Its bloody cold today just had to use my Company’s staff discount card to scrape the ice off my windscreen.

Still only managed to get 10% off....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMBiSH
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice...

Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MARKHENRY88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen?

This morning, I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BenAdam321
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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We're about to scrape the old paint off to repaint the bars of the jail cells.

This calls for cell abrasion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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What do pigs put on their cuts, scrapes and burns?

Oinkment

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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My dad ran over a cat one day. I suggested he scrape it off the road and put it's rear on the wall.

Because it was his Cat-Ass-Trophy

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2015
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Who healed the guitarist's scrape?

The band aid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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When I was little, I'd sometimes fall and scrape my knee...

I'd tell my dad my knee hurt and he'd say "Is it your low knee or your hiney?"

My siblings and I would laugh each time, even when we were crying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoherentBusyDucks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Dad: Come down here and scrape my car off!

Me: Be right down, I'm reading reddit.

Dad: What's taking so long? It's only 6 letters.

Source.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dthnider_RotMG
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
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If self-deprecation was an Olympic Sport

I'd probably just about scrape bronze

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πŸ‘€︎ u/falseoptimism
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10
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My kid started scraping his fork on our ceramic plates

I asked, β€œWhy are you doing that?”

He responded with, β€œI’m making music. I call this β€˜death metal’”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaltyComb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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What kind of problems does a child with a scraped knee have?

Kidney problems.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/F16benjamin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
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I saw a guy this morning wearing a black cloak and scraping the frost off his windscreen with a Scythe...

I was going to offer a hand but my wife told me it's not a good idea to de-ice with death

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πŸ‘€︎ u/26326312
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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This morning I saw a lady scraping the ice off her wind shield with her credit card.

..She's not going to make any progress at that rate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tritty_kutz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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I have a phobia of speed bumps...

...but I'm slowly getting over it.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopoldLoeb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2016
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How are dad jokes and cask cleaners similar?

They both end up scraping the bottom of the barrel.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doryenas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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A tribute to the glutes.

I might have assthma, butt it could be type two diabooties. I hope these puns aren't bumming you out, they're just for the crack. I don't mean to be cheeky, although I might be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Butt some of them are easy to get behind

You don't have to be anal about it, its not like you're the butt of the joke. I mean anusthing is possible, I think I'm getting to the rear end of these puns now.

It's asstounding how long this is lasting. I mean I don't want to half-ass it. Okay, I'll leave out the back door, but its so dark out, I can even see the full moon!

Just kidding I'm back.... side. Okay okay I'll bring it to a robust end. It's all behind me now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelaLugosisGhost
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2017
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Second generation dad joke.

My 18 year old daughter has a scrape on her knee. My 10 year old saw it and asked what happened. I told her it was from kick boxing. The 10 year old looked at 18 year old and said "how did you grow up with him?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatherfish
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
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Every damn time, even now that I'm older.

So as a kid, I was super clumsy. I could barely take two steps without falling down. And every time, I scraped my knee. I would get up crying and find my dad And every time, the conversation went like this:

Me: Dad I hurt my knee.

Dad: Your high knee or your low knee?

Edit: Hiney (sounds like high knee) is another name for a butt. You know it's a dad joke when you have to explain it....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokesaurusrex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Hurt Knee

Anytime I used to fall and scrape or bump my knee the conversation with my dad would go something like this when he noticed I'd fallen.

Dad: "What happened?"

Me: "I hurt my knee."

Dad: "Which knee? Your left knee, your right knee, or your weenie?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beat1706
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
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Dadjoked my culinary class

One student in culinary was getting flour from the bottom of a bin used to hold it. Since there wasnt much, it takes a couple tries to get a few scoops. So naturally:

"Hey student, looks like you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel

Few people laughed so I followed up with "screw you that's funny"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/austinll
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice

It didn’t really work though, only got 20% off

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jedmilne06
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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