A door to door salesman knocked on my door and before I could say anything he said, "A person's regular occupation, profession, or trade..."

Just from the first sentence, I knew he meant business.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prototype273
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
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β€ͺWhich occupation is the safest these days?‬

Stay-at-home dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 04
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What occupation requires you to be good at shaking and critisizing moods?

A Vibe Rater.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JunBunKim
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
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What was the person who made clothes as an occupation's favorite musician?

Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ResidentReward
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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How did the florist win the competition for best occupation?

He rose above the rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dalek2653
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Angela Merkel is at passport control at a Greek airport. When reviewing her passport, the officer asks-β€œoccupation?”

She replies- β€œNien! This time, ve are only here for za day!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theJarlAli
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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What is the best occupation for a dog?

A woofer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obsoleteocelot
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: β€œOccupation?” The German replies:

β€œNo, just a holiday.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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What's your occupation, and how's it going?

Librarian.

It's hard to have a social life. I'm always booked

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kernooches
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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A revolutionary new way of cutting carbon emissions, shortcuts under hills that can only be used by cars with more than 2 occupants

I call it Carpool Tunnel

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raymonator88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
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Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?

Because all the fans left.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bazander04
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
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This building has more occupancy than most

https://i.reddituploads.com/44eb2dd5c0dc46278edbe7e6366eb8e7?fit=max&h=1536&w=1536&s=467b8dd3adb448a3795d78348f23a3f5

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πŸ‘€︎ u/penguinland
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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A German man gets pulled over for speeding in France...

The officer asks β€œOccupation?” The man replies β€œno just visiting”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Michigan029
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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I've started working as a waiter.

The pay isn't much, but at least I can put food on the table.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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My parents moved into the house today

So my parents got their occupancy permit, and my dad said "you should pick up a bottle of champagne on the way so your mother and you can celebrate!" I said "I'll bring a bag of bread, so we can have a toast"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caffeine_bos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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I was laid off today.

Don't worry, it's an occupational hazard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaduane
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Help, I need a pun!

My sister is writing an essay about objectification in pornography, supporting the actresses because they chose their career, and she needs a witty title. Any ideas?

Ninja Edit: Best we could come up with was "Porn This Way."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clawtooth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2012
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Alexander the Great at an airport

"Name?" "Alexander." "Occupation?" "No, sightseeing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
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Got my desk-mate today...

We moved desks on Monday and today I found a working highlighter which the previous occupant had left under mine. My colleague groaned when I told him it was 'the highlight of my day'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZeldaFan812
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
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I stayed in Australia for a while and was rewarded with the ultimate Dad story

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not β€” when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L1AM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
🚨︎ report
A couple of my dad's infamous sayings

Whenever someone comes into the house my dad asks

"Hey, ______, can I get you a drink or something to eat? I can open up a can of ribs." My dad thinks this is hilarious and usually ends up cracking himself up while our guest just stands there nervously laughing from confusion. It's a Woody Allen quote btw.

Another one is whenever someone asks what his occupation is: "Philanthropist"

"Really?"

"Yea. But I'm not a very good one"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/insertnamehere255
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2015
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I made up a real groaner today, so of course I had to tell my son.

One day at a US immigration office, a man walked in seeking citizenship. The desk clerk began the usual questioning: "name, occupation, country of origin"? The man replied, " Juan Martinez, illusionist, Mexico".

During the process Juan made small talk and displayed his talent as an illusionist. The clerk found him to be a charming, funny, and charismatic man, which put the normally grouchy clerk in a great mood!

The clerk was so enamored by Juan, he let him skip the formalities and allowed him straight into the US.

After Juan left, a coworker asked the clerk why he would allow a man to just walk in to the US. To which the clerk responded...

"For once in my long career working in immigration, I was truly amazed and entertained by a potential citizen, so I decided to waive a magic Juan"!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/churnplunger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
🚨︎ report
[Request] Need dad-quality puns!

Hello fathers and fellow lovers of dadjokes! I am in need of your collective wit. You see, my friends did not get the hint that it was a bad idea to do this last time, and yet have foolishly asked me to house sit for them again. I've decided to prank them again (because I'm a wonderful friend), and this time I am turning their house into a house of puns. I need puns I can practically make. Here are a couple examples:

"While you guys were out I think your milk went bad..." draw on milk carton a bandanna, scruff, and a gun tucked into its logo

Move any of their jars in front of their bedroom door.

A map starting from their router.

Things like that. They have a pool, two labs, but otherwise have a pretty standard living arrangement. However, I don't want to mess with their computers as their occupations have some sensitive materials on them.

I struggled with what sub to reach out too with this post, so thank you all who reddit. You're fantastic folk, the lot of you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ser_Capelli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Pat Sajak just dadjoked a contestant

Contestant was unable to solve the last puzzle:

_ _ T I C I _ _ (Occupation)

As the answer is revealed, Pat says:

OPTICIAN... You didn't see that coming, huh?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idrinkwisky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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The vicious cycle continues.....

First and foremost, this is my first actual reddit post (been a lurker for some time now). Anyways, onto the dad jokes. Recently as I have been getting older, it's becoming more and more apparent that I am doomed to inheritance of the typical dad jokes, especially my dad's favorites. Many a time now have I passed a graveyard in the car, asking any occupants, "you see that place over there? people are dying to get in". cue groans and stifled giggles But what about dad rage? Something his grandfather used to say, and he has said, and now I say....road rage makes for the weirdest rages. "Get out, put it on a string and pull it behind you". Yes, I have said that. I AM DOOMED REDDIT. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMadMandalorian
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
🚨︎ report

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