You know why they call it a checking account?

Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/storytime239
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
To whoever stole my microsoft account, I will find you...

You have my word.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_NotSlimShady
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought getting a bank account would be boring

but I've slowly gained interest

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When Biden pressed Trump about his Chinese bank account, Trump admitted...

I lost Yuan

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
His account is full of these @scottdropandroll v.redd.it/stz3s13lksh51
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pwwafwl6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:

Son: β€œI hate crumbs.”

Me: β€œThat’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”

Son: β€œWell I don’t want to eat them.”

Me: β€œAnd they don’t want to eat you.”

Son: β€œCrumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”

Me: β€œWhat if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”

Son: β€œAnd I’d say you’re ducking weird.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a twitter account devoted to non-sequitors but had to shut it down

No followers.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My 15 year old told me he set up an IRA account. I said β€œAre you kidding me?”

He said β€œNo, I’m adulting you.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendaryBroku
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire

It’s a balancing act

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.

You have my Word.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Willow-wolliW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account

I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UniBiPoly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes

I call it my hedge fund

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkippyDingleCha1k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the animals that shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime-mates!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.

These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the bank teller and told him I wanted to change banks and open an account.

Man: No problem Sir. What’s the name of your previous bank?

Me: Piggy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
It is a very little known fact that Boy George has an anonymous Reddit account

You might say he is a karma chameleon

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/harlienx900
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report
When you are in charge of the twitter account during national battery day
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DidrikNL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If Post Malone died and his instagram account posted a picture of him to commemorate his death, then Post Malone would be posting a Malone post-Malone.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OystersDryLancers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I changed my password to β€œCareful Baggage Handler” for my login account.

It said it is supposed to be case sensitive.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
This account is gold @lackinhumor
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hicxs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to freeze my accounts today.
πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yehyajb9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
When I used beef stew as my password, my account wouldn’t let me.

Apparently it’s not stronganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattBatz1991
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?

An artificial Swedener

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/good_old_jrmint
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call two monkeys sharing an amazon account?

Prime-mates

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SebastianLi1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Why is my bank account like a personals ad?

When I click on it there are fewer singles than I expected.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Me and my friend opened a bank account to save up for drugs

Is it a 'joint' account.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vinanthbharadwaj
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
The S/O let me know we’d made 4 cents in our mutual account...
πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat

Just ignore it, it’s spam.

πŸ‘︎ 279
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomocusack
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Bank account
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
🚨︎ report
YouTube’s founder Twitter account:

1,920 Following 1,080 Followers

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Register your account
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/you_buy_this_shit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I opened a new bank account on the phone. Everything was done by protocall.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atanasA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Demonic possession is just hacking someone's irl account

Remember, never tell anyone your soulcial security number

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Evanlyn_Winter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.

He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.

πŸ‘︎ 268
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rc538
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a social media account a while back.

I regreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RetroKev1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

They’re prime-mates

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcorrado99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My first hand account at getting dad joke'd.

I was working nightshift at McDonalds and a dad and his son wanted some ice cream, chocolate, specifically. The machine wasnt acting right so I interjected and said, "the chocolate ice cream works, it's just acting funny" and the dad swoops in and asks, "does it tell jokes?

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KyhberLovesMemes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Grandpa just got a Reddit account!

He wanted to find out how Carmel works

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeatForHire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were prime-mates

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I made an account called β€œhalf of all life” just for this pun
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1dioticidiot
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I think my Ex is using my Amazon Prime Account..

I can't really accuse her, but she is the prime suspect.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_By_Pun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
When you open a bank account it's paused

That's why you gotta de-pause it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arm3tt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

πŸ‘︎ 126
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SubzeroMeltdown
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sixfootninja
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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