Someone: "If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine you probably should've been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19"
My response: "144? That's a gross"
Why did the baker switch to dog shaped rolls?
He always wanted a purebred.
Grammar made the best synonym rolls
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
There’s this coin wrapper that can roll any coin: pennies, nickels, dimes etc. Just roll it up to a marked spot and voila, a perfect roll.
My favorite wrapper is the fifty cent piece
So I said to Arnie: "Where did you get those toilet rolls?"
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
Synonym rolls only make your vocabulary fat!
I bought a roll of over priced Velcro yesterday
A really want a Vietnamese roll.
But they Bahn Mi from going outside.
"Dad, why do scuba divers roll backward off boats?"
"Because if they rolled forward, they'd still be in the boat."
I don’t always roll a joint but when I do...
I am on a roll, I mean what are circles...
How do you make a cheese roll
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says...
"Pint please, and one for the road
I ran out of toilet roll so am reduced to wiping my butt with lettuce leaves.....
I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.
The honorable baker walked into a room full of rolls
"All rise."
The baker said humbly, "you don't need to do that." The rolls responded:
"It's the yeast we can do."
I put the last roll of toilet paper on the dispenser today.
How do you make a Swiss roll?
Just push them down a slope
Single man with toilet roll seeks single woman with hand sanitizer..
Looking for good clean fun!
How many pennies in a roll of pennies have a Lincoln face?
It's actually one per cent.
So, I said to Arnie Schwarmaswagger, "Where did you get those toilet rolls?"
He said, "Aisle B, back."
Tried this on daddit and it was not well received, got a hard eye roll and a giggle from my daughter, am I doing this right? I need some help with my leeky bowl.
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He’s now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
I saw this fish the other day holding a roll of chicken wire...
... I thought, that makes sense, it’s a swordfish, they’re good at fencing.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
What do you get when you eat too many ciabatta rolls?
I’m on a roll here with all these puns guys
Two mice were chewing on a film roll.
One of them says, “I think the book was better.”
Credit: Tiny Tower Bitbook
I was on a roll yesterday
Rock and roll. . .
Or what ever comes first ;)
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire.
I still remember my childhood quite fondly, when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
My mother told me that the only musicians more promiscuous than rock and roll artists were jazz musicians.
Because they were always having sax.
Bad puns are how eye roll
What’s an actors favorite sushi roll?
My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint…
He’s now high on my list of priorities.
An unsatisfied chicken lays in bed smoking a cigarette next to an egg that rolls to its side embarrassed
Chicken: Well I guess we solved that riddle
When the new year rolls around, I need new glasses.
I need to be able to see in 2020.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, and cross the road again?
It was a dirty double crosser.
What do you call 1000kg of egg rolls?
I was on a roll last night.
My family was having a burger night and I improvised some groaners:
Q - How does it sound when your cousin drives an ambulance?
A - Neeeenaaaaa-neeeeenaaaaa! (There is a cousin called Nina)
Q - How do you know when your cousin is coming to visit?
A - they ring the Issa-belle! (Yip, you guessed it there is a cousin called Issabelle)
Q - What does a dinosaur say to offer you a hot drink?
A - Would you like some tea, Rex? (Hate to over explain and ruin the joke but just in case - Rex )
Then during bathtime:
Q - When a crab goes to jail where do they lock him up?
A - A jail shell. (there was a decorative jar of shells there which I used as a muse for this piece)
Q - How does a daddy cow clean himself at night?
A - In a bub-bull bath. (Just came to me)
Q - What does an astronaut use in the bath?
A - A space cloth. (this one didn't really land but I stand by it)
Q - What do you use to wash your hair in the toilet?
A - Sham-poo (low hanging fruit but this one absolut
...
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One of my favorite childhood memories is when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside of a tire.
Those were the Goodyears.
I never expected the vintage movie I was watching to end with everyone doing a dance popular in the early 60s which is inspired by rock and roll.
Dad, why do scuba divers roll backwards off the boat?
Because, son, if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Leaf no stone unturned until all heads roll.
My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint.
He is now high on my list of priorities.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
I don’t always roll joints...
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
My wife left me because I used too many loo rolls.
I couldn't help that it all went to shit.
Is that a sushi roll in your pocket?
Or are you just happy sashimi?
Why did the orange only roll half way down the hill?
I recently heard that the agriculture industry will be discontinuing baling hay in big rolls
The livestock can’t get a square meal!
I’m ready to wok and roll.
I have fond memories of my childhood when Dad used to roll us down a hill inside spare car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Dad jokes are how eye roll!
What do you get when you roll a joint with a page from the dictionary?
On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!
Me: Today was an awful day at work
Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it
Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...
My chat full of childless Dad's were on a roll
I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me in a tyre and roll me down the hill...
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
It needed to get to the bottom.
A man walked into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the barman " a pint of beer please".
....and one for the road.
I remember our childhood quite fondly. My favorite memory is when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
What do you do when someone rolls their eyes at you?
What is a cinnamon roll’s favorite holiday?
How do you make a sausage roll?
A teacher is taking roll call in a classroom of sweet potato students. The teacher asks "is John here?"
John raises his hand, "I yam."
How do you make an egg roll?
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be daft," I replied. "A toilet is a stationary object."
I heard my wife's eyes roll through text...
Wife: Stopping at the bar for a drink after work.
Me: Would you bring some whiskey home?
Wife: 10-4
Me: = 6
Edit: this particular bar has a liquor store up front.
At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle just below the knot.
Then ask someone, "which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?"
After they guess, let in unravel and go, "Its a tie!"
...continue doing this to every single person you can in the room wearing a shit eating grin the whole time, until your wife pulls you aside and tells you it's time to leave (out of embarrassment and frustration).
now you get to go back home and do Dad stuff as you please!
Made my 11 yr old laugh and my wife roll her eyes this kornint. It was a good day.
My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!
My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."
I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"
Groans and laughs ensued.
Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?
I've just bought a terrific new car, its a Rolls Canardly
it rolls down one side of the hill, can 'ardly get up the other
My friend started eating his bread roll before the others.
I told him, “I like the way you roll”.
What happens when you eat a roll of aluminum foil?
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Why did the chicken cross the road roll in the mud and then cross back over the road
Because he was a dirty double crosser
Why did the toilet roll, roll down hill?
I don’t always roll a joint
But when I do, it’s my ankle
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
How do you make a sausage roll?
How do you make an egg roll?
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