Every summer I get bit by one thousand and twenty four bugs.

My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosDragoon89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export.

And import.

πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ewriella
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I love social media, I can offend thousands of people all at once...

Back in my day, I had to do it one at a time.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a thousand times better than Instagram?

Instakilogram.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MolecularPotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL: A thousand years ago, a group of Russian explorers tried to sail into Alaska, but failed.

They couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...

WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
An ice cream man was found unconscious in his van today, covered in chocolate sprinkles, hundreds and thousands, raspberry sauce, caramel & nuts.

Police believe he tried to top himself.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
For a thousand bucks I'll teach you how to make things levitate

No strings attached

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tackdetsamma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What starts with β€œP”, ends with β€œE”, and has thousands of letters?

the Post Office

πŸ‘︎ 276
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pandacoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Thousand Island?
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrShaunce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/always-paranoid
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking news: Irish officials have reported that a passenger 747 has crashed into a Belfast cemetery. Investigators have discovered over ten thousand dead bodies at the scene. One local witness at a nearby pub claimed it was a Guinness record.

To be sure. I’ll let myself out.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/greggy_rabs
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Thousand Island say to the refrigerator?

Hey, close the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.

To which I said, β€œThat doesn’t make cents.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/High_Speed_Chase
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Psych-Demon
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I picture is worth a thousand groans (found on FB)
πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quietmerch64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Sting’s studio was broken into, thousands of dollars worth of gear stolen

Now the Police have no leads.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/great_red_dragon
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I think there are a thousand baseball fields in the US...

But that's just a ballpark number.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gothbear_66
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I made myself a turkey sandwich for lunch with pepperjack and thousand island. It wasn't quite a reuben...

...but I would say it was rubenesque.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nahnprophet
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...

...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/____okay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I just burned like a thousand calories....

It turns out pizzas are very good fire starters for arson.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrEggsBenedicr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Viagra worth thousands of dollars was stolen from the pharmacy yesterday.

They are looking for hardened criminals.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Funchaloe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A "helen" could be used as a measurement of beauty, defined as a face that could launch a thousand ships. However, one should not use a "millihelen" to mean that a face could only launch one ship...

...because you shouldn't put metric prefixes on Troy units.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Making a sign for work. Any puns for thousand island dressing?
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know Caesar had a ranch on the thousand islands in north America?

I don't know why he called it a ranch they only grew lettuce.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
🚨︎ report
If i toad you once i toad you a thousand times
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Leelicious97531
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A picture's worth a thousand words

Especially if it's a picture of a book.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StupidBunnyBoy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A thousand dollars for a new Apple monitor holder?

Now that's grandstanding.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/titanroller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call getting thousands of upvotes not 1 second after posting?

Instant Karma

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Griffintowers101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today...

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother-in-law always wanted to visit the Valley of a Thousand Hills, so I've booked her trip -

a week on each hill.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Thousands of people were fighting in the streets

The news said it was a sad situation.

I thought it was a riot.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/googonite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the β€œbrilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.

To my surprise he shrugged and said sure.

On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers.

β€œDaaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears.

Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said β€œWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkHonnor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids are so obsessed with the lizard from the movie Tangled, we have over a thousand figures of it around the house...

Let me tell you keeping track of a kilo of Pascals is a lot of pressure

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I just finished reading β€œTwenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”

The entire novel was a sub-plot.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know they made a video game about the Simpsons’ bus driver stealing a thousand bucks?
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garboooge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Thousands of crows were driving south for the winter

Traffic was murder

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sam_e5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Archaeologists have discovered an oil stain that might be more than a thousand years old.

It is Ancient Grease.

πŸ‘︎ 222
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a thousand rabbits jump backwards?

A receding hare line

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/countryfir891
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanna hear a joke worth a thousand bucks !!?

K

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
🚨︎ report
A picture says a thousand words.
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dankmonseiur69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
The inventor of fairy bread passed away yesterday. Hundreds and thousands attended his funeral.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s chief export.

And import.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Thousands of years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export.

And import.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s main export.

And then import.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL: A thousand years ago, the boomerang was Australia’s only export.

And import.

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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