A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I ordered pulled pork in a restaurant this evening.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
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︎ Oct 29 2020
I pulled a muscle while digging up gold
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︎ Feb 11 2021
A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers"
I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.
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︎ Mar 01 2021
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.
Apparently something was afoot.
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︎ Feb 23 2021
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
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︎ Dec 25 2020
My fiancΓ©e pulled a fast one on me last night while we were talking
Talking about our dog, Baxter, who is deaf, a little clumsy, and a big goofball
Her: You know, maybe he does have some neurological issues.
Me: Maybe. But we wouldnβt know for sure unless we get a CAT-scan, and weβre too poor for that.
Her: Well, in this case it would be a DOG-scan, right?
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︎ Feb 09 2021
I pulled a muscle while trying to come up with some synonyms.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...
Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.
so here goes...
(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)
daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?
me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?
daughter: elizabeth-gramma.
me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?
(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)
daughter: don't know, who?
me: my mum.
(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)
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︎ Jan 24 2021
My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.
"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "
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︎ Jan 14 2021
A state trooper pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway
Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting
The trooper crank down his window and yelled to the driver βpull overβ
βNo!β yelled the woman βitβs a cardiganβ
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I was driving through Quebec, and a cop suddenly pulled me over eating fries and gravy.
It was a poutine traffic stop.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
U/JBJorr said this in a comment but I thought it deserved its own post β I pulled a small prank on the elevator
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
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︎ Dec 22 2019
My friend got pulled over and the cop drew his gun on him!
Luckily the ink washed off after a couple days
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︎ Oct 31 2020
I got pulled over the other day driving 120mph
When the cop got to my window he said βIβve been waiting on you all dayβ
I said βI got here as fast as I couldβ
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︎ Dec 02 2020
I'm feeling horrible that I pulled into the sausage store
I took a turn for the wurst
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My wife pulled me aside yesterday. We sat down and she told me she had some news. Honey, I'm pregnant were here exact words.
I responded with hi pregnant, i'm dad.
"No you're not."
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︎ Sep 04 2020
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why
I simply said "I don't speak sign language"
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︎ Oct 06 2020
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop βgive me a break man, I slowed down.β The cop starts beating on the guy and says...
βSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
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︎ Nov 05 2020
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said βdo you have a police record, sir?β I said:
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︎ Oct 03 2020
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Why did the farmer get pulled over after planting his field?
π︎ 17
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︎ Sep 08 2020
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.
Homework time.. complaining, I donβt wanna, etc.
Me: Nicky, Iβm getting upset.
Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, Iβm Nicky.
Then he dabbed and walked away.
Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.
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︎ Feb 13 2020
Frogs donβt put pulled pork on their plates at a barbecue
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 21 2020
7 year old my wife babysits just pulled out a dad joke...
While playing with our 5 year old son and discussing Ninjas and Lego Ninjago...
7 Year Old: I know what kind of shoes Ninjas wear....
5 Year Old: What kind?
7 Year Old: Sneakers
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︎ Jun 10 2020
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"
I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"
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︎ Jul 17 2020
What did the pretzel say when it was pulled out of the oven?
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 15 2020
A woman driving a minivan with 7 hyperactive kids gets pulled over for running a red light. The cop says βDonβt you know when to stop?β The woman says...
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My 8 year old pulled this on me
Daughter: Dad, are you smart?
Me: Yes.
Daughter: Spell it.
Me: S-M-A-R-T
Daughter: You said youβre smart but you canβt even spell the word βit.β
She got me good.
β
Edit: My first front page post! Iβd like to say thanks to all the wonderful people that upvoted this and made awesome comments. And screw you to the weirdos who went out or their way to say mean things. And thanks to my daughter. She is the real MVP in all this.
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︎ Mar 27 2019
I pulled over a truck going 80 miles an hour in a 55 zone. He had a cargo of axe-like tools used for shaping large pieces of wood.
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 25 2020
Two snails pulled up next to me at a red light.
When the light turned green they sped away.
I looked to my friend and said, βlook at that S car go!β
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 08 2020
The driver got pulled over for speeding
I guess he was driving uber fast
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 03 2020
Someone pulled me aside and asked me to move
So I went back to where I was.
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 28 2020
My wife was grating some cheese then suddenly she pulled her hand away and said 'Ow, I think I cut my finger!'
I turned to her and said 'damn that is some sharp cheddar!'
π︎ 21
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︎ May 20 2020
This guy pulled off a 5-month long con with a hidden fake mustache just to make a dad-joke pun...and itβs amazing
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︎ Sep 09 2019
What do you call A cop with A pulled muscle?
π︎ 21
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︎ Jun 02 2020
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said Iβm free to go.
I replied βactually it cost me about $80β
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 15 2020
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I pulled a muscle swinging my pickaxe.
π︎ 131
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I pulled a muscle while I was digging for gold.
π︎ 153
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I pulled a muscle digging for gold
π︎ 75
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I pulled a muscle digging for gold
π︎ 63
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︎ Jul 14 2020
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