My neighbor asked β€œwhat was with your yard?” I said β€œyou mean our yard”
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snolles1773
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I'm sure that must have been a record.

πŸ‘︎ 457
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
What type of underwear does a yard wear?

Lawngerie.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlissedIgnorance
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04
🚨︎ report
Do you all remember being in the back yard and dad pushing you in the tire swing?

Those were Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/konajones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.

We're looking for the root cause.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My neighbour with big boobs was gardening topless in their yard again...

I just wish his wife would come out with him

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
How do you make the bugs in your yard pay rent?

You fineants

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsalejandreezy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28
🚨︎ report
If I grow peppers from other countries in my back yard

Is it horticultural appropriation?

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stupidlyugly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.

I'm stumped!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
We tried planting some herbs in the back yard.

The basil has done fine, the other died. I turned to my wife and said, β€œwell, there’s no thyme in quarantine!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KeepTheFaith613
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17
🚨︎ report
β€œFrom a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”

β€œCOVID19 DAY20

Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know”

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zomida
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash...

He's better off in the long run.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.

But that didn't solve anything.

Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
My son went crazy running around the neighborhood breaking small twigs in everyone's yard one night...

I think he just snapped.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.

When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said β€œMy yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.

With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.

Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.

β€œAll finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!

Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.

β€œNow little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?

β€œI sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I thought I found a dinosaur bone in my back yard

... but it was a fossil arm.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kmo78
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
I saw some dead batteries at a yard sale.

When I asked how much, the lady said they were free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mysticune
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
Today someone has stolen a rock which measures 1760 yards in length.

That must be some kind of milestone

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Suave_Sidd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.

It's a lawnboa.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
🚨︎ report
How many feet in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sheineken
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31
🚨︎ report
My neighbor is planting some saplings in is yard

Those sons of birches...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IronQrow1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
🚨︎ report
On my yacht, I make one of the crew dress in cute costume to stand for the pole supporting the yards, booms, and rigging...

He's my mast-cot.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
What do you call a drunk Irish man passed out in your yard?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepythe12th
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
"I have 1760 yards of paddy fields"

He said with a wry smile.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IanGecko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What is Irish and sits in the back yard?

Patty O'Furniture..

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lavacadotoast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
From a repair shop's yard
πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.

Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard?

...neither did she

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: How much for the angry yard gnome?

Yard Sale Lady: That's my son.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally, I’m on the fence

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I collect rocks, and recently I found a rock that was 1760 yards long

What a milestone!

πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bargain-Ninja
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Old man Art was planting flowers in his front yard. The homeowners’ association fined him $100.

Yard Art is strictly prohibited.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How many feet are in a yard

Depends on how many come to the barbecue

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EasyGmoney
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad likes to sit in his front yard chasing kids off his property...

...Like some Lawn Enforcement Officer.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toberoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm not allowed within 500 yards of a musical instrument.

I'm a registered sax offender.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noahmancometh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Yard work

I do my yard work 3 feet at a time.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pderutte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My yard's overrun with weeds so thick they broke my mower.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Courtesy of my 7 year old : What do you call a cow who is cleaning the yard?

A Lawn-moo-er...

πŸ‘︎ 183
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aabesh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I planted some trees in my neighbor's yard to say Sorry for upsetting her.

I hope she accepts my apolotrees.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I removed some grass from my front yard in the shape of my favorite movie/video game weapon.

But my HOA informed me that they don't allow sod-off shotguns.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bubblezoid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I played an open world game and a homosexual killed me while mowing his front yard

It was very much gay mower

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hew-G
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
In the summer, I earn money by sprinkling tiny drops of water every morning on the front yards of rich people.

I don’t earn much, but I make dew.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife got upset when she found two cows grazing in our front yard

I told her: "But honey, you told me to MOO the lawn!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I mowed the front yard and about half of the back and got burrs all over my clothes

I told my boyfriend that after he finishes the yard, I would wash his clothes (which will also be covered in burrs) and mine in one load. He said his won't have very many burrs since I got the tallest stuff but that he would put his clothes in with mine anyway so they could share the burrden.

I hope this counts as a dadjoke!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rubberduh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Fresh bucket of Springwater appeared in my yard today
πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MoreMorale
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Neighbor: hey, would it be alright if I stored my boat in your yard?

It's a Civil War era iron-hulled gunboat. Would that be too much of a burden?

Me: I wouldn't call it a burden. More like a hardship.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
As I suspected, someone's been adding soil in my yard

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 705
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Came home late last night to find cows loitering in my front yard

A small group of calves were munching on my front flower beds, and mooving slowly towards the woods. Thought about calling the cops to report a bunch of mooligans, but I didn't really have a beef with them. Haven't seen hide nor hair of them since!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/booknerdgirl4ever
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldn’t. β€œWhat, are you not smart enough?”

