My grandfather just walked into the room with a guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.

I said, β€œWho is this guy?”

My grandfather: That’s my hip replacement.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my son today β€œWhy do you always sing to your corn on the cob before eating it?”

His explanation was music to my ears.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fordskis
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the downside of eating a clock?

It's time consuming

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridbirdbird
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Doc told me he has good news and bad news for me. Bad news is my organs are shutting down from my eating only pepperoni, ham & salami.

Good news is, I’m cured!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncle_Bug_Music
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the sign of a really dedicated hot dog eating contestant?

They relish the competition.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw a guy eating a Cuban style sandwich...

And I thought to myself, he's havana good time

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadlifememes
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't cannibals like eating clowns?

They taste funny!

(I'll see myself out)

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
When I catch my son, Luke, eating with his hands.

"Use the fork, Luke."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmstile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My three favorite things are eating my family

and not using commas

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hetgr8
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Practice safe eating...

... always use a condiment

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
A bee that won't stop eating...

.....Will become a little chub-bee.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a prostitute eating meat?

A carniwhore

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikeplants71
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor says I should start eating hot peppers to boost my immune system.

He said they're full of Vitamin Spi-C!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Eating caterpillars makes me anxious

my stomach is filled with butterflies

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/relayrider
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.

I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linkocomic
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend died after eating rotten spaghetti.

He pasta way too young.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I was lucky enough to witness the first narcoleptic contestants ever to compete at the World Pie Eating Championship.

They were pioneers.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnome-mad
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
The cops arrested 2 kids at the park. One was eating battery acid, the other was eating fireworks

They charged one and let off the other!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrboston617
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
2 cannibals start eating a fella

One starts at the head, one starts at the feet

one goes to the other - "how's it going?"

the other goes - "I'm having a ball"

first cannibal goes - "slow down, you're eating too fast"

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snozzcumberbatch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My 8 year old finished eating dinner

8yo: "There, I ate!"

Me [points at 9yo]: "Good job! She nine."

8yo: πŸ€”?

9yo: "Ugh. Because I'm nine and you're eight. You ate. I nine?"

8yo: "Daaaad!"

πŸ‘︎ 496
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Found out that my nanna used to compete in banana eating competitions until she was caught cheating...

... Then they had to ban nanna

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/repostssleuthbot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man eating curds says, β€œI bet Miss Muffet would enjoy this.”

A cheese expert replied, β€œThere’s no whey!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eisenbergm
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Eating mercury can kill you.

It's a death metal.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maras123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I prefer eating my vegetables in silence.

I just want some peas and quiet.

πŸ‘︎ 133
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the blackhole say to the star before eating it?

Itadaki-mass

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcidicTart
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

πŸ‘︎ 29k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do they call eating ass in Hawaii?

Pacific Rim

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asobel73805
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
AITA for eating my coworker's subway?

Oops, wrong sub!

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cows stop eating mushrooms?

The steaks were too high

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What should we be eating on Easter instead of Ham?

iHop

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b3tt3rcallsaul
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My donkey keeps eating the glass out of my window.

It’s a real pane in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
you know why I don’t like eating small types of fish

because they are little fishy

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zaiddortegaa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge

But I just can’t quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwaysthecold
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was peacefully eating my Chinese soup, until a guy came out of nowhere and flipped the bowl, spilling my soup everywhere and ruining my meal.

This was an act of wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePainTra1n96
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you feel when you get sick after eating Mediterranean food?

Falafel

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/detroitsouthpaw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I feel strong peel pressure when all my friends start eating bananas.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deoxys14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Eating more fresh vegetables makes you an expert pooper. It's right in the name.

Pro deuce

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
After eating alphabet soup....

....the next time I pooped I had a vowel movement. But I'm a bit worried that all the other letters still haven't come out. It's been a while now so I went to see my doctor. He said it wasn't a big deal. I was just a little consonantipated.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyccfan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
🚨︎ report
The police arrested to kids yesterday, one was eating fireworks, and the other was drinking battery acid

They charged one, and let the other off

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryDumbDonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report

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