My 6 year old gave occupations to the Planters Mixed Nuts.

Cashews are bankers.

Peanuts are urologists.

And Chestnuts are plastic surgeons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inspire_me_please
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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What's the occupation that has the most likely hood of putting people in the hospital?

A paramedic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sknabnotloc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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How does a baker with siblings for parents describe his occupation?

β€œI’m in bread”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbrasky43
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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β€ͺWhich occupation is the safest these days?‬

Stay-at-home dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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A door to door salesman knocked on my door and before I could say anything he said, "A person's regular occupation, profession, or trade..."

Just from the first sentence, I knew he meant business.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prototype273
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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What was the person who made clothes as an occupation's favorite musician?

Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ResidentReward
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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How did the florist win the competition for best occupation?

He rose above the rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dalek2653
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Angela Merkel is at passport control at a Greek airport. When reviewing her passport, the officer asks-β€œoccupation?”

She replies- β€œNien! This time, ve are only here for za day!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theJarlAli
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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What is the best occupation for a dog?

A woofer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obsoleteocelot
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: β€œOccupation?” The German replies:

β€œNo, just a holiday.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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What's your occupation, and how's it going?

Librarian.

It's hard to have a social life. I'm always booked

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kernooches
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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A revolutionary new way of cutting carbon emissions, shortcuts under hills that can only be used by cars with more than 2 occupants

I call it Carpool Tunnel

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raymonator88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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An armed robber bursts into a store one day.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts β€œhand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: β€œWhat do we do?”

Cashier 2: β€œDo what he says, I think he means business!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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This building has more occupancy than most

https://i.reddituploads.com/44eb2dd5c0dc46278edbe7e6366eb8e7?fit=max&h=1536&w=1536&s=467b8dd3adb448a3795d78348f23a3f5

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinland
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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A German man gets pulled over for speeding in France...

The officer asks β€œOccupation?” The man replies β€œno just visiting”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Michigan029
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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I've started working as a waiter.

The pay isn't much, but at least I can put food on the table.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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Help, I need a pun!

My sister is writing an essay about objectification in pornography, supporting the actresses because they chose their career, and she needs a witty title. Any ideas?

Ninja Edit: Best we could come up with was "Porn This Way."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clawtooth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2012
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My parents moved into the house today

So my parents got their occupancy permit, and my dad said "you should pick up a bottle of champagne on the way so your mother and you can celebrate!" I said "I'll bring a bag of bread, so we can have a toast"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeine_bos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Alexander the Great at an airport

"Name?" "Alexander." "Occupation?" "No, sightseeing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
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I was laid off today.

Don't worry, it's an occupational hazard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaduane
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Got my desk-mate today...

We moved desks on Monday and today I found a working highlighter which the previous occupant had left under mine. My colleague groaned when I told him it was 'the highlight of my day'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeldaFan812
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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I stayed in Australia for a while and was rewarded with the ultimate Dad story

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not β€” when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.

I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though β€” Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems β€” so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.

Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L1AM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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A couple of my dad's infamous sayings

Whenever someone comes into the house my dad asks

"Hey, ______, can I get you a drink or something to eat? I can open up a can of ribs." My dad thinks this is hilarious and usually ends up cracking himself up while our guest just stands there nervously laughing from confusion. It's a Woody Allen quote btw.

Another one is whenever someone asks what his occupation is: "Philanthropist"

"Really?"

"Yea. But I'm not a very good one"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/insertnamehere255
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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I made up a real groaner today, so of course I had to tell my son.

One day at a US immigration office, a man walked in seeking citizenship. The desk clerk began the usual questioning: "name, occupation, country of origin"? The man replied, " Juan Martinez, illusionist, Mexico".

During the process Juan made small talk and displayed his talent as an illusionist. The clerk found him to be a charming, funny, and charismatic man, which put the normally grouchy clerk in a great mood!

The clerk was so enamored by Juan, he let him skip the formalities and allowed him straight into the US.

After Juan left, a coworker asked the clerk why he would allow a man to just walk in to the US. To which the clerk responded...

"For once in my long career working in immigration, I was truly amazed and entertained by a potential citizen, so I decided to waive a magic Juan"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/churnplunger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
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[Request] Need dad-quality puns!

Hello fathers and fellow lovers of dadjokes! I am in need of your collective wit. You see, my friends did not get the hint that it was a bad idea to do this last time, and yet have foolishly asked me to house sit for them again. I've decided to prank them again (because I'm a wonderful friend), and this time I am turning their house into a house of puns. I need puns I can practically make. Here are a couple examples:

"While you guys were out I think your milk went bad..." draw on milk carton a bandanna, scruff, and a gun tucked into its logo

Move any of their jars in front of their bedroom door.

A map starting from their router.

Things like that. They have a pool, two labs, but otherwise have a pretty standard living arrangement. However, I don't want to mess with their computers as their occupations have some sensitive materials on them.

I struggled with what sub to reach out too with this post, so thank you all who reddit. You're fantastic folk, the lot of you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ser_Capelli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
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Pat Sajak just dadjoked a contestant

Contestant was unable to solve the last puzzle:

_ _ T I C I _ _ (Occupation)

As the answer is revealed, Pat says:

OPTICIAN... You didn't see that coming, huh?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idrinkwisky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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The vicious cycle continues.....

First and foremost, this is my first actual reddit post (been a lurker for some time now). Anyways, onto the dad jokes. Recently as I have been getting older, it's becoming more and more apparent that I am doomed to inheritance of the typical dad jokes, especially my dad's favorites. Many a time now have I passed a graveyard in the car, asking any occupants, "you see that place over there? people are dying to get in". cue groans and stifled giggles But what about dad rage? Something his grandfather used to say, and he has said, and now I say....road rage makes for the weirdest rages. "Get out, put it on a string and pull it behind you". Yes, I have said that. I AM DOOMED REDDIT. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMadMandalorian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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