Handy
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrokenCrow782
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Might come in handy
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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Handy title
πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoulDraw
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
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I was whipping up some pesto when I realized I was out of an herb to add flavor. Luckily, my son's guitar was handy....

I was able to add some bass-il to my tasty sauce.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Use your handy dandy hands.
πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ici_cle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what they say, β€œIf you’re not handsome, at least be handy.”

Unfortunately for me, I’m neither.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tru-Queer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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That costume might come in handy some day
πŸ‘︎ 483
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πŸ‘€︎ u/urnypoo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Handy
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emotional_Plenty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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Sign language is quite handy.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumpkimstew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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I am convinced that my friend helped someone steal one of my gloves.

He definitely had a hand in it.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Everyone should learn sign language.

It's very handy.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kremata
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do choirs keep buckets handy?

So they can carry their tune

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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I'm in hospital and a man just told his elderly mum to use the rail, because its HANDy.. dad jokes on his own mother
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiwibornaussie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
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I got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead.

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Paper plates are so handy!
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cju1ce
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My type of cup
πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shpritzer1
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Knowing the measurement from the tip of your thumb to the tip of your pinky finger is pretty handy.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Kfrey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I think I'll try to be handy but only some of the time

so I can finally call myself Handsome.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peepeeopi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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Handy.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnivore1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
I like having opposable thumbs.

They're very handy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweet_chick283
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to learn sign language.

It's a handy way to communicate.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Title

Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"

Mum: "That's a handy skill"

Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toothpik556
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a doctors office. β€œWhat seems to be the problem?” Asks the doc. β€œIt’s... um... well... i have five penises.” Replies the man. β€œBlimey!” Says the doctor, β€œhow do your trousers fit?” β€œLike a glove.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SvenTranslator
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Overheard this handy-dandy dad joke in the supermarket...

I was cruising through the meat section and a nearby married couple were checking out some lamb shoulders that were on special. The mum picks up a roast, inspects it and deposits it in their trolley where she then notices the package had leaked a bit.

"Oh!" She says. "I've got a bloody hand!"

"You've always had two bloody hands," jokes the dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DAT_CANKLE
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
🚨︎ report
The Story of Jefferson Handy

There once was a golfer named Jefferson Handy. He was a decent golfer, even better considering that he was unable to stand for more than a few minutes without intense pain. Due to his affliction, Jeffrey was always spotted a few strokes on the course. Anyway, Jeffrey was always known for a smile on his face and his cabby hat he wore for good luck. One day, while on the 7th green, a lady appeared from one of the water traps and told him she would grant him any wish, but at a price. He said sure, and asked to be able to stand again. She granted him his wish, but for payment, she took his hat. And that's the story of the lost Handy Cap.

> I want to apologize to everyone today. These terrible jokes have been coming to me all morning and I can't turn it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2016
🚨︎ report
Some puns that could come in Handy. pun.yougetcake.com/Hand.h…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWhaleMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report
I was testing a lock which opens with a fingerprint, and trying to see how many fingerprints I could store. I've been able to store 10 fingerprints without issue

Because that's all I had on hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SyStRm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought of a good word to describe my hands yesterday.

Which was handy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What cat is good at DIY and brightens up the garden?

A handy-lion

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Sign language is really handy
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Sign language really comes in handy
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprice-3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do choirs keep buckets handy?

So they can carry their tune

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
10/10 people say sign language is handy
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ifunniest23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2018
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Most people told me learning sign language was a waste of time

But I find it to be a pretty handy skill

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ham-cum-rewritten
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Palm oil is quite a handy thing to have around the house
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5dfa5h
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I know a few jokes in sign language

It’s always good to have a few jokes handy

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ttttteefhuyhttfff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I had found a handy parking spot

But they had capped it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therandomsinger13
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m glad I know sign language...

...it’s become real handy

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RapiDMillionairE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Telekinesis is not a handy skill.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxwellSinclair
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm not a dad yet, but I'm practicing for when I am (should be in about 20 years)

Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"

Mum: "That's a handy skill"

Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toothpik556
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Handy baking tip.

If there's one thing I know about baking, it's never ask a gangster to ice the cake.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SBNC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
🚨︎ report
I'm really glad , I know sign language

It's pretty handy

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HahaNotSoFunnycom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What I like about glove jokes

Is that they always come in handy

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eorst
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
We were at the aquarium. All dads in the vicinity made the same joke.....

There was a man cleaning a tank but all you could see was his hand. My dad leans to me and says "look! It's a rare hand fish."

The dad next to us with his two kids said "look everyone? Do you see the hand fish? That ones my favorite."

As we walked a way another family walked up and I heard their dad say "here we have the hand fish."

Edit: I told my dad about the response this is getting, to which he replied "Wow. Is it going viral? Should I call my doctor?" (Keep in mind he doesn't know how the internet works.)

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
🚨︎ report

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