When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
That would be soda pressing.
Atrophy
The steaks have never been higher.
Hexagon
Turned to the wife and said "Do you like what I'm wearing?" (Lulling her into a false sense of security)
She smiles at me, blissfully unaware of my setup and thinking I'm just being cute.
"It's a son-hat." I say with a grin.
The groan she gave me told me I had done well.
A favourite of mine from the show Modern Family that I laugh to myself about everytime I am packing leftovers.
Claire: How do the containers and lids get separated? Phil: Built-up resentment ... money issues ... met a younger lid.
They have their ups and downs
They really drive me up the wall.
Is not my strong suit.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
Coworker: How is she today?
Me: She's still holding up well.
Huge jack men
He's thor
Man, I'm thor.
She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'
He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”
I had to put my foot down.
He was Thor.
He was dead lifting.
Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!
.. Dying to Czech it out
He didn’t want to steal his thunder
The rest is mostly downhill
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡But I’ve started taking steps to avoid it.
Einstein is a smart fella and the guy is.........
a fart smella.
They've decided to call it hella sore.
He said he was peforming an eggcorism
According to him, their first date was "A Casual tea"..
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats...
If I integrated a gym into my liquor store.
They’re always hiring people.
It feels like a weight’s been lifted from my chest.
He Exorcises.
The odds were stacked against me
Everyone will try to pick up where they left off.
It’s always at the centre of a tension.
