Condensation really isn't the best way to water your lawn...
I just bought a chicken proof lawn...
Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...
all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
A well just mysteriously appeared in the lawn at the precinct!
The police are currently looking into it...
My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.
Told my wife to message the lawn person
Because we are taking our fence down.
She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?
I said: is that really an emojency?
38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
My neighbor asked why i bought a new lawn mower...
..Told him that my old one just wasnting cutting it.
(Neighbor approved)
It's important to lose closely at lawn signs during election campaigns....
Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
What did the French baker say after mowing his lawn?
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.
I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
when my kid was 51% done with the lawn
My dad comes in from mowing the lawn
DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink
He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke
No ones takes better care of your lawn than Juan.
I've been so bored lately that I've been sprinkling water on people's lawns in the morning.
It gives me something to dew.
I stopped watering my lawn, but it still looks great! I'm not bragging.
I give credit where credit is dew.
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job.
I just wasn’t cutting it.
Some people in my town were protesting by transplanting the courthouse lawn...
It was a grassroots movement.
What do you call a drunk Irishman on your front lawn?
The pink plastic birds, popular as lawn ornaments in Florida.....
are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !
Yesterday he brought a dog along
Did you hear about the new sign they put on the lawn of the rehab center?
It says “Keep off the grass”
Had a lawn mowing run for a while but had to let it go...
...I just couldn’t cut it 🤨
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
Dad: Your Grandfather used to always mow the lawn
Son : Please don't
Dad: Now hes Lawn gone
I’ve waited a lawn time for these sandals.
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
I’ve waited a lawn time for these sandals.
My friend used to take care of the lawn on a rich man's estate but now runs a coffee wholesale store...
He calls it The Groundskeeper.
What do you call a bird that tends to it's lawn?
My wife thinks I'm taking too much time mowing the lawn
She said: "Stop beating around the bush and get to it!"
I have a chicken proof lawn
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
I have a chicken proof lawn…
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
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