Started a job at an accounting apprenticeship office... took me an unreasonably long time to get the pun in their slogan
In college, I double-majored in accounting and dentistry...
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
I just dad joked my accounting professor and made her cry from laughing.
Someone asked about extra credit.
Professor: "I'm sorry I don't give extra credit in this class"
Me: "yeah but do you give extra debit?"
At work talking about an accounting firm that does the books for some dairy farms...
I interrupted the conversation and said "you mean the acCOWntants?"
This was over a month ago and I still proudly think about that joke.
What would you call Mr. T if he worked in Accounting?
What do you call a Slavic governments accounting department?
Saw a car late last night pulling into a business for "Restaurant Accounting", wife asked what he was doing there so late.
My reply: "He must be cooking the books."
She just stared at me...
Did you hear about the man with a passion for accounting?
Finance was his principal interest.
Listening to an accounting lecture when the professor drops some dad puns...
>Do you know where the smartest and most reasonable people work?
>
At the US mint, because all they do is make cents!
I thought it was over and then two minutes further into the lecture....
>Do you know where else really smart and reasonable people work?
>
At a perfume factory! All they do is make scents!
Now I am just sitting here posting this and trying to think of more puns...
Welcome to the accounting department...
...where everybody counts.
Dad jokes at an accounting firm
Me: Man, it's a great feeling to hand in these tax returns I've been sitting on for a week.
Him: I usually just put them on my desk.
This was said by my female accounting professor tonight, but it definitely belongs here.
Someone brings up Instagram in class.
"I married my husband, and he already had grandchildren."
"I guess that makes me an Instagram!"
Dad helped with accounting homework
I was doing some accounting homework when...
Me: What is the acid test ratio?
Dad: States what the acid test ratio is.
Me: Thanks, I should have known that.
Dad: it's okay it's not basic knowledge.
Twitter account of the My Pillow guy has been suspended.
If he sues, is this a pillow case? Or a sham?
If you eat beef, you automatically become accountable...
Because you’re now a steakholder
Sheepdog: All 40 sheep are accounted for, boss. Farmer: But I only had 39?
Sheepdog: Yeah I know, but I rounded them up!
I just downloaded the new app which will evaluate you bank account and tell you which Apple product you can afford. Turns out I can afford,
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil.
You know why they call it a checking account?
Cause I’m always checking to see if there’s money.
To whoever stole my microsoft account, I will find you...
What do all new Reddit Accounts have in common with the new MacBook Air?
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
What is an accountant's favourite season?
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
Why are accountants scared to go outside?
Because it's accrual world out there.
I thought getting a bank account would be boring
but I've slowly gained interest
Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
I started a twitter account devoted to non-sequitors but had to shut it down
For my next performance I will sort out my checking account while on a high wire
My 15 year old told me he set up an IRA account. I said “Are you kidding me?”
He said “No, I’m adulting you.”
Accountant: what is your gross income?
My dad: there's no need to insult my income like that.
What do you call someone who doesn't have an account?
An accountant (account'nt)
What do you call a bee dressed up as a ghost?
Steven, he works in Accounting.
I saw $50,000 mysteriously put into my bank account
I want no trouble, so I decided to leave it where I found it
It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or ugly because.....
At the end of the day it's evening
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He worked it out with a calculator.
What's the drug that changes your voice?
The Apple Store was just robbed...
The thieves were easily idefinied from all of the iWitness accounts
I created a bank account dedicated entirely to buying and maintaining bushes
Did you hear about the animals that shared an Amazon account?
There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.
These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.
I went to the bank teller and told him I wanted to change banks and open an account.
Man: No problem Sir. What’s the name of your previous bank?
Me: Piggy.
It is a very little known fact that Boy George has an anonymous Reddit account
You might say he is a karma chameleon
When you are in charge of the twitter account during national battery day
If Post Malone died and his instagram account posted a picture of him to commemorate his death, then Post Malone would be posting a Malone post-Malone.
Why do accountants sleep so well at night?
My accounting professor asked us "Do you know where the smartest people in America work?"
"At the U.S. mint because all they do all day is make cents"
....what a knee slapper
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
They just couldn’t budget
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
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