Two cows are standing next to each other in a pasture...

Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artifically inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29
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*Me every time we pass a cow pasture* β€œDid you know those are award winning cows?”

They’re out standing in their field

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Casey_H3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
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Does anyone work for HR at Pastures New?

If so, can you please stop poaching my staff?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
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Pasture Bedtime young one
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GalaxyLFoxYT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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My car broke down on a Kentucky back road next to a pasture containing a single donkey .

Not wanting to walk, I had to burro it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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If your cell phone's battery is dead, throw it into a cow pasture

This is helpful because the bull charges.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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Why did the farmer start dancing in the pasture when his cows became ill?

Because of all the moosick!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wer190
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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What do call the best bag of milk in the middle of its own pasture?

A litre in their field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WheresTheWombo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
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Did you hear about the farmer who let his 196 cows out to pasture?

When he rounded them up he had 200.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/perezgc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
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What did the mama cow said to the baby cow?

It's pasture bedtime

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
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Why do you never see cows sleeping?

Because they go to bed pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drgoosebeard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08
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I have a farmer friend who heats his milk products to 212 degrees Fahrenheit using cow chips...

Yep. It's called pasture-ized milk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
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Why is a field of grass always older than you?

Because it’s pasture age

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bhoke23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26
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How do you know when it is time for cows to go to sleep?

When it’s pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engineerwho_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
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What did the mummy cow say to the baby cow?

It’s pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
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What did the momma cow say to her baby?

It's pasture bedtime!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrincessCuteButt
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
What did Dad cow say to baby cow?

It's pasture bedtime

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27
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Did you see that milk go flying past?

No? Oh. It must have gotten...pasturized!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimBobBoBubba
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer say to his cow at night?

It's pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Why did the horses get a divorce?

They didn’t have a stable relationship!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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What did the farmer say to the cows at night? πŸ„

It’s pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rabbitstew45
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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If I ever own a ranch in my old age

I'm definitely gonna call it "Pasture Prime"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jshrad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?

Because it’s pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juggernautx22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I keep telling this girl who works on a farm to get over the loss of her favorite cow.

But she couldn't put it pasture.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnimuTrappu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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I’m the animal kingdom, it’s considered a heinous crime for a malaria-infected mosquito to bite.

The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.

Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.

The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.

The mosquito was on the lamb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadfullyBIzzy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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I tried too hard.

An art critic was judging paintings at an event.

The first one was a bland painting of the earth. not too bad, but nothing out of this world.

The second one was a blank painting. Why they even turned it it, don’t ask.

The third one though. The third one was a beautifully crafted painting of a sheep.

The art critic turned to the artist. All they had to say was, β€œWow, I am wooly astonished. The shear amount of detail of this art ewe made, which definitely lambs you into first place. This might be way pasture standards, but too baaad, don’t be sheepish. This piece definitely separates the sheep from the goats, it will definitely farm you some moo-lah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PorpoleyPolarBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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What did the momma cow say to the baby cow

its pasture bed time

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talcabus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer say to the cow that refused to go to sleep at midnight?

It’s pasture bedtime!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hufc1908
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
what did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

it's pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keyanchristian
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer say to the cow after night?

Its pasture bed time!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Driddle07
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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What kind of milk do cows with no barn make?

Pasturized

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πŸ‘€︎ u/one-zero
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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After dinner, mom cow walks into the living room

to see her two calves watching tv, she grabs the remote, turns it off and says β€œokay you two. time to hit the hay, it’s pasture bedtime.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/devtompoint
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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Did you hear about the all sheep and goat cast of Casablanca?

The movie's signature line was "here's looking at ewe kid."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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What's the fastest liquid in the world?

Milk because before you know it, it's pasturize

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turtleforeskin88
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2016
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
What did the mama cow say to her calf?

It's pasture bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSBoe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
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A city slicker moves to the country with the idea to start a farm.

He can't afford to buy a whole herd of cows all at once, but he figures he can start small and work up. So he buys a dozen cows and two bulls. He puts the bulls in separate pastures, and splits the cows evenly, and waits. After a couple weeks, he realizes that most of the cows in one pasture are pregnant, but on the other side of the fence, nothing has been happening. He calls up his neighbor, Elmer, an old country feller who has been farming since he could walk. "See, there's your problem," the old man says, "That one's a bull, but the other's a steer." The city slicker says, "Well, I don't know what the difference is. Could you put it in terms I might understand better?" Elmer says, "Well..."

