“So, the US is pulling out of the war right? Like, we don’t care about their fighting anymore?”
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.
So the man goes over and says “I’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”
The other man says “Mffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”
The first man says “What?”
The other man spits something into his hand and says “I said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
I am pulling my hair out to think of that R & B singer who opens doors
Did you ever hear that they named Canada pulling letters out of a hat?
The person drawing them said, "C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?"
My friend is so proud that he finally got a waterbed with sliding boxes opened by pulling out and closed by pushing in...
Now he can wake up and jump straight into his drawers!
While pulling into a parking lot my wife noticed a car with a reverse light out.
Our friend in the back seat was a dad for a short while. All I heard her say was "I guess only half of the car is backing up."
I'm so proud of her.
In a bar a man kept pulling something out of his pocket and then asking for another drink. After 2 or 3 hours of this the bartender was curious and asked what he kept looking at after each drink.
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
Why did the Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
I don't get why people say "pulling out" is ineffective?
I found articles saying it was actually a very popular misconception.
As we were pulling out of our driveway and I was adjusting the mirrors, I said to my wife, "It's important to remember, there's side view, rear view and you know what else?"
Happened a few mornings ago when pulling out the drive way.
I noticed a bird on top of our trash can tweeting away. i told my wife that he was talking trash.
Sherlock and Watson arrived on the scene of a murder and the only clue was a measuring tape pulled out to exactly 12 inches.
Apparently something was afoot.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"
Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.
Guess you could say that it was a close shave
I'm so furious about my postmans route that I pull my hair out
I call it mail pattern baldness
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
What did the pretzel say when it was pulled out of the oven?
Are you gonna pull it all the way out?
7 year old my wife babysits just pulled out a dad joke...
While playing with our 5 year old son and discussing Ninjas and Lego Ninjago...
7 Year Old: I know what kind of shoes Ninjas wear....
5 Year Old: What kind?
7 Year Old: Sneakers
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician?
Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said “thanks, you’re a lifesaver!”
The first one responded “actually I’m a KitKat”
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
During my first ultrasound, the nurse pulled out the device that goes inside, and put a condom on it.
My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."
Actual, horribly painful dad joke.
When my mom was in labor, my head got stuck in her, and the midwife had to pull me out.
That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.
Why did Christopher Columbus pull a bunch of Swiss chard out of the ocean?
He wanted to be in uncharded waters.
A real life dad joke.
My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.
Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"
I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"
I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
So a frog walks into a bank
So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"
Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"
Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"
"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket
Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager
Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"
The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
Why did the bored man pull his money out of the bank?
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin’ Terry
What did the Great Deku Tree tell Link when he couldn't pull out the master sword?
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
I like to keep a photo of the Sun on my phone. When people ask me if I have any kids, I start telling 'em about my son and how bright he is. I then pull out the phone to show them the photo.
My dad pulled this one out after I said "we want oak floors"
I had a cop draw a gun on me once
He just pulled out a sharpie and started drawing all over me. I could not for the life of me figure out why, but it was very unprofessional
I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
Did you hear how the named Canada? Someone was pulling letters out of a hat...
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said “thanks, you’re a lifesaver!”
The first one responded “actually I’m a KitKat”
Two wafers fell into a vat of chocolate. The first one pulled the second one out...
The second one said “thanks, you’re a lifesaver!”
The first one responded “actually I’m a KitKat”
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