You graze me up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/truddilutten
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
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The Graze Gatsby
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvinal
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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Drugstores across the nation are reporting a shortage of plasters for cuts and grazes.

Manufacturers are determined to find a band-aid solution.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marty085
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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At first, the buffalo father insisted his boy was only going through a graze ...

... but eventually realized he loved and accepted his bison.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fubo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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I'm a dad, here's my joke: Which range animal likes to graze naked?

A BUFF-alo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/futurestorms
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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Grazing puns ?

This might be a little unconventional but i’m thinking of starting a charcuterie/grazing board business, and would love a punny name for it !

Some examples that i’ve seen have been β€œget grazy” β€œamazing grazing” but can’t use those for obvious reasons

So if you guys have any punny suggestions to do with cheese , grazing , platters , etc :))

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fflowerss
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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What do you call a grazing cow that swallowed a land mine.

Abominable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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What do a world-renowned scientist and a grazing cow have in common?

They are both out-standing in their fields.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baronvb1123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?

Cause that's when the steaks are highest.

Edit: Well this is rare, I wasn't sure how well done this joke was. Thanks for the face palm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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My wife got upset when she found two cows grazing in our front yard

I told her: "But honey, you told me to MOO the lawn!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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The T-Rex lumbered over the ridge and looked down at the numerous plant-eaters grazing in the lush, green valley. "This place is familiar," he said,

"I've eaten herbivore."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyOatey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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Hundreds of birds came from the woods and were harassing sheep grazing in the fields.

So a black sheep took it upon himself to run into the woods to stop the birds. And it worked! The moral of the story? Lonely ewe can prevent forest flyers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/speedpetez
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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What is a cannibal's favourite medical drama?

Graze Anatomy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Idle_Giant
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Driving by some cows who were grazing in a flooded field.

Father-in-law: they should have mooved them.

Me: they should have steaked it off.

Uncle: the farmer doesn't seem to be having a cow.

a few minutes later, as I'm posting this

Uncle: You really are milking this.

Cousin: that's utterly terrible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/medicaaron
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2014
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I was attacked by a flock of sheep and was sent to the hospital...

Luckily, I was only grazed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InevitableBobcat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I’ve just been attacked by a herd of cows.

I’m ok, but I’ve been badly grazed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Two cows in a field...

There are these two cows in a field gazing away when one cow says to the other cow, "Mooooooooo" The first cow looks at him and thinks a moment and says, "You know, I was thinking the very same thing."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Korleonis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
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Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have 4 stomachs to digest the grasses they consume...

It's graze anatomy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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My cows started smoking marijuana.

The steaks have never been higher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors...

It’s called Graze Anatomy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep...

Fortunately, I was only grazed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkchop_d_clown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Did you hear about the cow that almost ran into the fence?

Luckily it saw the fence in enough time, and it just grazed it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Why are cows such bad shots?

Cause all they do is graze.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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What’s a cows favorite TV show?

Graze anatomy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshooahdohhm
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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Some people try to learn the whole layout of the human body in one go, as if they’re devouring a meal...

...but I prefer to graze anatomy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElLordHighBueno
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/estomasi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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As I was telling him about this subreddit...

Dad: Hey son, whats a metaphor? Me: It compares two... Dad: COWS TO GRAZE IN!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheeWeevil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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I feel my livestock professor could cover information better...

...It feels like he really GRAZES over the information.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZSR2010
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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The Tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them into a local derby. As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. As soon as the gates swung open, both horses immediately bolted to the front of the race as the announcer was going wild, "It's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, and Hobbin wins by a nose!" Excited by the win, the farmer then enters them into the Kentucky Derby. Once again, as soon as the gates open, both horses fly to the front of the race and it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This continues in every race until Hobbin has won the Triple Crown. By this point the farmer is beginning to realize just how fast these horses are, so he decides to enter them into a NASCAR race and again, it's Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. This pattern continues until Hobbin wins the Sprint Cup. Still believing that he can push these horses further, he enters them both into an F1 Grand Prix. Unbelievably, against some of most well-engineered machines on Earth, as soon as the race started it was Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin and again, Hobbin wins by a nose. Hobbin won so often that he was named the World Drivers' Champion. After that the farmer decided that the horses had done it, they'd won the most prestigious races in the world; they had earned their retirement. Five years later, as the two horses were grazing in their pasture, Noggin walked up to Hobbin and said, "Hey, you know, you won all of those races we were in. Do you think that we could race around the pasture, and you could just let me win one race?" "Okay, I'll do that for you" Hobbin replied. So, just like the olden days, the two horses were off, and ever the same, it was Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, Hobbin-Noggin, Noggin-Hobbin, and again, Hobbin beats Noggin by a nose. The old farm dog, watching from the farmhouse's front porch, walks over and asks Hobbin, "Hey, why'd you do that? You said you'd let him win, the race was just for fun; it meant nothing." To which Hobbin responded, "WOW. Would you look at that? A t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Umkazto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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My dad told me this one when I was a kid

Once upon a time, there was a bull named Hannibal.

One day, he looked to the adjacent field, seperated by barbed wire, and saw a beautiful female cow grazing there. Naturally, being the show-off that he was, he decided to jump over the barbed wire fence to impress the lady. From that day onward, people just called him Hanni.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joris914
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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I had a shower

I had a shower last night, and the humidity in the room made the floor a little slippery. As I was towelling off, the mop in the corner slipped and grazed my leg.

All I could think was "That almost cleaned me up."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesterfraud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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What is a sheep's favorite show?

Graze anatomy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karpish_the_smol
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
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