I started volunteering for an organization that builds housing for large sea creatures.
It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees.
For my birthday in mid-January, I invited a few friends over to a highly populated urban residential area consisting mostly of closely packed, decrepit housing units inhabited primarily by impoverished persons.
It's my first slum-brrrr party so wish us luck!
The housing market is really pumped up these days
What did the dad say when he passed the new housing subdivision?
"That's an interesting development"
As we drive past a new housing community called Firefox.
I bet they get really tired when updates start popping up.
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...
But Bill kept the Windows
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house
He did every other thing on the list
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your house calmly.
Because communication is the key.
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down
What did the Mexican say when a house fell over him?
I started a ship building business inside my house
Sails are through the roof
I spent a lot of time, money and effort child-proofing my house.
But the kids still get in.
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
My kid said the house is so cold.
I told him to go stand in the corner to warm up. It's 90 degrees.
I’ll be honest, I don’t trust the stairs in my house.
They’re up to something...
Somebody broke into my house and only stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot.
I don't know how they sleep at night.
I live next to the rubbish dump and have a huge fly problem, the bloody things are everywhere. It's gotten so bad I've decided to sell my house and move...
A White House Staffer Almost Walked in on Press Secretary Jen Psaki using the restroom.
I finished childproofing the house
But they still manage to get back in.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
How does an Eskimo build his house ?
I have finished childproofing my home but I didn't do a good job.
My kids are still able to get in the house.
Why couldn't the pasta get into his house?
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...
I heard business is boo-ming
My housemates are convinced the house is haunted
I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.
My house is haunted by a muscular ghost. I finally managed to communicate him him. I asked him how he got so muscular.
I guess you can say Santa gives kids gifts... ON THE HOUSE
It's an Archie Bunker! I built a replica of the All in the Family house INSIDE a giant basement in the Sims 4.
reddit.com/gallery/mv4w82
I told my dad that home births have skyrocketed since corona; he was confused.
He thought homes were built, not born.
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.
My house got broken into the other day and now I can't get to my bedroom upstairs.
When they left, the burglars took the stairs.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender “1 for me, and 1 for the road”
I told my roommate that I did chores around the house even through I didn't. 'Are you lying?!" he said.
I replied, "I guess I need to come clean..."
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.
It was the list I could do
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
A bunch of ravens and crows keep gathering outside my house but I don’t mind
I love a good murder conspiracy
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
Do you think jugglers who live in houses with low ceilings...
What do you call Detective Sherlock without a house
There’s a giant fly in the house!
What kind of house can you pick up?
A lighthouse
From my 7 year old.
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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