I started volunteering for an organization that builds housing for large sea creatures.

It's called Habitat for Huge Manatees.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
The housing market is really pumped up these days
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mynameisseanm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the dad say when he passed the new housing subdivision?

"That's an interesting development"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2017
🚨︎ report
As we drive past a new housing community called Firefox.

I bet they get really tired when updates start popping up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lrnrae
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2014
🚨︎ report
Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...

But Bill kept the Windows

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScubaPride
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house

He did every other thing on the list

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down

But it was arson

πŸ‘︎ 930
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My kid said the house is so cold.

I told him to go stand in the corner to warm up. It's 90 degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bagabus
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Awesome deal
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GQveracity
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The trees around the house are starting to bud. I said to my wife, "Honey, do you know what happens when the trees leaf out?"

A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"

"Very SHADY things."

It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuberDuky009
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ll be honest, I don’t trust the stairs in my house.

They’re up to something...

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Somebody broke into my house and only stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot.

I don't know how they sleep at night.

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I finished childproofing the house

But they still manage to get back in.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

..... oof !!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
How does an Eskimo build his house ?

Igloos it together.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I have finished childproofing my home but I didn't do a good job.

My kids are still able to get in the house.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't the pasta get into his house?

He had Gno-cchi

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vegasman20002
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
They opened a haunted house at my local theme park...

I heard business is boo-ming

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My house is haunted by a muscular ghost. I finally managed to communicate him him. I asked him how he got so muscular.

He replied, "Deadlifts."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

A dress

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I guess you can say Santa gives kids gifts... ON THE HOUSE
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/One-Angry-Goose
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My housemates are convinced the house is haunted

I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimalexp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my dad that home births have skyrocketed since corona; he was confused.

He thought homes were built, not born.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeoriginalAlias
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
It's an Archie Bunker! I built a replica of the All in the Family house INSIDE a giant basement in the Sims 4. reddit.com/gallery/mv4w82
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/K80Bot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My house got broken into the other day and now I can't get to my bedroom upstairs.

When they left, the burglars took the stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoMoreDays
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.

Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moose_Winchester
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt

The man says to the bartender β€œ1 for me, and 1 for the road”

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
When I married my wife, I made a list of all the chores I knew how to do to help out in the house.

It was the list I could do

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A burglar broke into my house and I pushed my bookcase on top of him.

It was shelf defense.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course. Houses can’t jump.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Former-Ad-6897
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A bunch of ravens and crows keep gathering outside my house but I don’t mind

I love a good murder conspiracy

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you think jugglers who live in houses with low ceilings...

Have lofty dreams?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call Detective Sherlock without a house

Sherlock Homeless

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vannsh007
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
There’s a giant fly in the house!

Call the SWAT team!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my wife if she cleans and does the dishes I’ll sweep the whole house. She thinks that isn’t fair...

Just because I bought a Roomba

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snoandsk88
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What do houses eat if their breath stinks?

Apartments

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicoli0525
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of house can you pick up?

A lighthouse

From my 7 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Who snuck into the 3 Polar bears’ house?

Coldilocks

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Summer_Spring
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My house has one really big window.

It's a huge pane to clean.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2040009
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw my neighbor leave her house to get bread...

A few months later, she came back and there was a bun in her oven.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mo11001
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Bob Dylan didn't seem surprised when a boulder fell off a mountain on top of his house.

He calmly said it was just like a rolling stone.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
The other day a cowboy stopped by our house and asked my Dad if he could help him round up 18 cows.

"Sure thing, pardner. That's 20 cows," says Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the egg say to the house party?

Omelette!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicoli0525
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...

"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a house wear?

Address.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCraay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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