I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
You know why they call it a checking account?
Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.
To whoever stole my microsoft account, I will find you...
What do all new Reddit Accounts have in common with the new MacBook Air?
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
I thought getting a bank account would be boring
but I've slowly gained interest
When Biden pressed Trump about his Chinese bank account, Trump admitted...
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
I started a twitter account devoted to non-sequitors but had to shut it down
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
My 15 year old told me he set up an IRA account. I said “Are you kidding me?”
He said “No, I’m adulting you.”
What do you call someone who doesn't have an account?
An accountant (account'nt)
I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account
I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it
I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes
Did you hear about the animals that shared an Amazon account?
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.
These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.
I went to the bank teller and told him I wanted to change banks and open an account.
Man: No problem Sir. What’s the name of your previous bank?
Me: Piggy.
It is a very little known fact that Boy George has an anonymous Reddit account
You might say he is a karma chameleon
When you are in charge of the twitter account during national battery day
If Post Malone died and his instagram account posted a picture of him to commemorate his death, then Post Malone would be posting a Malone post-Malone.
I changed my password to “Careful Baggage Handler” for my login account.
It said it is supposed to be case sensitive.
This account is gold @lackinhumor
I had to freeze my accounts today.
When I used beef stew as my password, my account wouldn’t let me.
Apparently it’s not stronganoff.
I made this joke on my old account but I got a new phone so ima say it again... What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden?
Me and my friend opened a bank account to save up for drugs
What do you call two monkeys sharing an amazon account?
Why is my bank account like a personals ad?
When I click on it there are fewer singles than I expected.
The S/O let me know we’d made 4 cents in our mutual account...
My Reddit account has been hacked. If anyone gets a message from me about meat
Just ignore it, it’s spam.
YouTube’s founder Twitter account:
1,920 Following 1,080 Followers
Today I opened a new bank account on the phone. Everything was done by protocall.
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
Demonic possession is just hacking someone's irl account
Remember, never tell anyone your soulcial security number
I got a social media account a while back.
My first hand account at getting dad joke'd.
I was working nightshift at McDonalds and a dad and his son wanted some ice cream, chocolate, specifically. The machine wasnt acting right so I interjected and said, "the chocolate ice cream works, it's just acting funny" and the dad swoops in and asks, "does it tell jokes?
Grandpa just got a Reddit account!
He wanted to find out how Carmel works
When you open a bank account it's paused
That's why you gotta de-pause it.
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Did you hear about the two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
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