I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to catch a handful of steam

But I mist.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vaultboy65
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids are such a handful I don’t think one nanny is enough

I need au pair

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Check out this handful of doe
πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePaulHammer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I put a handful of ants down my pants the other day

It was a bit of an anti-climax

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4wwn4h
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday...

They have deep sedimental value to me.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KillJokeWhoosh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.

Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.

What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.

πŸ‘︎ 224
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taylordprints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Handful of marine statistics

3,14% of every sailors are Ο€rates.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Only a handful of people get to be astronauts...

...and everyone else is an astro-not.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vostradamus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
🚨︎ report
"You can only invite a handful of people to your party."

"How many people can I fit in a hand, though?"

Pulled on my mom.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Someone-Else-Else
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
🚨︎ report
My step-sister gave my father and I a handful of candy today

He replied, "Thanks, you're a lifesaver."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HDogg1414
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
🚨︎ report
What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?

My hand.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..

..this isn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 353
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...

"You know, one would have been enough."

πŸ‘︎ 473
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?

You get a hand shake.

πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I've got too much thyme on my hand.
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NationYell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a friend that steals hand-held kitchen tools in broad daylight.

Hes quite the whisk taker

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/masesarkidd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

They are dead.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"

She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Bear Hands
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
In Soviet union you were not allowed to write with your left hand. That isn't right!
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tambalajus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...

It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kcflds
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
You gotta hand it to dwarves...

...because, sometimes they can't reach.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I handed my son his pencil, he said "that's my number 2"

I asked him "where's your number 1?"

He said "in the toilet"

I'm so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XandrosUM
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Which hand do you wipe with?

'Cause, I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.

I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/attemptednotknown
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked me if a T-Rex could clap its hands.

"No, son, they're extinct."

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beej2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
You really have to hand it to short people

Because they can't reach it themselves

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/High_on_Strife
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

πŸ‘︎ 194
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
So anyways the barista Taylor goes to hand me my drink....

And I said "thanks a latte."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Choiceofart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do people in N/A stand in circles and hold hands???

Because they dont do Lines anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trippin-mellon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
How many bones are in a hand?

A handfull.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0rreborre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought β€œThis isn’t for me.”

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
If your dog shakes hands with your enemy, has he committed a foe paw?
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't Barbarians keep their hands off their axes?

All that cleavage.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irorii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A blind man was handed a job offer but he denied it.

He said he isn't looking forward to work with them.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeHL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I just called GameStop Customer Service...

They asked me to please Hold. πŸ’ŽπŸ€²

πŸ‘︎ 19k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/myfourthuser04
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
You know, you have to hand it...

to blind prostitutes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ASpaceOstrich
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Marriage is like a hand grenade....

Remove the ring and the house is gone.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
An Italian man loses his hands from bike accident. What did his parents ask the doctor?

β€œWill my son able to speak again?”

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elver-Galarga7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.

Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turkyman3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My Grandad always used to say β€˜many hands make light work’

Awesome Grandad, rubbish Electrician

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
By buddies and I were drinking beer and cracking jokes, but things started to get out of hand.

It was quite the brew-haha.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
If killing a man is homicide

is killing a friend homiecide

πŸ‘︎ 246
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/k1ll1ngtime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Guys, I have been thinking about selling my Theremin.

I haven't touched it in years.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTaminus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the undisputed ruler of all hand tools?

The awl mighty.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stablefish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Went to GameStop to use the bathroom, but it was out of order...

I guess I have to keep holding it.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster!

As seen on Gab.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?

You get a handshake

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_biggyeeeet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
As I handed my dad his 53rd birthday card, he said,

"You know, 1 would have been fine"

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItMeGatoradeMan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a Hand Shake!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Guess what my Dad said when I handed him his 55th birthday card

He said β€œThanks Son, but one would be enough”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenman2359
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
You really got to hand it to short people...

Mainly because they can't reach it themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B3A5TxM0DE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report

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