Recital Puns

I told him not to fret.

Me: I hope there is a lot of ado.

Wife: Huh?

MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado....

Me: Shit.

It was a little rusty.

(Most of the rock on Mars has iron in it, and it's oxidized over the millenia, so it's rusty, which is why it's red.)

Dad: Probably the clarinet.

.....the mammothematician.

They said no Minor allowed here . ..

Knight after Knight.

My wife says I need to do something about Tolkien in my sleep.

A drama-dery

I now pronounce U man and wife.

He sadly died at c

It’s a piece of cake.

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."

Me: Sometimes. Why?

It's a Haiku coo clock.

He always got lost at "c".

I torah a new one.

The man’s performance was universal.

Now none of those places will invite me back.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Three mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the other two got away with minor injuries.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS

Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?

Because there's a Shortstop in between!

Going over the alphabet with my 3 year old and he asks "What's after Z?"

"What's after Z? Well, it's Now."

"Now?"

"Now I know my ABCs..."

"Not funny."

My wife groaned, and my 6 year old shook his head.

Algy and the Bear, a poem recited in Ziegfeld Follies by Red Skelton using his J. Newton Numbskull character:

>Algy saw a bear,
The bear saw Algy,
The bear was bulgy,
The bulge was Algy!

is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, orate, recite or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Me: “Stryper, or Wyld Stallyns?”

Her: https://i.imgur.com/R4IXWbX.jpg

He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"

Mum: Shut up and go away!

Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?

Dad: 180!!

Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?

Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!

Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?

Brother: driving my little red car.

Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.

Teacher: whats the first letter?

Kid: Shut up and go away!!

Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT

Kid: 180!!

Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN

Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?

Kid: Driving my little red car

I know the English alphabet has 26 letters. When I try to recite it I can only think of 25, but I can't remember why...

The Englishman and Cowboy were tied in a contest of who was better, when the crowd decided that, as a tie breaker, they were to perform a live poem and incorporate the words "Hunting" and "Timbuktu."

The Englishman went first:

"The hunting is always grand, When in search of good land. Off in the caravan we pursue, Looking, for Timbuktu."

The crowd went wild, knowing that the cowboy couldn't win the contest, the Englishmans poem was just too good. He smiled as well, and stood aside for the cowboy.

The cowboy paused for a moment as if remembering something, then recited:

"Well it was Tim and I, off huntin we went, When I spied three women in a tent. I motioned to Tim, and he saw them too, Then I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

There was no pie... only people reciting pi from memory. The pie was a lie

My little sister was getting ready for her ballet recital and she went over to my dad to ask him how her tutu looked. He said "Your tutu looks great, but when are you going to graduate to a threethree, or a fourfour?"

The very best ones can cause people to experience physical pain merely by reciting them.

(Not technically a pun, so also note that a good pun is its own reword.)

For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server "Oh table #?? said they were picking this up for us tonight", to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir.

Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly "Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight". Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, "thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16!"

Jokes on me! But it made for a great night of laugh at dad.

Edit - "demeanor" - where the frick was auto correct on that one. thx Enders!

After a piano recital my mom and dad start talking about me being a role model Mom: you know, all these younger kids really look up to him when he plays Dad: well of course, he is taller Mom: ... Dad: ohh how do I do it every day

I saw a music recital at school and a trombone trio came up. There were two members named Sam and in the middle of the trio was a man named Miles. Miles said the group's name was "A Miles Samwich."

My professor was talking about how people need to practice their monologues around others not just themselves.

Professor: You need to practice these everywhere. Recite it to your family, your friends, your dog, even your refrigerator!

Me: I don't know about that one, my fridge can be pretty cold at times.

My sister posted about loving my little ponies, and we got on the topic of rainbow horse poop jokes. My dad just pops in with this:

Dad - I can't think of one right now. I do, however, have a poem that is somewhat related: (first assume standard high-class poetry recitation position; head high, chest out, hands clasped behind back, heels together, toes @ 180 degrees, knees slightly bent): "In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented; they left their load beside the road, and went away contented."

...with the caveat that they have to use the words "liver" and "cheese" in their pickup line.

The Russian walks up to her and proudly recites: "My liver aches for you like it does for vodka, and my heart is incomplete like gruyere cheese". Crickets. The girl is a bit confused but is impressed with the guy's large biceps and full beard.

The Brit walks over to her and stammers: "I will tease your fancy with a sliver of cheese and liver". Nonsensical, but his accent did the trick. The girl blushes slightly.

The Mexican guy sees his opportunity and loudly yells: "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"