If you eat beef, you automatically become accountable...
Because you’re now a steakholder
Sheepdog: All 40 sheep are accounted for, boss. Farmer: But I only had 39?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know, but I rounded them up!
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.
You know why they call it a checking account?
Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.
To whoever stole my microsoft account, I will find you...
What do all new Reddit Accounts have in common with the new MacBook Air?
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
What is an accountant's favourite season?
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
Why are accountants scared to go outside?
Because it's accrual world out there.
I thought getting a bank account would be boring
but I've slowly gained interest
When Biden pressed Trump about his Chinese bank account, Trump admitted...
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
I purchased $1000 in Bose stock today
My accountant said it would be a sound investment.
I started a twitter account devoted to non-sequitors but had to shut it down
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
My 15 year old told me he set up an IRA account. I said “Are you kidding me?”
He said “No, I’m adulting you.”
Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
Accountant: what is your gross income?
My dad: there's no need to insult my income like that.
What do you call someone who doesn't have an account?
An accountant (account'nt)
I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account
I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it
It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or ugly because.....
At the end of the day it's evening
What's the drug that changes your voice?
I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes
Did you hear about the animals that shared an Amazon account?
The Apple Store was just robbed...
The thieves were easily idefinied from all of the iWitness accounts
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.
These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.
I went to the bank teller and told him I wanted to change banks and open an account.
Man: No problem Sir. What’s the name of your previous bank?
Me: Piggy.
It is a very little known fact that Boy George has an anonymous Reddit account
You might say he is a karma chameleon
When you are in charge of the twitter account during national battery day
If Post Malone died and his instagram account posted a picture of him to commemorate his death, then Post Malone would be posting a Malone post-Malone.
Why do accountants sleep so well at night?
I had to freeze my accounts today.
This account is gold @lackinhumor
I changed my password to “Careful Baggage Handler” for my login account.
It said it is supposed to be case sensitive.
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry...
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
When I used beef stew as my password, my account wouldn’t let me.
Apparently it’s not stronganoff.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
They just couldn’t budget
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
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