Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
Someone asked about extra credit.
Professor: "I'm sorry I don't give extra credit in this class"
Me: "yeah but do you give extra debit?"
I interrupted the conversation and said "you mean the acCOWntants?"
This was over a month ago and I still proudly think about that joke.
B.A. BarAbacus
Czechs and balances.
My reply: "He must be cooking the books."
She just stared at me...
Finance was his principal interest.
>Do you know where the smartest and most reasonable people work? > At the US mint, because all they do is make cents!
I thought it was over and then two minutes further into the lecture.... >Do you know where else really smart and reasonable people work? > At a perfume factory! All they do is make scents!
Now I am just sitting here posting this and trying to think of more puns...
...where everybody counts.
Me: Man, it's a great feeling to hand in these tax returns I've been sitting on for a week.
Him: I usually just put them on my desk.
Someone brings up Instagram in class.
"I married my husband, and he already had grandchildren."
"I guess that makes me an Instagram!"
I was doing some accounting homework when...
Me: What is the acid test ratio?
Dad: States what the acid test ratio is.
Me: Thanks, I should have known that.
Dad: it's okay it's not basic knowledge.
What's your net worth
He worked it out with a pencil.
He couldn’t budget so he worked it out with a pencil
Because they love to spread sheet!
No shit Sherlock?
I've always had a lack of interest.
Tax-is
They were Prime mates.
I can only do panic.
Because you’re now a steakholder
Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.
The attackers killed the duke's son, knocking him from the battlements with a peasant's severed head fired from a trebuchet.
It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.
From Twitter.
Sheepdog: Yeah I know, but I rounded them up!
Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.
You have my word.
Not a single fan.
Because it's accrual world out there.
A Civil Serpent.
...she was an LPN.
We had a Don't Bother Checking account.
My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.
Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.
For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.
My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").
We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."
We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.
My pillow only had one side.
Repossession was 9/10 of the law.
Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.
Our scotch tape was scots-irish.
(I'm allowed)
My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.
One year Santa had to bring stockings.
The next year he filled them with nooses.
I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.
Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.
but I've slowly gained interest
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
It’s a balancing act
No followers.
He said “No, I’m adulting you.”
What do you call two monkeys that share and Amazon account?
"At the U.S. mint because all they do all day is make cents"
....what a knee slapper
He worked it out with a pencil!
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a pencil.
Tax-is.
They were Prime mates.
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.
They just couldn’t budget
You have my Word.
