I asked my grandpa, “How are you enjoying the new stair lift?”
Grandpa: I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.
I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
My black belt friend had to put lifts in his shoes...
...adding insoles to ninjary.
Chris Ubank just advised me to shop lift some kitchen utensils
He said, if I wanted to make it big, I would have to take some whisks.
I was driving and I saw a packet of crisps and I asked “want a lift?”
They said “no thanks we’re walkers”
What does a dad say at the lift?
Have you heard of Darth Vader's wife, she's always reliable and lifting people up when their down
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?
Because they aren't stroganoff
The lift is from a company named Schindler...so it’s Schindler’s Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindler’s List? My head is spinning
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
I've always hated stair lifts..
They really drive me up the wall.
My opinion on lifts...
They have their ups and downs
My brother had to quit his job as a weightlifter because he wasn't strong enough.
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
Who can X-Men and circus performers call to lift their large vehicles?
I asked my grandfather how he’s enjoying the new stair lift that was recently installed in his house.
He said, “I hate it. It’s driving me up the wall.”
Me: My wife injured herself lifting a brick reservoir above her head three days ago.
Coworker: How is she today?
Me: She's still holding up well.
Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?
It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'
She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?
My hotel elevator. Schindler’s Lift
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Dad joke
What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
U.C.L.A...
Can't wait for this travel ban to lift. Prague would be my number one choice..
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Why didnt Captain America lift Thor’s hammer untill he needed to?
He didn’t want to steal his thunder
The lift is the best part of a roller coaster
The rest is mostly downhill
I’m deathly afraid of elevators
So I take steps to avoid them
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
Edit: Wow! Went to bed, went to work, checked this post, and holy hell did it blow up! Thanks for the awards, funny add-one and dad jokes! This sub is awesome!
Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on so many levels
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.
They've decided to call it hella sore.
What’s the difference between Albert Einstein and a guy that breaks wind inside a lift?
Einstein is a smart fella and the guy is.........
a fart smella.
I saw a crane fly yesterday
I thought cranes were supposed to lift things
Whats a zombies favorite work out?
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk
Him:* lifts gallon * done
Her: no from the store
Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too
I asked my grandpa, "How are you enjoying the new stair lift?"
Grandpa: It has it's ups and downs
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.
That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.
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