate: "I just can't seem to get it to lift-off!"

Me: "It appears you have ejectile dysfunction."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitharris
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
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FWD: Fwd: FWD FWD: Fwd: Emails from Dad

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CampConcentration
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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