I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to catch a handful of steam

But I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vaultboy65
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids are such a handful I don’t think one nanny is enough

I need au pair

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I brought back a handful of change from my trip to Japan...

I have a real Yen for it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Check out this handful of doe
πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaulHammer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I put a handful of ants down my pants the other day

It was a bit of an anti-climax

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4wwn4h
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday...

They have deep sedimental value to me.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KillJokeWhoosh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.

Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.

What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.

πŸ‘︎ 221
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taylordprints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Handful of marine statistics

3,14% of every sailors are Ο€rates.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Only a handful of people get to be astronauts...

...and everyone else is an astro-not.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vostradamus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
🚨︎ report
"You can only invite a handful of people to your party."

"How many people can I fit in a hand, though?"

Pulled on my mom.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Someone-Else-Else
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
🚨︎ report
My step-sister gave my father and I a handful of candy today

He replied, "Thanks, you're a lifesaver."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HDogg1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
🚨︎ report
From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?

My hand.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..

..this isn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 356
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.

"Use the fork, Luke."

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bmstile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss walked into my office this morning and handed me a brochure on anger management.

I just lost it.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?

You get a hand shake.

πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I just chopped my left hand.

My right hand is left

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/romeo_rocks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...

"You know, one would have been enough."

πŸ‘︎ 480
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
american schools are some of the only places you can have first hand experiences with Quadrilaterals and quad-collaterals
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blahblorb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my future father-in-law for his daughter's hand in marriage.

He said I hope you take the rest of her too!!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Just a moment ago, my hands began to convulse, my fingernails turned into sharp talons, my palms became thick, hairy, and tough. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and the feeling went away

I just had two paws for a moment

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...

but it does give me paws.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends call me weird, but on the other hand,

There's 5 fingers

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Did that man in the Bible really leave his sense of sight in the hands of one person claiming to be the son of God?

Talk about blind faith

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eagleboy444
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NationYell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Handing this off to r/historymemes for a Belgian Congo comment chain
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocking963v2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: Hey bro Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you hand me that pamphlet?

Dude 2: Brochure

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iNeedHealing24_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Why your hand cant be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ewpx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad, why did they cut off people's hands for theft in the past?

Hmm. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think they just wanted them to hand something back.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SleepOrderDis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.

Hes quite the whisk taker

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Research shows that left handed people waste more food than right handed people

Otherwise, rightovers would be a word.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Budweiser harvest(?)
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not a romantic gesture...

Maybe, they just want each other to shut the fcuk up.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

They are dead.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Bear Hands
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...

It's night.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aptom_4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
The wizard in my campaign just got handed a whole bunch of random, unlabeled Sesame Street videos.

He's going to learn how to count or spell.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tambalajus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
You gotta hand it to dwarves...

...because, sometimes they can't reach.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...

It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kcflds
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.

I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/attemptednotknown
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I handed my son his pencil, he said "that's my number 2"

I asked him "where's your number 1?"

He said "in the toilet"

I'm so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XandrosUM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.

"No, son, they're extinct."

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

πŸ‘︎ 195
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
How many bones are in a hand?

A handfull.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0rreborre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
You really have to hand it to short people

Because they can't reach it themselves

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/High_on_Strife
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster!

As seen on Gab.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?

You get a handshake

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_biggyeeeet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,

"You know, 1 would have been fine"

πŸ‘︎ 174
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItMeGatoradeMan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a Hand Shake!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Guess what my Dad said when I handed him his 55th birthday card

He said β€œThanks Son, but one would be enough”

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenman2359
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Which hand do you wipe with?

'Cause, I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.