I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I tried to catch a handful of steam
My kids are such a handful I don’t think one nanny is enough
I brought back a handful of change from my trip to Japan...
I have a real Yen for it.
Check out this handful of doe
I put a handful of ants down my pants the other day
It was a bit of an anti-climax
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday...
They have deep sedimental value to me.
A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
> They suspected fowl play.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?
> A poultrygeist!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
> To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
What key won’t open any door?
> A turkey!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?
Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?
> A poul-tree.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
>They turn into blueberries.
What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?
Handful of marine statistics
3,14% of every sailors are πrates.
Only a handful of people get to be astronauts...
...and everyone else is an astro-not.
"You can only invite a handful of people to your party."
"How many people can I fit in a hand, though?"
Pulled on my mom.
My step-sister gave my father and I a handful of candy today
He replied, "Thanks, you're a lifesaver."
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?
I just chopped my left hand.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away
I just had two paws for a moment
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,
Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
Handing this off to r/historymemes for a Belgian Congo comment chain
Dude 1: Hey bro Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you hand me that pamphlet?
Why your hand cant be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?
Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.
Hes quite the whisk taker
Research shows that left handed people waste more food than right handed people
Otherwise, rightovers would be a word.
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...
Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.
why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
The wizard in my campaign just got handed a whole bunch of random, unlabeled Sesame Street videos.
He's going to learn how to count or spell.
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
You gotta hand it to dwarves...
...because, sometimes they can't reach.
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.
I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this.
I handed my son his pencil, he said "that's my number 2"
I asked him "where's your number 1?"
He said "in the toilet"
I'm so proud!
My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.
"No, son, they're extinct."
I like to hold hands at the movies.
Which always seems to startle strangers.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
How many bones are in a hand?
You really have to hand it to short people
Because they can't reach it themselves
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster!
As seen on Gab.
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,
"You know, 1 would have been fine"
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?” Dude 2: “Yeah bro?” Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Guess what my Dad said when I handed him his 55th birthday card
He said “Thanks Son, but one would be enough”
Which hand do you wipe with?
'Cause, I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper.