I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

He just didn’t cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I have just laid a chicken proof lawn.

It is impeccable.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Condensation really isn't the best way to water your lawn...

But it'll make dew.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i4mb4tm4n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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It's a lawn mover
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgausp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?

Gnomads.

(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadLuck627
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...

all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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A well just mysteriously appeared in the lawn at the precinct!

The police are currently looking into it...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My lawn care guy had to give up mowing when his mower broke down.

He just couldn't cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my wife to message the lawn person

Because we are taking our fence down.

She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?

I said: is that really an emojency?

38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shor7Fuz3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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My neighbor asked why i bought a new lawn mower...

..Told him that my old one just wasnting cutting it.

(Neighbor approved)

πŸ‘︎ 178
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorVinderman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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It's important to lose closely at lawn signs during election campaigns....

Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cumsock17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. β€œYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. β€œDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.”

β€œWhy?” she asked.

β€œBecause that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Oh, the eye roll on this kid.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the French baker say after mowing his lawn?

Time to baguette.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplatCactus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor came over again to tell me about his new lawn, so I told him to get lost.

I’ve heard enough of his sod stories.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fish_and_chisps
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...

"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
when my kid was 51% done with the lawn

it was mow-stly complete

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/death_by_anxiety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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No ones takes better care of your lawn than Juan.
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Theofficalwiggles
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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My dad comes in from mowing the lawn

DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink

He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Only_Abe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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I've been so bored lately that I've been sprinkling water on people's lawns in the morning.

It gives me something to dew.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job.

I just wasn’t cutting it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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I stopped watering my lawn, but it still looks great! I'm not bragging.

I give credit where credit is dew.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Some people in my town were protesting by transplanting the courthouse lawn...

It was a grassroots movement.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cartergansweater
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a drunk Irishman on your front lawn?

My dad

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuIgGlEsJiGgLeS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
The pink plastic birds, popular as lawn ornaments in Florida.....

are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSEiGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.

Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !

Yesterday he brought a dog along

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Front lawn dad joke #20
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bicureyooz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new sign they put on the lawn of the rehab center?

It says β€œKeep off the grass”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommyWiseaus_butt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.

I’m tired of his mine games.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I just mowed the lawn.

Worked my grass off.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpaqueYeti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a lawn mowing run for a while but had to let it go...

...I just couldn’t cut it 🀨

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I’ve waited a lawn time for these sandals.
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Dad: Your Grandfather used to always mow the lawn

Son : Please don't Dad: Now hes Lawn gone

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffrywatisun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?

A metro-gnome

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Lawn & Order
πŸ‘︎ 660
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Starfish93486
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I’ve waited a lawn time for these sandals.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onurhanreyiz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!

Who would stoop so low?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bird that tends to it's lawn?

A mow-hawk

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife thinks I'm taking too much time mowing the lawn

She said: "Stop beating around the bush and get to it!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stibar
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I just bought a chicken proof lawn...

It's impeccable!

πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xevetv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a chicken proof lawn

It's impeccable

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?

A metro-gnome

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a chicken proof lawn…

Its impeccable…

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?

A metro-gnome

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?

A metro-gnome

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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