"One's regular and the other is de-calf."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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My fiance and I were discussing driving the kids down to Disneyland later this year

Me: If we go in December, we should take an extra day to check out the cow pastures. Her: Cow pastures? Me: Yeah. In the winter, they have a lot of cool shit. Her: sigh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/confibulator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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A misunderstood goat

I once had a goat. One that nobody understood why he did the things he did, and he resented us all for it. So much so that he would head butt and attack anyone that tried to get close. He was just such a misunderstood soul. One day, I was looking out the window with my morning coffee when I saw that a passing stranger was sitting atop that old and rusted '55 Chevy pickup that sat in the pasture petting the goat. The goat had finally found someone that really understood him. I watched amazed as this stranger reached a closeness with the goat that I myself would never know . "Wow" I whispered to myself, "that man really gets my goat..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/auzzy2387
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2013
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What did the farmer say to the calf at midnight?

"Get to bed! It's pasture bed time!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/punx_at_heart
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2013
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Three Bulls - A Fable.

Three bulls one large, one medium, and one small are out of grass in their pasture. The large bull looks over next to their pasture and sees another pasture with beautiful and lush grass, so he takes a few steps back and charges straight into the fence and breaks it! The large bull started eating.

The two smaller bulls come in too and start eating the new grass.

"Hey!" said the large bull, "I put in the effort to eat this grass, go find your own!"

So the medium bull finds another pasture right next to the ones they're in, then he charges at the fence and breaks it and starts eating in that pasture. So the small bull comes in and starts eating.

"Hey!" exclaimed the medium bull, who then continued on to give the same spiel that the large bull gave the two smaller bulls.

Then the small bull looks around, but doesn't see any new grass fields. However, he spots a fence that led to a road. So the small bull opens the gate and walks and walks and walks to find that pasture.

Wanna know

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptMcButternut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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Got my wife while we were in the car earlier.

We were driving by a cow pasture earlier and I pointed out the window and told my wife "that's some bullshit right there!"

A few seconds later it hit her, and all she did was roll her eyes at me and shake her head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acousticreverb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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In honor of Fathers Day

In honor of Fathers Day, I'll share my father's two favorite jokes.

As a kid, whenever I would do something good in school, as in pass a test or get a good grade, my father would say "Wow, you're so bright, I should call you sun"

Whenever somebody would be leaving our house, whether it be friends or other family (nobody was safe) his closing line would be "well if I don't see you in the future, I guess I'll see you in the pasture!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veetoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
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The Tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them into a local derby. As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. As soon as the gates swung open, both horses immediately bolted to the front of the race as the announcer was going wild, "It's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, and Hobbin wins by a nose!" Excited by the win, the farmer then enters them into the Kentucky Derby. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This continues in every race until Hobbin has won the Triple Crown. By this point the farmer is be

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Umkazto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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My dad while driving through a farming community

As we pass a pasture full of sheep on a particularly bumpy road:

"Man this road is baaaaaaaad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteRussian90
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2015
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My dad got dadjoked my 7 yr old sister

I've been in a car all day waiting to get home to tell this one. As we were driving down the road, we pass by a pasture full of hay bales when all of a sudden my sister yells out "hey daddy!" My dad responds with a generic "yes?" To which my sister replies with "oh, I was just showing you the hay over there." I love my sister.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthomasm1994
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2015
🚨︎ report
One of my father's favorite joke: "Three Bulls: A Fable"

They were in the pasture munchin' on all their grass, but they realise that they are almost out of grass to eat, and that the pasture next to them has untouched grass. "I'm going to that pasture" said the big bull. So he reared up, and smashed through the fence into the pasture and proceeded to eat. The other two bulls followed and started to eat.

"Hold up" the big bull exclaimed, "I did all the work to get into this pasture, you two find your own."

So the medium bull found another pasture to break into, reared up, and smashed into the pasture next to the new one. The medium bull starts feasting on his new grass. The small bull follows suit.

"Hold up" Said the medium bull. "This is my pasture. Find your own."

So the small bull looks around, but there aren't any more pastures. However there is a small gated fence leading to the street. So the small bull charges and smashes through the fence and looks around. He decided to walk on the sidewalk until he finds another pasture. So he wa

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptMcButternut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Whenever someone leaves my house.

Dad: "Well, have a good day, if I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veetoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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My dad it me and my mom with this doozy

Were driving and our gps says "take left at pasture road" Dad:"pasture road? What, did we miss our turn?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littleboylover73
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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Only 18, but I think I'm ready to be a dad

GF sister: Have you ever seen a Roman horse? They are so weird looking

GF: What's a Roman horse?

Me: The ones walking around the pasture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybird
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
🚨︎ report
When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer say to his cow at night?

It's pasture bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/felipe3241
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the farmer say to his cows at night?

It’s PASTURE your bedtime.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrislaker92
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer say to the cows at night?

Its pasture bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe_Ferro_890823
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the farmer say to his cows

Its pasture bedtime

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sors_bandeam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
🚨︎ report

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