When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.
So the man goes over and says “I’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”
The other man says “Mffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”
The first man says “What?”
The other man spits something into his hand and says “I said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”
Wife walked in to the bedroom as I was pulling off my Boxers...
...she said "you love those dogs more than me".
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
I couldn't undo the buttons on my jumper, so I tried pulling it over my head but got it stuck.
I'm in the hospital now waiting to see a cardyologist.
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
I am pulling my hair out to think of that R & B singer who opens doors
I was pulling my trailer over a steep hill and just as I started going downhill the trailer passed me and crashed at the bottom of the hill.
I guess it went down without a hitch
I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
My son is the best ever at pulling the car aside a curb in line with other vehicles...
His parking is unparalleled!
If lightning struck the engine of a train pulling 50 cars, would someone riding the caboose get shocked?
Only if he’s a good conductor.
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.
I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season
I recently tried on some new shoes and I told the salesman they felt a bit snug. He told me to try pulling the tongue.
“OK,” I said, “buth I don’th know how thith will helpth”
Asked gravity if it would be my wing man last night. Alas, it kept pulling
"Help! There's a mysterous force pulling me into the floor!"
Wife: "Please get up off the floor and stop embarrassing yourself."
Dad: "Honey, do you not understand the gravity of this situation?!"
The DNC is pulling a 2016 all over again...
It's really gonna Bide'em in the ass
Did you ever hear that they named Canada pulling letters out of a hat?
The person drawing them said, "C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"
My friend is so proud that he finally got a waterbed with sliding boxes opened by pulling out and closed by pushing in...
Now he can wake up and jump straight into his drawers!
My construction foreman asked me if I knew who made accurate crosscuts in a workpiece by pulling a mounted circular blade down onto a board in a quick motion...
I told him I miter saw who it was...
Maybe he is just pulling her leg.
I saw Mark Hamill trying to get in a store by pulling a door marked Push.
He had a confused Luke on his face.
A boy was pulling on an electric line...
Man was he shocked with the current outcome!
Saw a guy pulling on this poor cow's tits in public. How dairy!
I won a battle against a spider by pulling off all its legs...
You could say I de-feeted-it.
He is just pulling his leg.
It is so cold in Chicago today that teens are pulling up their own pants.
While pulling into a parking lot my wife noticed a car with a reverse light out.
Our friend in the back seat was a dad for a short while. All I heard her say was "I guess only half of the car is backing up."
I'm so proud of her.
If you pull a rope tighter, then you are pulling a rope tighter.
In a bar a man kept pulling something out of his pocket and then asking for another drink. After 2 or 3 hours of this the bartender was curious and asked what he kept looking at after each drink.
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
Why did the Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
I don't get why people say "pulling out" is ineffective?
I found articles saying it was actually a very popular misconception.
As we were pulling out of our driveway and I was adjusting the mirrors, I said to my wife, "It's important to remember, there's side view, rear view and you know what else?"
I walked up the driveway, and my dad was pulling weeds. I asked how is day was going.
"I'm getting to the root of the problem!" He says.
Wife is driving, we're pulling through a fastfood drive through...
She asks me 'Do you have your wallet handy?'
Its in my back pocket so I reply 'Nope! It's currently ass-y.' (I then retrieve my wallet amidst being smacked around my head and shoulders)
I was complaining to my dad that I had forgotten my matches after pulling my cigarettes from my pocket.
He said if you take one from the box and throw it away, it will become a cigaret lighter.
So we were pulling into the airport and a car speed by us....
I remarked, "Dang, He is flying"
Dad immediately pointed to a plane and said, "No he is flying"
Groans echoed from the car
Pulling up to Olive Garden last night with my Dad
"There's a lot of cars out here what if there's a wait?"
"I'll lift it" - my Dad
Edit: Grammar
Saw a car late last night pulling into a business for "Restaurant Accounting", wife asked what he was doing there so late.
My reply: "He must be cooking the books."
She just stared at me...
Happened a few mornings ago when pulling out the drive way.
I noticed a bird on top of our trash can tweeting away. i told my wife that he was talking trash.
I thought pulling the shell off my racing snail would make him faster...
But it just made him more sluggish.
[NOT A JOKE] Does anyone else get extremely judgmental looks when pulling off a dadjoke in public?
I don't mind when I get these looks amongst close friends and family, but man, does it burn when it's from someone you don't know. I feel like I'm in the extreme minority that would actually laugh out loud if someone I'd just met/didn't know pulled one of these dadjokes in public. I feel like I'd immediately befriend that person, but my experience so far has been looks where it seems people just go, "Yeah... definitely not talking to that guy."
We were pulling a trailer and it looked like rain. He put a tarp over our cargo, and...
Husband: "I really hope that tarp stays attached. I'm kinda worried because it's frayed."
Me: "What's it 'fraid of?"
Did you hear how the named Canada? Someone was pulling letters out of a hat...
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