Got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....
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︎ Mar 03 2021
My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.
I said Iβd nominate her for the SAG awards.
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︎ Feb 11 2021
In a beehive, after the queen bee gives birth to the little baby bees, which bees are responsible for feeding the babies?
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︎ Mar 20 2021
The feeding of the five Townshend.
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︎ Feb 14 2021
I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her breaststroke out, feeding her son on the bus."
She said, "It's a natural thing to do."
"Natural", I retorted. "She was giving him chips."
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︎ Feb 22 2021
My senile old father came out into the yard, as my kid was feeding the squirrels and started yelling, "Shooo! Shooo!" At them.
I just didn't have the heart to tell him they were squirrels; not shoes. As long as he doesn't try to put them on again. That got messy.
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︎ Mar 01 2021
A guyβs Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
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︎ Feb 13 2021
The panda tricked the zoo keeper into feeding it more food...
...Guess you could say the zoo keeper got bamboozled!
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︎ Nov 15 2020
A wife kept over-feeding her husband
One day, after some extreme over-feeding, the man looked his wife in the eyes and said:
This has to stop
I'm fed up
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︎ Jul 18 2020
What did one cow say to the other cow at the feeding trough?
Mooooooooooove over pal Iβm tryinβ to eat here
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︎ Sep 26 2020
Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."
My first official dad joke.
Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! Iβll be putting this in my little oneβs Reddit Scholarship Fund!
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︎ Jan 09 2019
A man was arrested at the beach for feeding pot brownies to the seagulls. It was his third such arrest because, as he put it,...
βI shall leave no tern unstoned.β
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︎ Feb 02 2020
I had a job feeding kids at the orphanage...
but it was GRUEL-ing work.
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︎ Jan 16 2020
Last night, me and the boys snuck onto the farm and went around feeding the cows $5 bills.
I do love me some cow tipping.
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︎ Oct 22 2019
I saw a doe feeding her cute newborn fawn...
I quickly became endeered.
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︎ Nov 27 2019
My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
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︎ Nov 20 2018
TIL about a bird that migrates from Canada to Jamaica each year, feeding on snakes over the winter
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︎ May 17 2019
What do you call Momma bee feeding baby bee?
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︎ Mar 09 2019
I don't know why people make aircraft noises when feeding baby.
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︎ Mar 29 2019
Feeding a baguette to a donkey is a real pain in the ass.
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︎ Jun 30 2016
While feeding some ducks with kids, more ducks turn up.
Me "there's loads coming, they must have sent a telegraph"
Dad friend "there birds, they tweeted it"
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︎ Aug 11 2018
I told my wife I was feeding our son grapes...
"...just in case he whines later."
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︎ Dec 26 2016
Feeding the animals at a petting zoo
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︎ Oct 27 2018
A man walked into a bar while feeding his horse
The bartender exclaimed, "Hay! You can't bring that in here!"
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︎ Jan 10 2018
I tried force feeding my son this morningβ¦
"Feed him properly Dave." Said my wife, "You're not a Jedi!"
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︎ Jun 28 2017
Many campaigns dissuade feeding crows nowadays
Because the murder rate was at an all time high
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︎ Mar 22 2018
While feeding the fish.
"Would you like anything to drink with that? No? Just water?"
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︎ Oct 17 2013
A good dad bottle feeding his son...
http://i.imgur.com/jkSZ5eV.jpg
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︎ May 09 2014
We were feeding goats at the zoo
One bigger goat was headbutting the smaller ones, and I had to say:
"Most of these are billy goats, but that one's a bully goat"
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︎ Jul 20 2016
So I said, 'What does the vulture sing to its children at feeding time'?
Carrion my wayward son, of course.
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︎ Feb 26 2016
Feeding Fish
Got a +4 yesterday feeding a big shoal of fish with my girls and their friend.
One of them threw a whole portion in at once. "Wow! They ate that really quickly!"
"Yes they are very efishient"
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︎ May 08 2016
Got chucked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks...
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︎ Apr 07 2021
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