I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
ποΈ 93
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οΈ Sep 18 2020
I tried to catch a handful of steam
ποΈ 16
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οΈ Oct 13 2020
My kids are such a handful I donβt think one nanny is enough
ποΈ 6
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οΈ Nov 11 2020
I brought back a handful of change from my trip to Japan...
I have a real Yen for it.
ποΈ 2
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οΈ Oct 27 2020
Check out this handful of doe
ποΈ 50
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οΈ Jan 03 2019
I put a handful of ants down my pants the other day
It was a bit of an anti-climax
ποΈ 5
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οΈ Feb 09 2020
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday...
They have deep sedimental value to me.
ποΈ 57
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οΈ Mar 21 2019
A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
> They suspected fowl play.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?
> A poultrygeist!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
> To prove he wasnβt a chicken!
What key wonβt open any door?
> A turkey!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?
> Goblet.
Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?
> A poul-tree.
What happens when youβre too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
>They turn into blueberries.
What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?
> Plymouth.
ποΈ 221
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οΈ Nov 14 2017
Handful of marine statistics
3,14% of every sailors are Οrates.
ποΈ 11
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οΈ May 17 2017
Only a handful of people get to be astronauts...
...and everyone else is an astro-not.
ποΈ 13
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οΈ Nov 27 2015
"You can only invite a handful of people to your party."
"How many people can I fit in a hand, though?"
Pulled on my mom.
ποΈ 3
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οΈ Jan 14 2015
My step-sister gave my father and I a handful of candy today
He replied, "Thanks, you're a lifesaver."
ποΈ 2
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οΈ Jan 11 2015
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
ποΈ 2k
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οΈ Apr 28 2021
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
ποΈ 1k
π
οΈ Mar 09 2021
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
ποΈ 356
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οΈ Mar 10 2021
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.
ποΈ 23
π
οΈ Apr 22 2021
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
ποΈ 28
π
οΈ Apr 17 2021
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?
ποΈ 156
π
οΈ Mar 10 2021
I just chopped my left hand.
ποΈ 4
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οΈ Apr 26 2021
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
ποΈ 480
π
οΈ Mar 14 2021
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
ποΈ 6
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οΈ Apr 20 2021
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
ποΈ 20
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οΈ Apr 26 2021
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
ποΈ 24
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οΈ Apr 24 2021
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
ποΈ 17
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οΈ Apr 13 2021
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
ποΈ 11
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οΈ Apr 25 2021
Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?
ποΈ 3
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οΈ May 01 2021
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
ποΈ 24
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οΈ Mar 07 2021
Handing this off to r/historymemes for a Belgian Congo comment chain
ποΈ 13
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οΈ Mar 27 2021
Dude 1: Hey bro Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you hand me that pamphlet?
ποΈ 48
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οΈ Apr 09 2021
Why your hand cant be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
ποΈ 24
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οΈ Apr 16 2021
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
ποΈ 4
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οΈ Apr 22 2021
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.
Hes quite the whisk taker
ποΈ 75
π
οΈ Mar 07 2021
Research shows that left handed people waste more food than right handed people
Otherwise, rightovers would be a word.
ποΈ 17
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οΈ Mar 30 2021
Budweiser harvest(?)
ποΈ 5k
π
οΈ Mar 29 2021
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...
Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.
ποΈ 28
π
οΈ Apr 01 2021
why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
ποΈ 31
π
οΈ Mar 02 2021
Bear Hands
ποΈ 18
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οΈ Mar 01 2021
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
ποΈ 1k
π
οΈ Apr 20 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
ποΈ 11k
π
οΈ Mar 19 2021
The wizard in my campaign just got handed a whole bunch of random, unlabeled Sesame Street videos.
He's going to learn how to count or spell.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Mar 28 2021
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
ποΈ 6
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οΈ Mar 06 2021
You gotta hand it to dwarves...
...because, sometimes they can't reach.
ποΈ 32
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οΈ Feb 28 2021
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
ποΈ 14
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οΈ Mar 06 2021
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.
Iβm struggling to grasp the importance of this.
ποΈ 12
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οΈ Feb 24 2021
I handed my son his pencil, he said "that's my number 2"
I asked him "where's your number 1?"
He said "in the toilet"
I'm so proud!
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ Mar 11 2021
My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.
"No, son, they're extinct."
ποΈ 84
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οΈ Feb 22 2021
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
ποΈ 12
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οΈ Mar 02 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
ποΈ 195
π
οΈ Dec 17 2020
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
ποΈ 12k
π
οΈ Mar 10 2021
How many bones are in a hand?
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Mar 09 2021
You really have to hand it to short people
Because they can't reach it themselves
ποΈ 10
π
οΈ Mar 06 2021
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster!
As seen on Gab.
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Nov 30 2016
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
ποΈ 159
π
οΈ Mar 11 2021
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,
"You know, 1 would have been fine"
ποΈ 174
π
οΈ Mar 19 2021
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Mar 11 2021
Dude 1: βHey bro?β Dude 2: βYeah bro?β Dude 1: βCan you hand me that pamphlet?β
ποΈ 16k
π
οΈ Sep 25 2020
Guess what my Dad said when I handed him his 55th birthday card
He said βThanks Son, but one would be enoughβ
ποΈ 21
π
οΈ Mar 21 2021
Which hand do you wipe with?
'Cause, I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper.
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Mar 25 2021
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