β€œNo U”

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m not sure if I should install a barrier around my yard

I’m a little on the fence

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0827Jake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents banned me from riding my Vespa in the yard.

So I just moped around the house all weekend...

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buggaboobooy
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...

But having a giant rock is boulder.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hailiar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A group of possum played dead in my yard last night

They did a great version of β€˜Truckin’

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SallyMaeBigly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the man say to the kid who left a tub of Fluorine on his yard

Get the F off my lawn

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AncientDestructor
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I met with my friend who said he developed a weapon to harness the wind and propel it like a bullet. We took turns firing at a target he had in his yard...

We shot the breeze.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What yard work is a cow best suited for

Mooing the law

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
As a woman I consider myself to be wife material. You know how much you have to pay per yard for wife material? About a house and a yard!
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HollyDaze420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I became really tired when mowing my yard.

I had to cut it short.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingCheese44
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad why our yard was covered in shrubs...

He said its because there isn't mushroom for anything else

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mothertuckingdog
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
This morning I climbed up to the beehive in my yard and used putty to block the exit.

It was unbeeleavable

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter broke up with her boyfriend, a rail yard worker.

They're decoupling.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jorg2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently got a job in a boat yard fixing old sailboats.

I shit you knot

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't trust those trees in our yard.

They're shady.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cancervixen831
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
The film "The Longest Yard" has its pros and cons.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ceowin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I lost my job as a yard maintenance company for not doing my work....

...apparently, I didn't cut it any mower.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onlymojo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I found the pope wandering around in my yard...

he said he was just ROME-ing around!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PugMage101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Yards sticks

Did you hear they quit making yard sticks? Yeah their not making them any longer.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thinkl0gic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
So my wife said I should go do some yard work. . .

So I went into the yard and played croquet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NeoTalis88
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My god doesn't poop or pee in the yard.

I pray to dog that he finally will.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone has been adding better grass to my yard!

What a sod!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Life Hack: If you play My Chemical Romance loud enough in your yard...

your grass will cut itself.

πŸ‘︎ 210
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hann1980
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Found this tossed in my yard. This company is throwing out money with their advertising.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/humblehome
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...

Unfortunately, they only had friars.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I caught a bunch of social justice warriors in my yard digging up large wooden stakes

They said the posts had to be removed before they caused a fence

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorKidstoys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the dog say when asked how he liked his new yard?

"I can dig it."

(Courtesy of my own child. I'm a proud daddy this day.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
With over 25,000 yards a season as a quarterback in high school with no interceptions, he predicted he would be in the NFL

It did come to pass

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Whenever I have to count the weeds in my yard,

I use the Round Up method.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nate_hawwk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I noticed some really nasty weeds in my yard.

I tried my gas-powered trimmer, which is normally up to the task, but I couldn't cut through them.

I tried using my mower to tear them up, but it couldn't make a dent.

I got out the manual tree branch trimmer to try to take out some of the bigger stalks, but I just couldn't cut through.

Finally, I got out my chainsaw, and even then, the thicket just clogged it up & wouldn't go down.

I give up.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/popegonzo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I drove past a lumbar yard the other day. They were having a β€œBark Sale”

I thought to myself, β€œman... sales must be ruff.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshuadbonner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I was looking into my neighbor's yard when my brain started channeling Rick Springfield.
Jessie is a friend,
Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed
It ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a grill and I want to make it mine

And he's grilling chicken thighs,
And he's smokin' racks of ribs, I just know it!
And he's holding pool parties late, late at night...

You know I wish that I had Jessie's grill...
I wish that I had Jessie's grill...

Where can I find a burger like that?
πŸ‘︎ 209
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Disney is making a movie about a cow standing in your front yard...

They're calling it 'Mulan".

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/glyph-bellchime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My nephew and I saw a huge turtle in my in-laws yard. He took a picture to put on Snapchat.

Me: #snappingturtle

Nephew: No response

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/arshort
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I had a patient that said she tried doing an arm exercise with a yard stick but it hurt.

I said, "Well, I guess that one is overruled."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orange-n-blue
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a very long gated yard owned by Elon Musk?

An ElonGated yard

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stouthelm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw a suspicious looking guy around my yard yesterday. I sternly told him I thought he was a thief

I hope he doesn't take a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2017
🚨︎ report
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length

Must be some kind of milestone

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…

πŸ‘︎ 397
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? No?

Neither did she.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suddu0597
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2017
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are standing in it!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Farmof5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone!

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Raven_007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are in the yard

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daniel_m132
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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