Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"

My response: "144? That's a gross"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzywaffles84
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
Why did the baker switch to dog shaped rolls?

He always wanted a purebred.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jzr171
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
Grammar made the best synonym rolls
πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/E-4-Epic-24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.

Those were Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drunk98
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
There’s this coin wrapper that can roll any coin: pennies, nickels, dimes etc. Just roll it up to a marked spot and voila, a perfect roll.

My favorite wrapper is the fifty cent piece

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
So I said to Arnie: "Where did you get those toilet rolls?"

He said: "Aisle B, Back."

πŸ‘︎ 972
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ghost_R11121
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
Synonym rolls only make your vocabulary fat!
πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLisaShow2020
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
I bought a roll of over priced Velcro yesterday

It was a rip off

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Harry_Maguire
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
A really want a Vietnamese roll.

But they Bahn Mi from going outside.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
"Dad, why do scuba divers roll backward off boats?"

"Because if they rolled forward, they'd still be in the boat."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do...

It’s my ankle.

πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cassshea1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
I am on a roll, I mean what are circles...
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrSigmaNut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
How do you make a cheese roll

Push it down a hill!

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tetris99issupreme
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says...

"Pint please, and one for the road

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/krystx57
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet roll so am reduced to wiping my butt with lettuce leaves.....

I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrFabulous0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
The honorable baker walked into a room full of rolls

"All rise."

The baker said humbly, "you don't need to do that." The rolls responded:

"It's the yeast we can do."

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fingerpants
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
I put the last roll of toilet paper on the dispenser today.

Shits just got real.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobMV03
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
How do you make a Swiss roll?

Just push them down a slope

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/noob07inferno
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Single man with toilet roll seeks single woman with hand sanitizer..

Looking for good clean fun!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHoleButterRoll
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
How many pennies in a roll of pennies have a Lincoln face?

It's actually one per cent.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
So, I said to Arnie Schwarmaswagger, "Where did you get those toilet rolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
Tried this on daddit and it was not well received, got a hard eye roll and a giggle from my daughter, am I doing this right? I need some help with my leeky bowl.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theaut0maticman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw this fish the other day holding a roll of chicken wire...

... I thought, that makes sense, it’s a swordfish, they’re good at fencing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
🚨︎ report
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.

Just dont put it your back pocket.

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squirrel_MD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you eat too many ciabatta rolls?

You get a ciabody!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/quegood
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
I’m on a roll here with all these puns guys
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakerabbit25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Two mice were chewing on a film roll.

One of them says, β€œI think the book was better.”

Credit: Tiny Tower Bitbook

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maybejaeby
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
I was on a roll yesterday
πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CorinGetorix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Rock and roll. . .

Or what ever comes first ;)

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StarkeStrawberry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire.

Those were Goodyears.

πŸ‘︎ 257
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaceAltair
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Just roll with it
πŸ‘︎ 626
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother told me that the only musicians more promiscuous than rock and roll artists were jazz musicians.

Because they were always having sax.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Bad puns are how eye roll
πŸ‘︎ 282
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Content_Drummer
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
On my roll of candy
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjkfloor17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Rock & Roll
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Autobots, roll out
πŸ‘︎ 380
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Guac n roll
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Greigers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s an actors favorite sushi roll?

β€œI-hope-I-get-this” roll

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snazman15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint…

He’s now high on my list of priorities.

πŸ‘︎ 127
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostPotency
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
An unsatisfied chicken lays in bed smoking a cigarette next to an egg that rolls to its side embarrassed

Chicken: Well I guess we solved that riddle

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
When the new year rolls around, I need new glasses.

I need to be able to see in 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrkowz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Bad puns are how eye roll.
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, and cross the road again?

It was a dirty double crosser.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BoxfullofBuns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call 1000kg of egg rolls?

Won Ton

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/plumpyboii
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on a roll last night.

My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:

Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)

Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )

Then during bathtime:

Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)

Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)

Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)

Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dat_asthma
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire.

Those were the Goodyears.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoneMoreHip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I never expected the vintage movie I was watching to end with everyone doing a dance popular in the early 60s which is inspired by rock and roll.

It was a twist ending.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad, why do scuba divers roll backwards off the boat?

Because, son, if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Leaf no stone unturned until all heads roll.
πŸ‘︎ 486
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/134282
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t always roll joints...

But when I do it’s usually an ankle

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dave_from_
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife left me because I used too many loo rolls.

I couldn't help that it all went to shit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alii-b
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Is that a sushi roll in your pocket?

Or are you just happy sashimi?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Confucius93
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the orange only roll half way down the hill?

He ran out of juice! 🍊πŸ₯€

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrizzlyBaird2112
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently heard that the agriculture industry will be discontinuing baling hay in big rolls

The livestock can’t get a square meal!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oldwahsatch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m ready to wok and roll.
πŸ‘︎ 828
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I have fond memories of my childhood when Dad used to roll us down a hill inside spare car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes are how eye roll!
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you roll a joint with a page from the dictionary?

High definition.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!

Me: Today was an awful day at work

Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it

Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My chat full of childless Dad's were on a roll
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wronkey360
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down the hill...

They were GoodYears

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewwap
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

It needed to get to the bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thepattato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman " a pint of beer please".

....and one for the road.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I remember our childhood quite fondly. My favorite memory is when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you do when someone rolls their eyes at you?

You roll them back

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trippyjabberwocky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a cinnamon roll’s favorite holiday?

YEASTer

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ort0810
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A teacher is taking roll call in a classroom of sweet potato students. The teacher asks "is John here?"

John raises his hand, "I yam."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KarateChop231
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you make an egg roll?

You push it

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chicken-of-Wisdom
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.

"Don't be daft," I replied. "A toilet is a stationary object."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
After Ordering the Charmin Forever Roll... reddit.com/r/Nswietsmbid/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlameKissedBacon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard my wife's eyes roll through text...

Wife: Stopping at the bar for a drink after work.

Me: Would you bring some whiskey home?

Wife: 10-4

Me: = 6

Edit: this particular bar has a liquor store up front.

πŸ‘︎ 228
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosX422
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle just below the knot.

 

 

Then ask someone, "which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?"

 

After they guess, let in unravel and go, "Its a tie!"

 

...continue doing this to every single person you can in the room wearing a shit eating grin the whole time, until your wife pulls you aside and tells you it's time to leave (out of embarrassment and frustration).

 

now you get to go back home and do Dad stuff as you please!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakjaklivs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Crunchy roll with no ads! I got it for a great value πŸ˜‚ v.redd.it/mrjjia7tfmu21
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablo014
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Made my 11 yr old laugh and my wife roll her eyes this kornint. It was a good day.

My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!

My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."

I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"

Groans and laughs ensued.

Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tbare
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Eye roll
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Manny-Hatz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I've just bought a terrific new car, its a Rolls Canardly

it rolls down one side of the hill, can 'ardly get up the other

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simian_fold
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend started eating his bread roll before the others.

I told him, β€œI like the way you roll”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nbpat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when you eat a roll of aluminum foil?

You sheet metal.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bigbucsnowhammies
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mesir
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red_19s
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road roll in the mud and then cross back over the road

Because he was a dirty double crosser

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrashMannCo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the toilet roll, roll down hill?

To get to the bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RB9k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t always roll a joint

But when I do, it’s my ankle

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whiplash1911
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.

Those were the Good Years.

πŸ‘︎ 147
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you make a sausage roll?

You push it

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sirspence4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you make an egg roll?

You push it!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCameron
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.