I asked the librarian if books about paranoia were available.

She looked up and whispered, "They're right behind you".

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.

Nice touch.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tombsing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Viagra is now available in a teabag format. It doesn't improve your performance...

....but it stops your biscuit from getting soft..

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the most current Samsung that is presently available?

Samsings

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When I worked at the Haunted Mansion, a guest once asked me if we had any beer available.

I said, "No. We only have spirits here."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCPStudios
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Shows about food are no longer available on cable tv.

You can only get them on dish.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
They only had size of shirt available at the psychic convention.

Turns out they're mediums.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDave78
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido................

.............. But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend showed me his plan to get and drink a frozen carbonated beverage available in fruit and soda flavors.

"Icee!" I exclaimed exuberantly.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Evaporated water, available on PC.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imshreyash123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of doctor is always available on-call?

An oncologist.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
We should thank people ensuring essential services are available to us in this crisis

A pandemic without dem would lead to Panic

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkKnight_Jedi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
There's now a scholarship available to Contemporary Christian Music students.

It's called an "Amy" Grant.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife is she was using the ps3 charging cable

She said it was CURRENT-ly available.

I laughed my ass off. She didn’t get it. I explained. Got a dirty look.

.... worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Project-SBC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I once knew a guy whose entire career was based around rating the best ceilings for different houses. Ever day he researched the available options and what was best and worst about them.

He was a ceiling fan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother applied for a pet store job and when they asked when are you available to work he said right Meow
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noose22
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....

Available balance: $9.11

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grit1963
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.

I said I'd check my colander.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
To people with ADHD,

do you know when it will be available in 4k?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DystopianBoredom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
PRO TIP: The biggest myth about travel is "packing light" - don't bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diok22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy came to apply for a job at my ski resort but suddenly walked off angrily...

All I said was "there's snow jobs available."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Request for help remembering a joke

Hello,

I am requesting help with remembering a joke. Posts of this type did not seem to be against the subreddit's rules, but if I am in error, please let me know and delete my post.

Anyway, here is what I remember of the joke:

It is movie themed and it says something like this: "There should be a post-apocalyptic zombie movie with a romantic comedy element. Then we would have the world's first rom-com-zom-dom-bomb." The only thing is that I forget what the "dom" was supposed to mean and whether or not there is more to this joke, either in the set-up or the punchline. I googled it to no avail. Any help is appreciated.

Thank you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ontoforever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
When turntables first became available people were fascinated by them

They were revolutionary.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Turns out that new Call of Duty brand frames are available through LensCrafters' website!

Press F to pay for specs.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dachannien
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What makes puppets so available?

They're always on hand.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call it if the new Kia car models aren't available anymore?

Kia shortage

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toofgib
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I need to know when everyone is available for a family meeting in the kitchen.

I looked at the family colander, but it was hit or miss.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatMoloko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Is Morgan available?

Yeah,he is a Freeman

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sklova
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
🚨︎ report
A dad asked his wife what sort of food would be available at the venue the family was visiting.

She said, "Fries and shit."

"So... poo-tine?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P4rtyP3nguin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Man-made Asteroid Belt. Astronomical scale pun, now available on earth. jasonruane.com/index.php/…
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/username-root
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Wanted to go and buy a used smartwatch

But there's no second hand available.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grmblfijx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The Coffin Joke

Three brothers are trick or treating near a shady house. Suddenly, a spider appears on the first brothers arm causing him to scream in shock. This causes the second brother to run away in fear only to get hit over the head by a dead tree branch. The third brother tries to escape but trips over a coffin. Filled with fright, the three brothers decide to go back home before they are stopped by a ghost that informs them, β€œThe items you have encountered today will kill you in exactly 20 years.” and vanishes into thin air. Understandably, the three brothers were terrified out of their wits and ran back to their house.

20 years later on Halloween, the first brother has booby trapped and spider-proofed his entire house. Unfortunately, he accidently runs into a wall causing a black widow to fall on his arm and killing him.

The second brother has prepared for many years and made sure that he was nowhere near any trees. However, he somehow miscalculated by one day and was killed when a lightning bolt struck a tree causing it to fall and crush him.

The third brother completely forgot about the ghost’s warning and was having dinner with his wife. His allergies were really acting up that night, so he decided to go to a pharmacy to purchase some allergy medicine. Suddenly, without any warning, the entire store goes dark and a giant coffin appears in front of him, opens up, and starts moving towards him. Remembering his frightful Halloween over 20 years ago, the brother starts desperately throwing everything in sight towards the coffin but to no avail. Now there is nothing else left other than a lone bottle of NyQuil. In one last brave attempt, the brother throws the bottle of NyQuil at the coffin and it miraculously vanishes.

Because NyQuil keeps the coffin’ away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schosple-collopis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter's teacher told her class that flying cars are going to be available next year...

And apparently, it's true:

http://money.cnn.com/2015/05/18/luxury/flying-cars-aeromobil/

So my daughter has been talking nonstop about them and how she wants me to get one.

I told her I don't think they'll ever take off.

She kept talking...I guess my joke went over her head...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkstalker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Other ice cream desserts are available.

Whenever there were ice cream sundaes dessert menu and it was a cute waitress, when asked to choose, Dad would say, "Show us your knickerbockers!"

I've tried this now I'm an old dad but I'm just 40 years too late.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
🚨︎ report
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men

A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball.

Man: God damnit, I missed.

A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again

Man: Damnit, I missed again!

Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell.

The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail.

Man: God fucking damnit!

The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."

πŸ‘︎ 419
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroYo10101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I got a callback about being in a head banging music video. The caller said

Would pecker be available?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jspittman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Lost skunk

A mother skunk had two baby skunks. She named them In and Out. Mother skunk sent her two babies out to play so In and Out both went outside. At supper time Mother skunk called for In and Out to come in. Out skunk came in but In was no where to be found. Mother skunk sent Out back out to find In but to no avail. Out came back in to tell Mother In could not be found. Mother skunk went out and found In almost immediately. How did she do it........ Instinct.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbiiggdd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
They just made a documentary on paper.

It’s available on paper view at most hotels.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichieKYT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad died in 2004, we still get calls for him at times.

this happened a few years ago. It's about my dad and something my dad would have laughed hard at.

phone rings I pick up

me: Hello

TeleMarketer: Hello is Mr ThrashandBurn's Dad available?

Me: ahhhh no he isn't

TM: do you know a better way to reach him?

with out hesitation

ME: Not unless you got a shovel.

I could hear him holding back his laugh wile trying to give his condolences.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrashAndBurn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Free Willy

My 9 year old daughter upon seeing the movie Free Willy available on Netflix: Dad, what's Free Willy about?

Me: Freeing Willy

The look she gave me about made me want to to die hahaha.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ackamaracus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
The next Disney+ project, is a Star Wars/ Back to the Future crossover. Deer Brown gets a bounty hunter to stay in the car.

That way, they'll always have the Manned Delorean available.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked the librarian if books on paranoia were available.

She look up and whispered, β€œThey’re right behind you.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KarateKid84Fan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of doctor is always available?

An on-call-ogist

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emmyemememem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Which doctor is always available?

The oncologist!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/criffo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
🚨︎ report

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