I just spent three hours chasing all the water fowl out of my yard...
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.
Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said “your wife already took care of it.”
Did you hear they are not making yard sticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
My senile old father came out into the yard, as my kid was feeding the squirrels and started yelling, "Shooo! Shooo!" At them.
I just didn't have the heart to tell him they were squirrels; not shoes. As long as he doesn't try to put them on again. That got messy.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
I was trying to reshape the border of my back yard when my neighbours fence fell over...
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard, and taking poops on my flower bed.
What does the 50 yard line and a toilet have in common?
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks
Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path
I found a cool rock in my father-in-law's yard. FIL- Oh that's a native American fertility stone. Me- Really! How can you tell? FIL- ....
My friend was explaining at length about how he was digging holes in his back yard for water.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard
I’m not a huge fan of the bark
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yard.
What does Tony Hawk use to landscape his yard?
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
I have a back yard like Greta Garbo
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20
Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know”
My neighbour with big boobs was gardening topless in their yard again...
I just wish his wife would come out with him
A mafia boss hired a hitman to take down a few pines in his front yard
The hitman asked: 'what do you want me to do after the job is done?'
The mafia boss replied: 'I want you to go bury tree bodies.'
I'm heartbroken since my Dog was stolen last week from our yard.
Police haven't found any leads yet.
Do you all remember being in the back yard and dad pushing you in the tire swing?
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I was walking by a yard sale the other day
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.
I made a graph of all the animals I've observed pooping in my yard.
The neighbour's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbours have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
Yesterday I had a 10-point, an 8-point, and a 4-point buck in my yard at the same time.
I caught my delivery driver dropping a turd in my yard today.
When asked to leave a review I gave him a number 2
If I grow peppers from other countries in my back yard
Is it horticultural appropriation?
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash...
He's better off in the long run.
I saw some dead batteries at a yard sale.
When I asked how much, the lady said they were free of charge.
We tried planting some herbs in the back yard.
The basil has done fine, the other died. I turned to my wife and said, “well, there’s no thyme in quarantine!”
My son went crazy running around the neighborhood breaking small twigs in everyone's yard one night...
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
So I heard they are not making yard sticks any longer.
Just 3 feet and no longer.
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