She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
The bartender says, βHey! Arenβt you the rope that I just threw out?β
The rope replied, βNo. Iβm a frayed knot.β
Thatβs how excited I was to see my little brother.
A Liability
It was a reel bad situation.
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
The Bank Teller Goes: " Are you Trying to Mug me?! "
That's how I roll.
He'll never see it.
Waiter/waitress approaches, and they politely say, "Hi my name is (name) and I'll be your server today." My father always responds with, "Hi (name), my name is (my father's name) and I'll be eating here today!" Every time, he never fails to say it.
He then pulled the couch into the middle of the room
Guide: I love questions, so at any point on the tour feel free to ask!
Me: Witches are part of the Wicca religion, correct? (Having little knowledge of it)
Dad: Don't ask the guide, look it up on....wiccapedia. Get it?
Tour guide laughs and I facepalm.
spills water down myself when drinking
Me: βSorry, I have a drinking problemβ
Her: βHahahahaβ
forget her dad has drinking problem
Me: βThat is such a dad jokeβ
silence is deafening
Cop," Where's your passenger?"
Me, "Due to Social Distancing, he's in the car right behind me."
It was tearable.
...she said "you love those dogs more than me".
But it escalated quickly
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
I simply said "I don't speak sign language"
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
"Well son , now that you have got a kid of your own, i think it's time to give you this."
"Dad you don't mean-"
"Yes son ,i do" Dad pulls out the copy of 1001 Dad Jokes,5th Edition
"Dad... i am honoured..." , He says , tears sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi honoured" , replies his father , "i'm dad".
He was hauling adze!
His parking is unparalleled!
I guess you could say Remy is Linguiniβs voice of season
I replied βactually it cost me about $80β
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
So a Ute pulls into work with a massive turkey on the back in a cage. When the driver steps out to make their purchase I say: βI donβt know what youβre feeding that dog but he looks terrible!β
She didnβt even give me a courtesy laugh.
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
Just happened on my walk break.
I was taking a stroll downtown and walked by the county courthouse building. I noticed there was an employee (had a county badge) standing outside on the sidewalk and holding a wall clock. I knew what I had to do. I walked up and asked, "Do you happen to have the time?"
One of my proudest moments, although I'm a faux-pa myself. He enjoyed it too.
He said, "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Now he can wake up and jump straight into his drawers!
I told him I miter saw who it was...
the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they donβt serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, β Hey...arenβt you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?β. The rope looks at him confused and says, β No, Iβm a frayed knotβ.
My mom likes pulling straight into park spots. My dad prefers to back in. I don't care. I'm Neutral
He had a confused Luke on his face.
Found this on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says βWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?β. My pal thinks βbetter humour himβ so says β We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow laneβ. Cop says βNo Sir, I said βWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !β
It's an inside joke.
The officer asks βOccupation?β The man replies βno just visitingβ
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘Found this gem on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says βWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?β. My pal thinks βbetter humour himβ so says β We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow laneβ. Cop says βNo Sir, I said βWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !β
