Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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When I won the grand prize at cemetery, I knew exactly what it was.

It was a dead giveaway.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".

He was a great man but a terrible Fireman

πŸ‘︎ 319
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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A woman starting a hike at the Grand Canyon asked me how the trail was as I reached the top

I said β€œit’s all downhill from here!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATexanHobbit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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How did Bill Cosby describe the massive earthquake in the Grand Canyon?

β€œThere was a schism in the chasm.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haaskivi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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What does someone with a boner obsession call the French Grand Prix

Circuit Paul Dickhard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlfaRomeoFanatic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Which is the grand master of nuts?

The chess-nut.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Did you hear about the grand reopening of the Lego Store?

It was huge. People were lined up for blocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnAverageParodist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I was just asked about the name of the song written by Ida Corr and Fedde Le Grand

Let Me Think About It

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josh2807
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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Take a stand, a grand stand.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Can you name 3 places in Scotland that are also the names of Grand Prix winning racing drivers?
  1. (Lewis) Hamilton

  2. Stirling (Moss)

  3. Ayr Town Centre!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Apparently the Grand Prix in Melbourne is going to be cancelled

A member of the McLaren team has tested positive for the carowner virus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heykody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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Why don't they have as many used organs at Goodwill as used baby grand pianos?

It's hard to find organ donors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JasonInNJ
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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Grand-dad jokes

My daughter looking at disney princesses: whos thay

Me: thats Ariel

Grand-dad: i didnt know they named princesses after antennas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianNutButter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Grand theft bakery
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysNorth_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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I love to tell Grand Dad jokes

They're 1,000 times funnier than regular dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AerialSnack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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A local fast food joint had a grand opening with a fireworks display...

There were lots of Sonic booms that night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Marriage is grand!

But a divorce is 10 grand

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExpertAccident
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I messaged my grand dad a picture of a dog underwater wearing a scuba suit...

I told him I thought he might need a subwoofer. He then responded, "That's deep." How do I respond so I don't lose this battle?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeOldeStonebox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Every. Single. Grand Prix.

Dad: What's his name, Niki...?

Me: Lauda

Dad: WHAT'S HIS NAME, NIKI...?

Sometimes I'll say it first and this has been going on for about 20 years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TemperRory
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2014
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My Grand Pa tells the worst jokes but this is his best.

Grand Pa: What does Mr. Potato Head and Cuba have in common?

Me:expecting the worstWhat's that.....

Grand Pa: They both have a dictator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WarlockRock11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2016
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Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant

Pho Getaboutit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nayrevad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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I wrote a poem about the Grand Canyon.

It was deep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_LumberZack_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Not so much a Dd joke, more a Grand-Dad joke.

When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.

After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".

He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.

Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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What's the name of Lokis more grand and pompous brother?

Highki

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IBombPanda
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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I did an essay about Arizona and the Grand Canyon.

My teacher only wanted the cliff notes though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.

But not twice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Though I have never been to the Grand Canyon, I want to go!

I hear it's absolutely gorges!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Wife and I are at my son’s yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand master’s name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, he’s not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks I’m damaged in some way.
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it "Rary" as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in. As they look over the edge, the mother comments:

It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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I threw a record into the Grand Canyon

The distance it fell was record breaking

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingAstronamy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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β€œGrand”dad joke: What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?

A Platterpuss

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HardKnox47
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost

Guess you can't win the mall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mastersword83
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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The Highlight of my Grand Fathers day is

Walking into a room and remembering why he's there !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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I handcraft these books for your Perfect Shot, so you can have a truly Grand Slam
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miskatonica
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
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I don’t care what all the SJW say, Winnie Harlow giving the checkered flag early at the Canadian Grand Prix absolutely was...

...a race issue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
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Just went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon and my pops got dadjoked by another dad while we were there.

We were taking pictures of the amazing views from the south rim of the canyon and my family wanted a picture with everyone in it. We all line up and my dad taps an older gentleman on the shoulder to take our picture:

My dad: "Hey, can you take our picture?"

Random dad: With a disgusted face he says, "No, I don't want a picture of you people." And walks off.

He took about 5 steps before turning around, laughing to himself, and snapped a great pic of my family. My dad later remarked, "that was a good one."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/konvictkarl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report
I had the best Grand Slam breakfast I've ever had at a Denny's this morning.

They really knocked it out of the park.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Grand dad joke.

My grandpa would always tell me this story about his uncles in WWII. "My uncle was actually captured by the Germans and kept in a pow camp. They would try to break the prisoners spirit by making them to mindless things. One in particular they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.' My uncle was always a wise guy so he would rebel in the simplest way. He would only go, 'tick tick tick.' One day the guard finally caught him and said, 'don't vorry. Ve have vays of making you tock.'"

πŸ‘︎ 284
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfdancer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the crowds at the grand opening of the new Lego store?

People were lined up for blocks

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CurGeorge8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Marriage is grand

Divorce is a hundred grand

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cpm10682
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Isn’t the Grand Canyon..

Just gorges.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/priv_rex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you read while at the Grand Canyon?

Cliff notes.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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Isn’t the Grand Canyon..

Just gorges.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/priv_rex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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