I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
Condensation really isn't the best way to water your lawn...
Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...
all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
Told my wife to message the lawn person
Because we are taking our fence down.
She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?
I said: is that really an emojency?
38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.
A well just mysteriously appeared in the lawn at the precinct!
The police are currently looking into it...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
What did the French baker say after mowing his lawn?
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
My dad comes in from mowing the lawn
DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink
He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke
when my kid was 51% done with the lawn
I've been so bored lately that I've been sprinkling water on people's lawns in the morning.
It gives me something to dew.
Some people in my town were protesting by transplanting the courthouse lawn...
It was a grassroots movement.
The pink plastic birds, popular as lawn ornaments in Florida.....
are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Did you hear about the new sign they put on the lawn of the rehab center?
It says “Keep off the grass”
Dad: Your Grandfather used to always mow the lawn
Son : Please don't
Dad: Now hes Lawn gone
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
ha ha ha ha ha ha get it?!?!?
My wife thinks I'm taking too much time mowing the lawn
She said: "Stop beating around the bush and get to it!"
My friend used to take care of the lawn on a rich man's estate but now runs a coffee wholesale store...
He calls it The Groundskeeper.
Dad uses a cow to keep the lawns under control
He calls it his lawn mooer.
What’s the name of the guy who takes care of your lawn?
My dad told me he only mowed half the lawn. I asked which half. He answered:
Today I had to get rid of the lawn mower I've had for 20 years.
It just could no longer make the cut.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That’s on a need to mow basis.
What's Irish and sits out on the lawn all day?
Why did the man pour alcohol on his lawn?
So it would get half cut.
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.
My neighbor is renovating his kitchen and keeps leaving huge delivered packages on his front lawn. The latest is a huge basin on a pallet and It. Is. An eyesore.
Let that sink in.
Happy Father's Day!
My dad always used to tell me to wear shoes when using the lawn mower. I would always end up wearing slippers.
He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".
The sheep were slow to eat my lawn today -- turns out I just needed more ram.
What did the cobbler say to get the slavs off his lawn?
I just found out the lawn chair was invented by an Irish woman.
Her name was Patty O'Furniture.
I finished mowing the lawn just before the first guests arrived for our party.
I didn't realize I was cutting it close.
My wife asked what all those bees were doing on the lawn
I said, "Probably just be-ing."
So I was mowing our lawn the other day and I wasn't wearing any shoes.
My dad shouted at me from the balcony and said "If you cut off your legs mowing that lawn, don't you come running to me".
What's a fun sport to play on the lawn?
My dad genetically modified a bunch of plants to look like him...now there are green daddys all over the lawn
What Did The Monkey Say When His Tail Got Caught In The Lawn Mower?
It won't be long now.
Ted Allen said this dad joke on Chopped and this older cowboy chef knew the punchline. He must have kids.
I saw my dad slumped over the lawn mower, crying his eyes out, so I yelled, "Are you ok?!"
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.
What's Irish and sits out on the lawn all day?
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