New guy: That sounds like bullshit.
Farmer: Yes, exactly.
What a load of crap!
My friend looked at me and said, "I guess there's only so much shit you can take."
True story.
Heard the business was expanding
It's a fuckin rock.
I got a standing ovulation.
First, a tractor.
I’m having problems with my male delivery.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
Zygote go.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me!
The plot thickens.
Cockadoodle-do-do.
There's no vas deferens, really..
That’s just bullshit man
Sounds like an ovary action to me...
It shouted, “I want mower!”
I don't know what they're talking about, all I do is spreadsheet.
It was a pretty shit montage
After a long and arduous hike, Attle is tired. "How much longer dad? Are you sure its is this way?"
"Son, trust me! Now stay close to me ok!"
Finally, Battle reaches a good viewpoint, and spots an island in the distance.
He excitedly yells: "Attle! Come on, hurry up, I think I found it".
Attle catches up to his dad. "Where is it?"
Battle points to the island, and says "Seattle"!
I mean... it's conceivable.
Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.
The plot thickens...
A farmer goes into a bar and says "please help I just ran out of fertilizer" a man then yells at him "why should I give a shit"
A shitstorm.
Wife: How's the market today?
Me: Grain is up in rows, livestock is outstanding in the field.
Fertilized
During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:
"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we are known for our speed!" gloated the one sperm.
"Nein! It vill be I! I hail from the right testicle - known for its efficiency!" yelled the other.
"Well we lefties are known for our cunning, I will definitely out maneuver you!"
"The right vill be VICTORIOUS!" "Nein! the left vill be TRIUMPHANT!!!" "LEFT!" "RIGHT!" "LEFT!!!!!" "RIIIIGGGHHHTT!!!"
Finally fed up from the constant bickering, a sperm from the front of the load yells
"OH VAS DEFERENS DOES IT MAKE?!"
The waitress came to take our order, starting with my heavily pregnant wife. When the waitress asked how my wife would like her eggs, I quickly replied: Fertilized!
Waitress laughed her head off, wife gave disapproving look.
My wife is 8 weeks pregnant with our first (twins, actually). Today we had an ultrasound to check on them before my wife is officially transferred from the fertility specialist to her OB/GYN.
Nurse: Both heartbeats are a healthy 144.
Me: Gross.
Nurse: What?.... Oh. (nervous laugh)
Wife: (facepalm)
Me: (ear-to-ear grin)
So I work at a fertilizer plant and we have a weekly team meeting. This one maintenance guy brings in a bearing that failed the week before to show it to us.
My supervisor: "Ahh I see you've come with gifts."
Me: "No, he's come bearing gifts."
Room was filled with laughter and groans.
For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Me: "Dad, there's a really good deal on fertilizer at Costco. You should go check it out, it's super cheap."
Dad: "would you say it's dirt cheap?"
groan
Fertilizer.
