When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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John Cena emerges from a deep slumber only to find he has wound up in the hospital.

JC: where am I?

Nurse: ICU.

JC: No you can’t.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.

You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cozykinkajou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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What do you say when someone wants to stitch their own wound?

Suture self!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steelkamote
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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Why did priests heal wounds before doctors?

They're men of the clot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoffKalast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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At the surgery this bloke told me "I don't trust you to stitch my wound" "

Suture self" I said

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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I took a shot but only caused a fletch wound.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tuesdays-Girl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Why does pouring salt in a wound hurt?

Because it hurts sodium much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnePunchFan8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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What do pigs put on wounds?

Antibiotic oinkment!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabriel3334
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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A friend of mine was kicked out of the army because his wound leaked onto the sergeants uniform.

It was a dishonourable discharge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?

A Korea-ending injury!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crimsonae
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Day 3: The terrible wound on my leg from the lion attack has all but stopped bleeding.

The clot thickens.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Dad,why does that actors wound look so fake?

Budget cuts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/divineshower12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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We took a wrong turn on our vacation and wound up at a clothing optional beach. Only one guy was actually naked....

He was the nudest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingOldGuy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2016
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The wounds were caused by foreign bodies.

https://www.reddit.com/r/quityourbullshit/comments/5vemhh/texas_hunters_who_accidentally_shot_each_other/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolferines
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
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My customer wound up making me look foolish for this one.

I came up with a fresh bowl of peas, and the little girl inched away nervously (stranger danger, and all). I tried to ease her by saying:

"Don't worry. I come in peas."

Cue awkward pause.

Her mom chimed in: "I get it." She still didn't laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewLeaf37
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2014
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My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.

I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahmaybe2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
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What does a clock do when he's still hungry

Go back four seconds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxxSnack
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
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There was an explosion at the numbers factory

The tragic aftermath: 9 wounded, 15 decreased.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeelTheQuickening
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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Saviour.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thot0fTheDay
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I was thinking of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.

I find it really hard to pull it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Et tu?
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaimanSense
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Yesterday someone hit me with a bottle of Omega-3 pills

Luckily, my wounds were only super fish oil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I am waiting to recover from injuries caused by a small sharp tool:

Time heals awl wounds.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Where do they take heavily wounded pirates?

The E Yarrr

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fusrohdiddly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Source in comments
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trisspele
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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I hate it when they do it. imgur.com/gIRYs7u
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hushphatak
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no wifi and couldn’t find the information I wanted.

I wound up using cellular.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconShrimpEyes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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Why did the kid rub herbs on his scraped knee?

Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JPHarrison007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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Why do injured cats get to the vet faster than injured dogs?

Cat litter's more common.

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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Decided on a career change, from the kitchen to medicine. Didn’t last long though.

Turns out that thyme doesn’t heal all wounds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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β€œHey Doctor, can I administer my own anaesthetic?”

Doctor: Go ahead. Knock yourself out.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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My girlfriend asked if I could go a day without making a 'stupid' pun... frayed knot.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tale_of_tejon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
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What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?

You know what they say, Margaret. "Thyme heals all wounds".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michacha123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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Communism’s red flags
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgravyboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Puns about clocks are the easiest

Now, if you have a lot of time on your hands, let me explain. These puns are a timely solution to anyone starting to dadjoke. With enough hours of practice, they become clockwork to deliver. Sometimes it's best to watch others perform the joke. I know, some of you may be ticked off with me (which isn't alarming) using my firsthand information on how to easily make a pun and how it has really wound you up. Yes, I'll hand it to you, making a simple pun is second-best to the more thought out grander puns with all the bells and whistles. Whatever makes you tick, I guess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatDamnCat_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Drew another puzzle for the weekend. Hope you like it! imgur.com/eCTKtZb
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiggidytom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
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My toddler just dad joked me.

She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand."

I've never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 552
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Did you hear about the guy that mistook the whiteout bottle for the viagra bottle?

He wound up with a massive correction and his wife was heavily censored

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADDrenalgland
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Someone gets decapitated in a show

Oh it's just a flesh wound don't lose your head over it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrimpyhook3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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Went for the long con with my wife

I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capomatt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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Chopstick Woman : Supa Hiro youtube.com/watch?v=8L85o…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FolloweroftheAtom
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2016
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Why are old people’s feet in such rough shape?

Because time wounds all heels.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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TIL Thyme has powerful medical qualities

Some say it heals all wounds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fish117
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2018
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I was about to stitch up her wound but she insisted she do it herself.

"Fine," i said. "Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkStar42024
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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You don't want me to close your wound for you?

Fine, suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 vitamins at me, but I'm okay...

... the wounds were super fish oil.

πŸ‘︎ 116
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mxwp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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