Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
When I won the grand prize at cemetery, I knew exactly what it was.
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︎ Jan 16 2021
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
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︎ Oct 16 2020
A woman starting a hike at the Grand Canyon asked me how the trail was as I reached the top
I said βitβs all downhill from here!β
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︎ Nov 16 2020
How did Bill Cosby describe the massive earthquake in the Grand Canyon?
βThere was a schism in the chasm.β
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︎ Oct 31 2020
What does someone with a boner obsession call the French Grand Prix
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︎ Oct 30 2020
Which is the grand master of nuts?
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︎ Oct 04 2020
Did you hear about the grand reopening of the Lego Store?
It was huge. People were lined up for blocks.
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︎ Sep 10 2020
I was just asked about the name of the song written by Ida Corr and Fedde Le Grand
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︎ Sep 20 2020
Take a stand, a grand stand.
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︎ Jun 05 2019
Can you name 3 places in Scotland that are also the names of Grand Prix winning racing drivers?
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(Lewis) Hamilton
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Stirling (Moss)
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Ayr Town Centre!!!
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︎ May 18 2020
Apparently the Grand Prix in Melbourne is going to be cancelled
A member of the McLaren team has tested positive for the carowner virus
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︎ Mar 12 2020
Why don't they have as many used organs at Goodwill as used baby grand pianos?
It's hard to find organ donors.
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︎ Jan 27 2020
Grand-dad jokes
My daughter looking at disney princesses: whos thay
Me: thats Ariel
Grand-dad: i didnt know they named princesses after antennas
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︎ Dec 23 2019
Grand theft bakery
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︎ Aug 14 2019
I love to tell Grand Dad jokes
They're 1,000 times funnier than regular dad jokes.
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︎ Sep 06 2019
A local fast food joint had a grand opening with a fireworks display...
There were lots of Sonic booms that night.
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︎ Nov 23 2019
Marriage is grand!
But a divorce is 10 grand
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︎ Oct 06 2019
I messaged my grand dad a picture of a dog underwater wearing a scuba suit...
I told him I thought he might need a subwoofer.
He then responded, "That's deep." How do I respond so I don't lose this battle?!
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︎ Aug 15 2019
Every. Single. Grand Prix.
Dad: What's his name, Niki...?
Me: Lauda
Dad: WHAT'S HIS NAME, NIKI...?
Sometimes I'll say it first and this has been going on for about 20 years.
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︎ Oct 12 2014
My Grand Pa tells the worst jokes but this is his best.
Grand Pa: What does Mr. Potato Head and Cuba have in common?
Me:expecting the worstWhat's that.....
Grand Pa: They both have a dictator.
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︎ Jan 06 2016
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
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︎ Oct 20 2018
I wrote a poem about the Grand Canyon.
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︎ Mar 06 2019
Not so much a Dd joke, more a Grand-Dad joke.
When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.
After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".
He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.
Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.
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︎ Jan 22 2014
What's the name of Lokis more grand and pompous brother?
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︎ May 22 2019
I did an essay about Arizona and the Grand Canyon.
My teacher only wanted the cliff notes though.
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︎ Mar 06 2019
it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom.
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︎ Apr 08 2019
Though I have never been to the Grand Canyon, I want to go!
I hear it's absolutely gorges!
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︎ Mar 02 2019
Wife and I are at my sonβs yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand masterβs name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, heβs not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks Iβm damaged in some way.
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︎ Jun 17 2018
A woman gave birth to a head: no arms, no legs, no torso. They named it "Rary" as this was so rare. Rary was not happy and constantly swore. Having enough, the family goes to the Grand Canyon and toss Rary in. As they look over the edge, the mother comments:
It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary
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︎ Jun 23 2018
I threw a record into the Grand Canyon
The distance it fell was record breaking
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︎ Sep 30 2018
βGrandβdad joke: What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
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︎ Dec 26 2018
I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost
Guess you can't win the mall
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︎ Jul 26 2018
The Highlight of my Grand Fathers day is
Walking into a room and remembering why he's there !
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︎ Dec 25 2018
I handcraft these books for your Perfect Shot, so you can have a truly Grand Slam
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︎ Dec 10 2017
I donβt care what all the SJW say, Winnie Harlow giving the checkered flag early at the Canadian Grand Prix absolutely was...
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︎ Jun 11 2018
Just went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon and my pops got dadjoked by another dad while we were there.
We were taking pictures of the amazing views from the south rim of the canyon and my family wanted a picture with everyone in it. We all line up and my dad taps an older gentleman on the shoulder to take our picture:
My dad: "Hey, can you take our picture?"
Random dad: With a disgusted face he says, "No, I don't want a picture of you people." And walks off.
He took about 5 steps before turning around, laughing to himself, and snapped a great pic of my family. My dad later remarked, "that was a good one."
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︎ Apr 28 2014
I had the best Grand Slam breakfast I've ever had at a Denny's this morning.
They really knocked it out of the park.
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︎ Aug 26 2018
Grand dad joke.
My grandpa would always tell me this story about his uncles in WWII.
"My uncle was actually captured by the Germans and kept in a pow camp. They would try to break the prisoners spirit by making them to mindless things. One in particular they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.' My uncle was always a wise guy so he would rebel in the simplest way. He would only go, 'tick tick tick.' One day the guard finally caught him and said, 'don't vorry. Ve have vays of making you tock.'"
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︎ Dec 01 2013
Did you hear about the crowds at the grand opening of the new Lego store?
People were lined up for blocks
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︎ Jun 09 2020
Marriage is grand
Divorce is a hundred grand
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︎ Jan 12 2019
Isnβt the Grand Canyon..
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︎ Jul 01 2018
What do you read while at the Grand Canyon?
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︎ Jun 23 2018
Isnβt the Grand Canyon..
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︎ Jul 01 2018
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